SEX AND SINGLE IN YA 30S: GIRL 6....THE ART OF STORYTELLIN'....

It's Christmas Eve.  I'm relaxing on my couch, legs propped up, having a glass of vino, typing to you. I'm not going home for Christmas.  I'm not happy about that by any stretch of the the imagination.  I would so rather be in my mom's face, having a laugh with my besties, puckering my lips up to a handsome lad, and toasting up a cheers!  But that is not the case and I'm utilizing my peace and quiet to get some good words off <<< ha...that's what he said.

Anyhoo, while sitting here I contemplate the experience of long distance interests. How does one "perform" or "behave" properly in a long distance exchange of interests?  Excuse me but, I feel weird saying relationship.  Basically all the two of you have is an exchange of words and an occasional selfie.  All of which have to be EXTRA on point of course.  But, *sighs*, when ya in ya 30s and you single, you have to learn to open yourself up to all interpretations of getting to know someone.  Letting go......right?!

While embarking on this new journey complete with my hiking boots, rope, natural hair, and khaki shorts, there are some things I've found necessary when long distance interchanging.

MY HIKING GEAR LOOKS BETTER THAN YOURS....

TEXT MESSAGING AND PICS IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST!!!!

No matter how strong your conversation game is those visuals are an absolute SO IMPORTANT!!! Spelling and wit are VERY necessary as well.  You can't carry on a conversation properly without knowing how to freakin' spell.<<< team ebonics  And you can't successfully have your text messaging interpreted correctly without an ounce of wit and character attached.

Interpretation and presentation are so important in this new world.  There are going to be times you may have to look "flawless" like it's date night by the face all while trying to be as sexually casual as possible.  Thank the internet app gods for filters that have created some of the best selfies ever!!!

I LOOK JUST LIKE THIS ERRNIGHT....ERRNIGHT!

INVEST IN A FACE TIME/GLIDE/SKYPE

Getting some live interaction is just about as important as the first impression at the official meet and greet.  You have to expand your creativity and remain open to someone seeing you at your best and worst at any given moment.  After all....isn't that what we want that one to fall in love with?  The real us?

But you have to be careful to utilize these additional features WISELY....partaking in the fun after you have thrown back a few or are feeling uhhh....how shall I word this...."some kind of way", is grounds for trouble and a pool of regret if things don't work out.  Nothing like the "walk of shame" in the cyber world.  It's worse than slipping and falling in a crowded room with a drank in your hand, but never spilling the drank.  You appear to be a professional.....drinker.

Now keep a close eye on your love below.  She probably isn't used to much attention by now and the first stroke of her already immense ego will have her purring like the kitten she is.  You've been warned.

AIN'T NOTHING SLICK TO A CAN OF OIL

The upside is it can bring you and that person closer in a way.  Without actually trying you bring that person deeper into your dark, twisted fantasy world of sexy pajamas, moisturized lips, and undeniable charm.   When any other time your lips are stained with cab, you have on your favorite OU hoodie, and those comfortable socks with the hole in the heel.

SHARE INTERESTS THAT TRANSCEND THE DISTANCE

Focus on the interests between you two that can benefit from the circumstance.  Ladies if he's into sports then you better hop on that bus with a transfer. Or if you got a favorite show, you better lock him the hell in to the point date night is every Tuesday at 9 o'clock!  The unique thing about this world is if you possess even a piece of creative mustard seed you can turn something taboo into something strong that focuses more on the intellectual and interests and less on the physical.

But please refer to the previous bullet point....that video chat and text messaging creates the world....your intellect and wit sustain it. <<< that one was free...

Once you shake the idea that enjoying someone means being physically in their presence, being able to touch them, and look intensely into their eyes is necessary to enjoy them, you will open yourself up to a whole nutha<<< team ebonics world of high school childishness and teenage crush feelings you forgot existed.  You play your cards right and you'll be reliving that "You sleep?"..."huh? Naw I ain't sleep........zzzzzzzz"....good times...

CHOOSE A DATE TO MEET N GREET AND STICK TO IT

REMEMBER....NO NIGHT CAPS!!!

One of the hardest challenges of distance is not only keeping that fire lit, which could possibly drive that love below of yours absolutely crazy.but making an effort!!

When someone crosses your path in the cyber universe....meeting can sometimes be one of the most challenging challenges.  It's more than meeting at the coffee shop in a mutual location or casually bumping into each other at the happening club setting.  You have to actually work for it.

That's the unreachable booger in this scenario.  You have to accept that things that would usually be in your hindsight vision aren't quite as visible.  It's a weird world...one that my in denial 30 PLUS ass wonders if she is up for the upgrade.  But no expectation of the physical can definitely diminish a potential.  Make an effort!!!

CONCLUSION

Be PATIENT!  Even in this fast paced world that we live in now.  Basic principles still apply and they still tell you the outcome before you cash all in.

Be VOCAL!  Communication and understanding are the main leaders in this race.  The percentage in these two needs to be high and effective.  It's much like having 7 senses but only able to utilize 2.   You have to allow those two things to guide you....and trust that.

And finally....Be YOURSELF!  Nothing is more beautiful than who you really are...in all of your imperfections and best traits.  You are the perfect, unique mixture...just how you are!  Believe that without seeing the physical that someone can see the real you.

Until next time.....BE!!!!

#liberatednation

SEX AND SINGLE IN YA 30s....THE ART OF LETTING GO

I have tried a million times to write this blog...lol.  Like seriously I have stared at the screen, much like I'm doing now.  I begin with a great start and then two paragraphs in.....no substance.

I initially was going to talk about the ex-factor, and why it seems so hard to let it go. But in essence, how questionable is that?  The answer is pretty much plain as day: love or familiarity.  And regardless of what side of the grassy knoll you reside on, the point comes to "comfort".  But yet and still more yet then I care to admit, I made a 3 week attempt to make it be more.  Sometimes thangs are just what they are supposed to be.

But moving forward I begin to wonder....after the morning after, after the night before, when all of the fun is over....sorry had a Frankie Beverly and Maze moment.  After all of the evaluation, the loving yourself, the doing you, the stepping out your box dates, and the joys of sleeping in the middle of the bed.....what happens if you meet "that guy"?

You can shout at the highest peek of a salt mountain how ready you are, but until tested how do you really know?  You can't create the setting, no matter how you have planned it out in your mind and frequented that one spot where your "ideal mate" could be.  You can't create the circumstances in which you two may meet, although you planned casually bumping into him, staring into his eyes, and him offering you the rest of his life at no charge.  And most importantly.....you can't create the man!

There are just some moments that we can't predict.  And no matter how hard we claim, when we are single that we have left the emotional baggage in the wind, and we'll know when he schmoney dances into our space....do we really know?  One thing that I have learned as an actress is you can prepare until you are soar in the limbs.  Memorizing your lines, charactarizations, beats, actions, objectives and all the other factors you don't realize play into real life.  But after all of the preparation, the most important lesson you learn is to LET IT GO!

You have to trust yourself and your preparation.  And you have to realize that knowing when to relinquish control is often the best form of control.  There is joy in not over analyzing and enjoying the moment.  Sometimes we get too caught up in "our" rules and regulations.  We have the societal standards of what something is supposed to look like so deeply rooted in our memory banks that we miss the beauty of the trees for the forest.

If you've basically been in bad apple relationships that after careful analyzing and acceptance you realize was a bust from the beginning anyway....how exactly are you going to know what real looks like?  You can pray to baby Jesus with the Debarge family waves and the caramel skin tone, asking for that sign all you want.  But you can't avoid the test!  You have to let go of what you used to know. And what I mean by that is punishing your potential future for what your past created in you.  That insecurity.  That uncertainty.  The test is created to teach you how to trust....yourself.

Trust yourself enough to know that your past has shaped you, not created you.  Your mistakes have given you wisdom, not torn you apart.  Your experiences have added to your character, not taken away your beauty.  Accept that some moments may not be forever, but they are beautiful just the same.  And there are a such thing as beautiful lessons too.

Until next time.  Be YOURSELF......

liberated nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY.....DATING OR LACK THERE OF IN YOUR 30s

Sitting here.  Well past my bedtime....and its okay.  It's been a while since I've had time to write, or even wanted to write, let's just be real here.  The thought of creating art is something I have ran from for the last few months.  Its crazy what disappointment will do.  
Anyhoo, I must acknowledge my growth, accomplishments, and my triumphant feet over my obstacles!!!  True it has been a while, but I did what I had/needed to do...and most importantly, I made my way back :)

So now to the GOOD stuff 

During my hiatus I've discovered a few things.  One most importantly....when you are busy, you aren't thinking about a ninja* <<< this pertains to any ethnicity.  As a matter of factly, if you come across someone that isn't on the kind of hustle that you're on, it's an ABSOLUTE turn off!  And well let's just say...I'm turned the hell off!

When I initially came into this writing thing a year ago, it was a challenge to myself.  I was seemingly through with my choice in men.  I vowed to discover within myself what in the blue mountain fuck was wrong with me to where I attracted the dead end situationships I was attracting.  Key word SITUATIONSHIP!!  And I did!  I broke me down and notated my discoveries.  It was wild and fun to explore, date and find out my likes, dislikes, preferences, deal breakers...shit was cool.  

BUT.....after that, then what??!!!  Because it's not always us...the woman.  We aren't always at fault.  We aren't always the ones that need to DO BETTER!  And upon that discovery, I discovered that general sex is whack as hell and can lead you on some pointless detours, and stepping outside of your preferential box is total bullshit! 

CASE IN POINT 

You get horny and you think, "He's sufficient.", "He'll do.", "I like his smile", "He makes me laugh" and that's just the appetizer.  Let's not count in a few drinks, a good dinner, some more drinks, and some nice music and two stepping.  By the end of the evening you're planning THE LIFE.  Crazy where need and emotion mixed will take you.  But then after the after party you begin to realize that it's all a waste of time...that your bed feels much better...that you didn't cum, you really faked it....and the big "A HA" that you are really better and can do better than this dude!

In no way am I saying that all men are shit or even the dude you end up in a situationship is shit.  But what I am definitely stressing is that EVERYTHING that LOOKS and FEELS good to ya doesn't mean it's the best thing for ya.  In the grand scheme of things.

Let's take it a step further....let's say...for hypothetical scenarios that you take this ninja* <<< refer to previous reference, seriously.  You fall into the "good morning" texts, the late night phone calls, the womanly instinct to provide a home..for him...a safe haven.  This safe haven can convene in between your legs, the ride you give him to work, or the "I just threw something together, but I really pulled out my grandma's recipe" home cooked meal....

Then the a week, month, and sometimes if the ding ding is really good, a year or two can zumba on by and you FINALLY realize that.....you can do better that the situation you've landed yourself in.  You finally accept wanted to make it work for your sanity's sake and your fans.  

Aside from all the bullshit that falls out your mouth about how you won't take shit from no ninja*, you needed to believe that he was different.  That what you chose to let into your space was worth it.  But was it really worth it?  In the midst of trying to get wifed you lose yourself.  You can potentially lose your ambition, your personal goals, and your dayum mind!!  You can say you found your strength, but what about the strength in the beginning, at the restaurant, during the appetizer when he couldn't chew with his mouth closed?  But....the flesh gets lonely.

THE CONCLUSION

Then the task of stepping outside your box.  There are some things that just don't bend. There are some areas that govern NO negotiation.  And I discovered that.  Having preferences is not, by any means a bad thing.  I don't care if you meet the mark yourself or not.  There is someone out there for everyone, and you are attracted to what you are attracted to for a reason.  Damn the human issued guidelines!  Just because you look a certain way, are a certain color, dress a type of way, or like a type of thing doesn't box you into a particular category of who is attracted to you.  It takes a charming muhfudga to win you over when they don't at the very dayum least meet at least one of your top 10 criteria, and let's face it....the world isn't quite filled with them witty bastahds. 

So in conclusion.....if you are single, bask in that shit!  Stop praying for a man and just live, stop looking for a man and just live, stop WAITING on a man and just freakin live.  Do yourself a solid* <<<< hood lingo for "favor". Don't bend to settle, accommodate your emotions, or the good enough.  You deserve the best!!

Until next time......be great #liberatednation 

LOST DIARY FILES: LIFES ALL ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX.......

So let's talk about the level of agitation that I'm currently feeling in regards to men.  I just don't like them.  I don't like the games, I don't like the courting, I don't like the broken pinky swears.  I'm just really over it!  I don't want to go on a date, I don't want to get to know anyone,  I don't want the good morning texts, I don't want any of the pre-conceived expectation of courting.

I would actually just prefer to just meet someone in a bar or some other random location at their absolute worst, when they could give one dayum about their representative or trying to impress me, hit it off, and know at that moment that THIS is the real him.  Or how about if we just had some raw truths tattooed on one's body with invisible ink that can only be seen in black light?  That way we know what we are getting ourselves into when the lights go out.

There was a point and time that I was hopeful in finding a mate.  And don't confuse it.  I know that one day I will be caught up in the rapture of love while being pushed on tree swings in the country air, or laying in hammocks sipping little drinks with umbrellas in them; him on one end and me on the other.  I truly believe that.  But right now, I'm so cool on it!

There is so much to being single in your 30s.  At times it's liberating and at times it totally sucks ass.  For over a year I have broken myself down.  I have put almost every aspect of myself and my personal out there for the ones that grace me with their eyes, just so I could get an understanding of me.  I've taken blame for my shortcomings and most of all admitted to myself that I could've done better.  I have stepped out of my box and "tried" to turn a blind eye to things that I otherwise would step right over.  I tried to like people that liked me all int he name of following my granpa's advice of, "making sure he loves you more than you love him".  But as quickly as I turned on...like a light switch, I get turned off.

I swear I'm like a cat in real life.  One minute I want you up under me and the next minute I"m praying to yeezus that you give me 50 FEET!!!!  And the agitation is definitely growing.  Instead of breaking down walls, it seems like I'm building more that are higher, wider, and thicker.  I.JUST.DON'T.HAVE.THE.TIME!

Sex at this point is totally overrated.  I mean yeah I get the urge but when I think about the after effect of looking at the guy lying next to me, nothing between us, all of his idiosyncrasies shining a fluorescent light...yours too, feeling the after effects of his smell, his right to breathe, mad at yourself for even letting him touch you....yeah...it's a cold, cold world.

In your 30s you realize that stuff just isn't as simple as you thought they were in your 20s.  Or maybe they were simple in your 20s, but in your 30s there's more on the line.  Usually by this time people have responsibilities and those responsibilities have to be taken into consideration when choosing a mate.  Not to mention the other stuff like spritual beliefs, attraction, compatibility, job status, income bracket, health issues, sexual compatibility....etc.  When you are in your 20s most likely you are punch drunk in love and not really thinking about a lot of these things.  You just know you love him and he loves you back, and you be on that love is all we need type ish!

Your 30s force you to see past the fairytale and ask yourself if you really even like this mf like that?!  Is he/it even worth the vows and the joint back accounts, the kids, the accumulated bills, the arguments, the making up, the prayer requests, the counseling, the jealousy.......decisions.

I can definitely see why they say it’s harder to get married in your 30s.  For two reasons…..one you’ve probably played in the game a few times and your defenses are high as hell ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR every decent man is UNAVAILABLE!  And truth be told the ONLY reason why they are even decent is because their other half dedicated her 20s making and molding that ninja from a bathe three times a week, non-cooking, can’t dress, all he know how to do is get a good edge up looking ass to the smell good, knows how to be attentive to a woman, knows how to rock the perfect shoe with the right belt and tie looking man that you see before you!  Dayum behind every good man is a good woman….behind every good man is a GREAT woman!!!!  She’s the reason he even gets a second eyeball.

The thing about your 30s is that you start running into the unavailability tab. In your 20s you are likely dealing with possible baby mama drama, some “lil romeo” that thinks he’s a player, the other girl that thought she was the girlfriend too…shit like that.  But in your 30s you start bumping into the men that have probably been married for so many years and they hitting that seven year itch and they are looking for something to “hit”.  Slowly but surely that unavailable tab creeps up on your radar.  It’s a total bitch let me tell ya. 

Of course you, the woman are settling into the idea of permanent and all you are meeting are temporaries.  It’s a cold cold world.

I AM BLACK....

I have been on some kind of mental writing hiatus for a minute now.  It’s kind of agitating actually.  I have no desire to write and even when I think I got the jonz to do it, I can’t think of anything that can creatively hold my attention long enough.

I really wanted to talk about what I have deemed as “The Mike Brown Project”.  It was/is such a controversial time for the U.S. of A.  It was a moment where hidden racism was exposed and people that actually had the audacity to think that racism no longer existed were forced to face reality.   Now of course we all know this is not the first incident where a police officer……an officer that has been sworn to protect all American citizens, have over-stepped, racially profiled, or used bad judgement. 

Sometimes I wonder if that police officer actually has any regrets or remorse for what he did.  I’m sure he regrets it from all of the tragedy and rioting that followed that single act, but internally/humanly does he really feel bad for killing an unarmed Black man?  After all it seems that the world is against us and for the extinction of the Black race.

I know some people will say “whatever” and “I’m tripping”, but really let’s just take it to the yard!  Let’s touch on just TWO of my favorite shows:  Boardwalk Empire and Sons of Anarchy.  These are some pretty awesome shows.  The writing on both of these bad boys is phenom!  And the acting is just as awesome.  But one thing that I have noticed is within both story lines, the Black race is always the race that no one and I mean NO ONE really wants to bother with.  We, the Black race, are treated like an infestation, a disease, or someone you don’t even want to be seen in public with.  The respect for the Black man and his skill and effort is so minimal.  We’re not trusted on a business level nor are we truly respected on an authority level.   Now if art imitates life or vice versa, is it safe to say that this is currently the subliminal mind state of America?

Now this brings me back to reality and our present state as a country.  It seems that the Black life isn’t valued.  One could argue that it’s because we don’t value ourselves and I can’t debate and/or refute that statement.  Because on some kind of level, I believe this to be true.  But please believe there is enough blame to go around!   When you have people in authoritative positions that don’t respect human life, regardless of the skin color, then we have a problem.  When you have a government that builds on greed and free labor, then we have a problem.  When you have an overall system that is so corrupt and politically incorrect that dogs are given more respect than humans, than PEOPLE WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!!!

I am Black.  I am a human being.  I have blood in my body.  I have a heartbeat.  I have a uterus and fallopian tubes, two ears, two eyes, lips, nose…..a brain!  I am not an animal, I am not ¾ human, I am not illiterate or incapable.  I am not a work horse or a slave.   My true history is unknown because it was erased from me.  My bloodline has been infiltrated by an unknown assailant.  My great grandfather is white, but I’ll never know who he is, who my cousins are, who my “other” family is.  Even if I did….find them.  Would I be accepted into their fold?

I am Black.  And I am hated for no reason at all.  I’m not respected not because of anything that I’ve done but, because my ancestors were raped, beaten, and trained to be inferior.  There are White people walking around right now that hate US because their master owned our ancestors and they feel a kind of inhumane privilege over us.  There are other races that look down on US not because we have done anything but because of what history has programmed them to believe that we are not the kings, queens, and diplomats that we once were.  It's safe to say that the world believes that WE ARE INFERIOR. 

The question is…..When will we as a people stop believing it?

LET'S GET MARRIED: ROLE REVERSAL.....

I know I just posted a blog last night but I'm totally feeling it right now!  I don't completely have my mojo back, but I'm definitely feeling good about whatever weird direction my mind has me going.

So there has been a question/scenario thats been probing social media for a few weeks now.  There was this picture, of a woman down on one knee, proposing to her man....I'm assuming this was her man.  This photo got a lot of attention and had everyone asking if the man was in fact demasculinized because the woman seemed to have taken the initiative and took the man role. 

I personally am torn about this scenario.  Mainly because as a woman, I salute her confidence and initiative to go for what she wants.  BUT on the other end I can't help but wonder the dynamic of their relationship.  Who exactly is the dominant one?  The aggressor?  Not to mention that in the picture the guy either was taken aback by her boldness (which is possible) or he got a lil broke wrist flavored sugar in his tank.  But aside from the obvious, what is this pic saying about society? 

Let's be honest, this isn't the first time that a woman has proposed to a man.  I can't confirm whether this is a regular occurence, but my thoughts say what makes this case so profound is her actually taking the man role of submission and getting down on one knee.  I can't stop thinking about singer Pink, and her proposal to now husband/sometimes separated/may be divorced and baby daddy, Carey Hart.  She proposed to him on a dirt bike track, with a sign that said WILL YOU MARRY ME!  And honestly I thought it was the most random and romantic thing I've seen.  In Pink's case the fact that we had an idea of her liberated personality and a little of the back story that led to the proposal may of swayed the hearts of the conservative woman/man.  And at the end of the day she didn't get down on one knee!!!  Does that one knee kneal really make a difference???  I say YES IT DOES!

The issue isn't that she asked for his hand in marriage in verbal terms, but in physical terms she demonstrated the act of submitting to him.  Don't us women submit enough when it comes to a relationship or to men period?  We are human beings and have animalistic instinct just like our male counterparts.  But we are trained by women and taught by women to deny ourselves of certain instincts and enhance other traits that we possess like the art of nurturing, the skill of listening, the power of discipline, and the mind fuck of SUBMISSION.  So why oh why must we take away yet another area where a man publicly submits and confesses his love to the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with....why must we strip him of that?

Haven't women taken away enough from men?  Haven't we given them enough passes?  Traded in our aprons for briefcases?  Women have proven that we can do it too!  We have proven that if we want, we too can be independent.  Time has proven and continues to prove that we have a voice and it matters.  So why take away yet another form of responsibility of the man?

Is this a big deal?  No, not really.  But overall this defines the direction our society seems to be teeter-tottering in on accident but on purpose.  Role reversal is happening people and women are becoming more comfortable in men roles and it appears that men are becoming more comfortable letting us.

As stated above, I don't know the dynamics of their relationship.  Who knows, he could've proposed to her a 100 times and got rejected.  She could've cheated and she is fighting to get his love back.  He could have an issue with rejection and she did what she had to do to reassure him.  You just never know the situation, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

It's great to have rights and exercise them when needed.  It's great to be liberated and live the life you want to live and not the cookie cutter version of what ya momma and ya grandma tried to program into you.  It's great to know that you have the power and voice to be totally independent.  It's great to have the confidence to take what you want.  BUT too much of a good thing is bad for your health.  

At the end of it all, it's all about what makes you happy.  Do you!  Just make sure you can wear the shoes you picked out.  You may be walking in them for a while.   

    

THE WOMAN STRUGGLE.....EMOTION VS. LOGIC

Ok so I told myself that I was going to get out of this writing slump that I’ve been in.  I haven’t written in weeks!  Just so caught up in “life” I guess…or whatever in the hell that means.  I finally got a job!! TWO jobs actually and I need both of these sons of guns too.  Being out of work unprepared isn’t ideal at all.  BUT I’m still alive, I didn’t get evicted, nothing got repo’d, and I’m still smiling so all is good in my hood.

But my creative brain has suffered tremendously!  Working almost 12-16 hours per day with no days off puts a halt on thinking outside the box.  So with all of this work that I’ve been doing and the lack of male contact outside of some mild “What you doin’” texts, I’ve noticed two things:  The first is my hustle is REAL, and the second is why do we become everything our exes wanted us to be when you’re no longer with them?  I know it’s a thought posed as a question, but walk with me.

Now I say this because in failed relationships it seems we are everything WE THINK our significant other wants.  I remember my last “so called” relationship in ’09 and I remember trying so hard to be what I thought he wanted and when he rejected my advances, I swore he wasn’t shit in my mind.  But in truth I just wasn’t ready for what he tried to learn me.  Now that’s a hard thing for me to admit because at the time I thought of course that I was the pick of the fucking litter, and you couldn’t tell me anything different!  Although this process of admitting my fuckedupness is hard I’d rather admit than keep being a dayum fool in future commitments and blaming the next man for my issues.

How did I get here?  After going through decide ably the HARDEST four months of my life, it took some forreal, forreal struggle and some major alone time (that was God appointed mind you) to conclude that there were some areas I needed to grow the fuck up in.

Sometimes we just get used to being mediocre in certain areas.  And this isn’t just man/woman talk, this is life talk.  We want someone to accommodate and/or make due with shit that in truth we need to change.  Now I know that I’m always on changing and looking at yourself, but I’m about self-improvement.  I’m not into male bashing or blaming men for every single thing that happens with a woman.  We women aren’t always correct in our assessments and choices.  We aren’t always correct in our emotional love walks.  Sometimes what we think isn’t always what it is…and sometimes what we do isn’t always what he wants.  Now apply this logic to life and the choices that are made. 

Now let me clarify…..this “so called” wasn’t shit in the relationship, but apparently I wasn’t either.  But it’s crazy for me now because the things that probably turned him off about me have now changed and I totally see my lacking.  I was a lazy bitch that expected to be taken care of and held no accountability for my lack of planning or discipline.  If I fucked up it was his job to get me out of it.  And although my character wasn’t of a selfish nature, my actions were.  It’s crazy how “life” brings you back to the shit you struggle to walk past and ignore. 

This isn’t my typical blog, but it’s an honest one.  Another thing that happened on my struggle was that I stopped caring so much about what was liked and more about what was needed.  Excuse me why I attempt to get my mojo back. 

KUJICHAGULIA!!

NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!!

Okay so it’s been a few weeks.   My how time flies when you are on the grind.  I swear the 4^th of July was last week.  But I went to sleep and woke up and it’s the wee hours of the 29^th.  I decided to take a break from my rigorous schedule to take a deep breath, have a glass of Cab, and rock out to Marsha Ambrosia.  Now I can only take this sister in doses so I guess this is her time to shine with me!!!  But I think it’s her lil boy toy on this album that really got me listening.  He pops in just when I’m about to cut her yodolin’ ass off!!!  Anyhoo…..enough about that.  So I’ve been thinking about where I want to go with this blog tonight.  I’m attempting to pull from my current experience but I was interrupted from my blogging by an interesting conversation with a very intriguing gentleman.  And I emphasize GENTLEMAN.

I’m going to let this guy….who is currently laying in my bed (no sex in the champagne room), drinking a beer and telling me that he knows women better than I think he does.  So I’m typing via him talking.  And he is probing the question….WHAT IS SEX????

Him: Sex makes you feel good….it can also make you feel bad.  Even if it’s great.

Me:  This nigga is drunk!!!!

Him: I’ve seen it all, done it all, and heard it all…from the “oooh I shouldn’t be doing this”…to the, “Is this all you want from me?” To the, “This is the best sex I’ve ever had.”…I wish I knew.  I swear I feel like I love you, but when the liquor wears off, I feel different. 

Me:  Well ain’t that a bitch!

Him:  But I think a part of me wants to love you.  But there’s an even bigger part that wants attention. 

Me:  oooooooooooh shit!!!!

Him:  And I think that’s where the fellow man and I have failed.  Everybody wants to be the man, but not everybody wants to be A MAN.  I truly believe that my daughters have changed me.  I see them and I see……..beauty.  But I look at my past and I see pain….NOW!!!! I’m getting too old for this shit. 

Me: He says as he chugs down a beer.  

Him: I just want someone who loves me, my daughters, and supports my dreams.  But I’m fucking petrified that karma will come back for me.  With that being said, when things go good I push her away.  At this age (26) I don’t think I can afford heartbreak.  Though it’s ironic because I’ve caused a lot. 

In my head I’ve created the perfect woman.  She’s beautiful, fashionable, God-fearing, nurturing, ambitious, loyal, but most of all she’s a FREAK!!!....

Me:  Oh shit I’m hollin!!!  Didn’t see that one coming.

Him: I pray that one day I find her or maybe she’ll find me.  I truly am tired of living like this…..

I will leave you with this, if ALL I do is make you cum…..then why would you stay?  That’s all I do is make you cum….I don’t feed you mentally, I don’t even take out the trash, I don’t take care of your kids…all I do is make you cum.  Sex is a skill.  It can be improved, anyone can get better at it the more they do it.  That’s all that it is.   Women think it’s all about sex.  I don’t even think women…PEOPLE think it’s all about sex.  But sex is always and always will be just a PLUS! 

THIS IS FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE!

How many times have we, women, heard this kind of honesty/truth/realness from a man, regardless of age, and we refuse it as gospel?  Or we claim that we hear him (which we probably do), but we don’t LISTEN, or even change our way of thinking or how we act?  It’s almost like we are just waiting for him to finish so that we can tell him how wrong he is or tell him what a man really is, or how a man really thinks?  I know that I myself have been guilty of this. 

I think in all that both men and women want the same things and yet fear the same things.  Leave a comment and tell me what you think about his perspective.

Until next time. 

DECODING THE SINGLE MENTALITY:......THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION OF THE THROWBACK!!!

Greetings and Salutations!!!!  I hope that everyone is feeling blessed and highly favored in this crazy, mixed up world! Even if your circumstances are saying one thing, make sure that your mouth is saying another!  Don't want to give negativity any power.  Okay moving forward......so last week I touched on CHANGE and how us single folks needed to re-evaluate our own struggles silently while we publicly judged others.  That's not what I really said, but that's what we REALLY do.  Anyhoo, it's time to put the new you to the challenge.  Now before embarking on this new journey, tread lightly!  But embrace and most importantly HAVE FUN!

BIRTHDAY GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing wrong with having high walls.  Nothing wrong with guarding your emotion and most importantly your heart.  But guess what....in order to receive love, affection, companionship...shit happiness period, you have to give it as well.  As I touched on last week, you can't expect for someone to be all of these things FOR you and you be absolutely nothing to them.  But that's already been discussed.  Now let's discuss the next phase. Let's discuss after you've cleaned out your closet a little bit and organized some stuff and can see and breathe a little more clearly.  You've picked up some of your newly discovered baggage and disposed of it and you are feeling a little lighter.  It's time to revisit your past.  I know that you've heard that old negro spiritual that if you don't know your past, then you are doomed to repeat it!  Well that isn't just for the abolishment of slavery, that is key when starting any new chapter in your life.

REFLECTION IS NECESSARY TO CELEBRATE YOUR FUTURE

Now by no means am I suggesting going back to that demon spawn with the good ding ding, or bank account, or hair that you had to pray yourself away from.  NO!  You stay far, far away from that spirit! Don't use my perfectly harmless blog as a reason to give that crack rock a call.  I am however saying, revisit the guys that you really didn't give a fair chance to; for whatever reason.  You were possibly going through that phase in your woman where you had a list of characteristics and that poor soul had a piece of lint in his hair and didn't meet the criteria.  Or his bank account or weight wasn't quite to your standards.  Or let's be real, he wasn't what you were used to, but all in all he was a pretty nice guy.  Give that guy a rind ding doodle.

I've even went as far as to take notes.  I wanted to know what initially turned me off, and now that I'm in my new place, do I still feel the same way?  Is it something that can be overlooked or is the Rick Ross syndrome just too dayum real?

OF COURSE THINGS COULD CHANGE IF HE SMELLS AS GOOD AS I THINK HE DOES

There have even been some situationships that I've revisited that I felt like I was too mentally unstable and utilized sex as my control and attempt at blocking emotion.  LOL...I know...that was just my clinical, sophisticated way of saying that I smashed a dude that wasn't my man because the ding ding was nice! However you want to word it, it happened and I went back to that guy to see if there was something really there or if it was just the sexual attraction.  Well after assessing the situationship more "thoroughly", I realized that the ding ding wasn't as phenom as I initially thought and although we had a connection, it wasn't THE connection.

Now what I also took note of were the similarities.  How were these guys alike and did the red flag have anything to do with these similarities? What were things that I could/could not do without? What were things that I could/could not work with?  I know it seems like a lot to do, but I don't think that us women assess these potentials enough.  A lot of times we stumble into the next thing instead of boldly walking into things with a clear mind of what we have before us.  I want to alleviate all of the hazards that I can at the moment. I don't want to go into my future still ignoring warning signs or walking away from something great because he wasn't familiar.

NERDS!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I am still on the single train, but I can honestly say that things that were deal breakers for me....well they are DEAL BREAKERS more than ever now, and things that I once thought were important.....ARE STILL DAYUM IMPORTANT!!!

You have to treat people you invite in your life to an interview process.  Your circle is too crucial to your mental, spiritual, and emotional growth for you to invite just anyone into your life.  And sometimes it's necessary to revisit overlooked job applications to see if you currently have a position available for them. May not be a manager position but maybe they are good at answering phones.

Enjoy your new season!!!!  Until next time.

DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY: NUMERO THREE....

Okay so I'm back.  I had to step away for a few and find my dayum happy!!!  Sheesh....I was frustrating my daggone self.  But sometimes you just have to get that stuff out.  It does no justice and it makes you no more stronger to hold all of that crap in and suffocate yourself from the inside out.  I myself find it quite therapeutic.  But every vent session needs a "sit yo ass down and get it together" moment.  And I had to go ahead and have that come to Jesus meeting with myself for a few weeks.

SOMETIMES GOTTA FALL ON THAT ALTAH!!!!!

Anyhoo....back to the fun and back to life!!!!  When life is good, it is oh sooooo good, but when it's bad, you gotta learn how to stick, move, and protect ya rib cage.  That brings me back to the DECODING portion of my SINGLE MENTALITY rant!  And that brings me to my next tip....

So on my down time you know I staaaayed in front of the television.  I mean I watched Wendy Williams, Divorce Court, TMZ, LHHATL....etc., you name it and I could probably catch you up on what was the goinz on of ratchet t.v.  But what I picked up on and had to ask myself was what about me did I need to change???

We are so quick to point a finger and read someone else.  We have all of the advice in the world when it comes to another person's lifestyle choices and/or situations.  We know EXACTLY what we would've done had it been us in that situation or what WE would do if we had all of that money.  But the real question we should be asking ourselves is what are we doing with ourselves now?  Everyone has problems.  No one is above them, and everyone has enough going on in their lives to where they really don't need to be focused on how another eats, sleeps, and shits...but we do it anyway.

For the first few weeks, like everyone else I was caught up in ratchet world (still am). I ate my popcorn, drank my wine and waved my finger at the television talking about how these heauxs ain't loyal! Subconsciously I was being passive aggressive about my own situation.  I didn't know how to deal with my own shit, so I figured I'd play Dr. Philomena to someone else's.  But as time progressed on, and my situation got progressively worse, I really had to look deeper into ratchet world and realize I had the same problem as these characters.....I needed re-tweaking.

GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO CUT IT ON CHILE!!

We often pray and/or hope for a better life.  But seldom do most of us get out of our own daggone way in order to have what we hope and pray for.  We become stagnant to redundant actions.  I say stagnant instead of complacent, content, comfortable, or appeased because those terms equate to a level of happiness. Stagnant is stale, stuck, lazy, passive, dormant, DEAD!  We become so dead to walking in circles that our bodies and our minds just do it!  And living our lives vicariously through other individuals feeds this pig.   I realized that this was me.  Full of hopes, dreams, destiny, purpose, but unwilling to sacrifice my comfortable mentality. So used to hoping and doing just enough and not used to pushing harder and taking the necessary steps.  That could be my lifetime.  Just falling into situations and living on what I could've been or who I used to be. That is scary!  So comfortable with who I had become....smh

I've used the phrase so many times before that "I'm so many things to so many people"....this isn't a bad phrase, but I had to stop and ask myself who I was to me???  And did I want to be that person?  And if so, how do I change that?  How do I re-tweak that.  This plays into the most simplest things in life.  For these last few months, it never crossed my mind to re-tweak my dayum resume.  Never did.  This guy and I were chopping it up while I was getting my oil changed.  Random convo of course.  He mentions how he just got this job and how he had to change up his resume a bit.  That's when I swear that Jesus hit me over the head with a hammer and said "Dufus this is what I've been trying to drill in your head...CAN YA HEAR ME NOW?"

Being single...we pray for what we want, but do we prepare and position ourselves for what we want?  Do we fix what needs to be fixed?  Do we change out what needs to be changed out?  Remember....we have to be what the other person wants too!  We can't just be out chea living life as a 5 and expecting a 10 to meet us where we at....Not saying that it can't happen but why not be your best for someone?  Why wait for someone to come and make you better?  If you know what you need to do, then why not start making the necessary moves?

I say time and time again that we have to break bad habits and form good habits that will cause people that we need and want in our lives to be attracted and allured by the light we provide.  Well I don't say it time and time again, but best believe that I'm going to start now that I'm living it.

Most of the time we have to start from the inside.  Our actions/choices outside are usually a manifestation of what we have going on in the inside.  Sometimes it's necessary to break down our old belief systems and foundations; and rebuild a stronger, better, life lasting one.  And sometimes it takes for you to lose everything you thought was holding you together.  Re-tweaking your relationship with Jesus may be necessary too....Hey the preacha in me said it....NOT ME lol...

Keep it live and keep it sexy.....until next week!!!!

Thanks for rockin!!!

****Oh and I noticed that google has done something with my daggone pics.....NOT COOL!!!....so I may have to think of some more visuals to bring balance to my long-wind-ed-ness.....stay tuned!!

SOMETIMES THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH TORTILLA CHIPS...WHERE'S A LEATHER COUCH WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Sitting in this restaurant enjoying the free Wi-Fi and decent food.  I'm attempting to enjoy this beautiful Friday and welcome the weekend with smiles, shots, and fist pumps.  But I have to admit that today has definitely been a challenge for me.  Weirdly I've been feeling like I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone.   Nothing that I am trying is seeming to work out for me at the present moment.

TRAPPED IN BETWEEN A HUGE ASS WHITE MAN AND A HARD PLACE...

Quitting has definitely been one of my TOP FIVE options.  Not even going to lie.  But usually my rebuttal for that option is that if I do quit, I have nowhere to go and feel sorry for myself.  So like every day before the other day and before that, I pick myself up by my ankles, thank God for breath and opportunity, and I push forward and boldly face whatever lies ahead with a smile on my face.  Here lately it's been rejection.

It's a rough world out there folks.  Especially when you do it alone.  It's even harder when people don't/can't relate to what you and your God have discussed in private.  And during the "testing" period, God makes you look like a total fool every time.  I guess that's the challenge in trusting HIM and not listening to the outside chitter chatter.  I can definitely see how one could lose family and friends during this process.  You either ruin it being needy as all get out or you find out how they truly feel about you and your dumb ass ambitions.

That is one of the reasons I took a leave of absence from social networking.  Because sometimes I just don't want to fake the funk.  And I don't want my 500+ social network friends faking the funk with me!  I don't want to be positive sometimes.  Sometimes I want to tell the truth about how I really feel.  I FEEL LIKE SHIT!

My smile most days comes after an hour long prayer session, all of my bills are past due, my relationship with my best friend (my momma) is on the fritz, and every month end my stomach begins to flip because I just don't know how my rent is going to get taken care of!  There I said it!  I'm tired of hiding behind smiles and God is goods.  The raw truth is, I don't know if this was the right decision because my reality is saying that it isn't.  But God in his still voice says that it was.  So I have to trust that because that's who I choose to believe in!

I can't/won't even think about a relationship at this point.  Dating or anything.  A man isn't even a priority right now.  The thought of one approaching me just dries me up!  Like seriously why would he want to be with a woman that doesn't have a job and can't pay her bills.  Hell I'm turning my own dayum self off right now so the fact that they still approach me knowing this let's me know they aren't thinking with their brains but with their dinkles.  I guess being broke has it's advantages.  You can definitely see through the b.s.

MEN ALWAYS THINK GIVING US THE DINKLE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT...

Then when you are as broke as I am, it opens the door for "settling".  I found myself almost getting involved in a situation that due to past experience I am all too familiar with. I was seriously considering *clears throat* playing the sister wife role.  *hangs head in shame*.  I was so thirsty for affection that I was willing to wait my daggone turn.

Being broke is teaching me that it's okay to have standard.  And sometimes that standard means sitting and eating at the table alone.  It's not even about finances most times.  It's about how you see yourself.  It's okay to be broke, lose everything, and be single in the process.  You don't have to allow your circumstances to dictate what you will put up with and who you invite into your atmosphere.  I've been thinking on this saying all week, "He who has the money, holds the power."  I wondered why that kept popping up in my head, but then it all made sense when I was approached by someone that had the power to get me out of my current situation. I made a decision that his money didn't have power over my dignity.

It's okay to think you are better than someone and their options they present to you.  I didn't make the choices that I made in life so that I could allow any ol Joe Blow to come in and put his feet up on my good table.  Even at your lowest point, you still have the option to decide who you let in and who you let stay in.  I have $20 in the bank.  I am going to sleep peacefully tonight feeling like a regular human being and then tomorrow that money will disappear because I need toilet paper and toothpaste.  But through it all I will have my peace of mind and my dignity.

AND BEN & JERRY'S

Keep it cute folks!  Depending on my mood ring, I will be back to my sexy and fun world next week. Thanks for rocking with ya girl!!!

Until next time!!

INTERMISSION....THERAPY IS NOW IN SESSION! GROUP HUGS ARE WELCOMED!!!

Greetings and salutations all!  I have been sitting here trying to think of something witty to say.  Ya know....a good opener.  I can't....not today.  Actually this blog, I am going to take a break from my DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY chapter and just vent.  Can I do that today?  Can I talk it out with you gals n guys about what's been going on in Whit's world?

First off, I still do not have a J.O.B!!!  I tell ya one thing, struggling finances is a hard thing to overlook.  It's like the big ass pink elephant in the room.  EVERY room.  Lack of funds has definitely put a hold on dreams, aspirations, smiles, hi fives, and is really starting to wear on my positive, happy go lucky, optimistic frame of thinking.  Honestly, I'm to the point in the job search where I've stopped looking (don't tell anybody).  I'm beginning to totally relate to the "phcuk it" attitude of these panhandlers!  Everyday it gets easier and easier to sleep in and it gets harder and harder to smile through the bs.

But I tell ya what has changed.  I have NO PROBLEM asking a man for a coin, let me tell you!  Oh you want to be with me you say????  What you got on these lights, this car note, this rent, this phone bill, these groceries?????  Most of them I have chased off, but hey....lol....I don't have time!  I've never been one to ask a man for anything, but now a days pride has definitely been shoved off the cliff....dayum being pushed to the side!  It's a very humbling experience.  One that I wish only on my enemies (only on paper...not in real life).

Being broke puts things into perspective.  Especially relationships.  You begin to see people from the bottom looking up instead of as an equal (or that's how I see it in my mind).  Because now, you are in need of EVERYTHING and you find yourself being grateful for ANYTHING.  Even the scraps.  I find myself thanking Jesus because I got a quarter tank of gas or nobody wanted that last wing on the plate!  Being in this place has even ruined some relationships for me!  Because when you are standing at the bottom and are looking up, you really get a chance to see who cares and who's doing it for the vine.

DO IT FOR THE VINE....HE AIN'T GON' DO IT!!!!  HE DID THAT!! LOL

You definitely find out who the space fillers are in your life.  Some people are literally "just there".  When I had a check every two weeks, I used to give those folks purpose in my life.  Even though they had none. After this experience, if they have used love and me in the same sentence, but didn't take advantage of this opportunity to display said love, then they are a waste of space and their clothes are on the curb!

It's not always about money or things.  Sometimes its about the "just because" you are important to me.  Just because I care about your well being.  Just because I want to make you laugh.  Or my all time favorite, just because I can and I want to for you!  And oddly so it's been people that I never even fathomed giving a dayum that are apart of my everything right now!  You can always tell who's praying for you  and those are the people you want in your circle.

Life is definitely in perspective.  Never have I ever wanted a paycheck so bad Jesus.  Yes I HATE corporate America, but dammit if I don't love that paycheck....lol.  I've learned some great things about myself.  Like numero one....I AM NOT A HUSTLER!  I'm not even talking illegally...I'm talking all legal....lol...I couldn't sell a umbrella in the rain jack!  And I'm totally fine with that now.  I thought that I needed to unlock the gene in me or something because my brothers are amazing at making that dollah, but ummmmm....no ma'am!  I'm amazing at getting up and going to work!  A girlfriend of mine had to put that into perspective for me.

DAYUM DOG DOING BETTER THAN ME....SMH

Another thing I've learned is to NOT QUIT and NEVER CEASE TO PRAY!!! God has really shown up and out for me during this time.  Am I out of the hole....hell naw....didn't you hear me say that I don't have a job???!!!!  But I need and want for nothing on a daily basis.  Am I tired of feeling weak and helpless....HELL YEAH, but there literally is a blessing in everything.  I'm just excited to be in a position to help someone like I was helped when my time comes to be a blessing.

Am I going to give up on my destiny and purpose???? HELL NO!  This experience has been an answer to my prayers!  I'm learning my highs and my lows and walking out of places I never want to be again.  If anything this has lit more fiyah under my ASSets to make it happen.  I promise I've thought of a million "If I had the money" ideas since I've been down on my luck.  I'm learning to choose who I let into my world wisely and strategically because everyone isn't genuine.  Even more important every situation isn't for me!  If it's too good to be true, and it's not something you worked your ass off for, then it probably is!!!

WOODEN NICKELS......DON'T TAKE 'EM!!

If this is apart of the test....I sure hope I'm passing!!!

Back to regularly scheduled phuckery next week! BE GOOD AND BE YOURSELF!

DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY: NUMERO DEUX

So it's like four o'clock in the a.m.  I got wine wasted a little too early last night and my pillow beckoned me a bit early.  So now I'm up.  Can't sleep.  Figured I would get some blogging in before the sun came up and start slaying dragons.

THE VAULT and my last moment of sober sanity...

So here is my numero two of the DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY.  I really had to dig deep for this one because I love my circle!  I love my friends!  I love all of my relationships old and new (but that is another blog...stay tuned for that)!  But I really had to sit back and start paying attention to which friends my love life modeled after.

EITHER.....

OR.....

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a balance of guy friends to female friends.  Although I love my gals, there is something easy, less judgmental, and drama free about confiding in a guy.  Most aren't emotionally natured and tend to look at things more logically "at times".  Versus women, whom I sometimes think are secretly judging me for my indiscretions.  There is a BUT, I'm learning you can't talk game and relationships with the same guy!  A man in game season isn't equipped to relate to a relationship. Not that he's not educated in both areas, but at the moment he's committed to one more than the other.  Men are way more committed than what we give them credit for.  So the woman he is looking for isn't necessarily the woman you want to be.  Unless you are in the same season as him.

It goes the same way with women.  We are just an all over the place kind of species.  One day we are hot and one day we are cold.  Blame the hormone changes that we endure WEEKLY!  So depending on what week you catch your girlfriend she may be in a totally different place with things.  Also the Inspector Gadget outfit stays on with some women and confiding in them can have you turning an innocent handshake your guy makes with another woman into some kind of sexual code for "I'll call you when she goes to sleep".  I swear sometimes I think friendships are in the top five of relationship killers!  So we have to be careful that we aren't confiding in the "bitter single bettys" of the world or the insecure girlfriends in a relationship, who are waiting on the other shoe to drop.

REAL LIFE FATAL ATTRACTION

Now don't get me wrong....the tide can definitely change!  You can be cool with a guy that is all about relationships.  But if you aren't that model woman that he is waiting on, then you are imperfect in his eyes. Not good for your self-esteem. Then you could have that homegirl that is all about her business and getting emotionally attached to anyone is not in the stars for her.  So sex for her is detached.  Not good for your love below or your mental stability if you aren't mentally equipped like her.

I had to find balance in my friendships and realize that confiding in my whore male friends only promoted my love below having control!  They made her feel like it was okay to be like them!  And it was, but as a woman, there is a price that comes with that.  We as women can definitely do what we want, but as I have said before and will continue to say....there is power in our discipline!

As for my female love bugs, I just had to get tougher skin.  I had to embrace that people will judge you! Some criticism is constructive and some not so constructive.  Either is not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it's necessary to keep you aligned.

SEE WHERE WERE MY GIRLS WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING!! I NEED ALIGNMENT!!!!

Learning to take notes and not live by the lifestyle choices of others is so essential!  After you've gathered all of the advice and gotten all of the testimonies, warnings, shoulder shrugs, and you so stupid jokes, it's time for you to be silent and be still.  Assess your situation as your situation and make the decision that fits you and makes you happy.  LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR DECISIONS!  Your friends are there to walk with you, not be a light unto your path!  Leave that up to God, the universe, and yourself.

STAY TUNED!!!