SOMETIMES THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH TORTILLA CHIPS...WHERE'S A LEATHER COUCH WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Sitting in this restaurant enjoying the free Wi-Fi and decent food.  I'm attempting to enjoy this beautiful Friday and welcome the weekend with smiles, shots, and fist pumps.  But I have to admit that today has definitely been a challenge for me.  Weirdly I've been feeling like I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone.   Nothing that I am trying is seeming to work out for me at the present moment.

TRAPPED IN BETWEEN A HUGE ASS WHITE MAN AND A HARD PLACE...

Quitting has definitely been one of my TOP FIVE options.  Not even going to lie.  But usually my rebuttal for that option is that if I do quit, I have nowhere to go and feel sorry for myself.  So like every day before the other day and before that, I pick myself up by my ankles, thank God for breath and opportunity, and I push forward and boldly face whatever lies ahead with a smile on my face.  Here lately it's been rejection.

It's a rough world out there folks.  Especially when you do it alone.  It's even harder when people don't/can't relate to what you and your God have discussed in private.  And during the "testing" period, God makes you look like a total fool every time.  I guess that's the challenge in trusting HIM and not listening to the outside chitter chatter.  I can definitely see how one could lose family and friends during this process.  You either ruin it being needy as all get out or you find out how they truly feel about you and your dumb ass ambitions.

That is one of the reasons I took a leave of absence from social networking.  Because sometimes I just don't want to fake the funk.  And I don't want my 500+ social network friends faking the funk with me!  I don't want to be positive sometimes.  Sometimes I want to tell the truth about how I really feel.  I FEEL LIKE SHIT!

My smile most days comes after an hour long prayer session, all of my bills are past due, my relationship with my best friend (my momma) is on the fritz, and every month end my stomach begins to flip because I just don't know how my rent is going to get taken care of!  There I said it!  I'm tired of hiding behind smiles and God is goods.  The raw truth is, I don't know if this was the right decision because my reality is saying that it isn't.  But God in his still voice says that it was.  So I have to trust that because that's who I choose to believe in!

I can't/won't even think about a relationship at this point.  Dating or anything.  A man isn't even a priority right now.  The thought of one approaching me just dries me up!  Like seriously why would he want to be with a woman that doesn't have a job and can't pay her bills.  Hell I'm turning my own dayum self off right now so the fact that they still approach me knowing this let's me know they aren't thinking with their brains but with their dinkles.  I guess being broke has it's advantages.  You can definitely see through the b.s.

MEN ALWAYS THINK GIVING US THE DINKLE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT...

Then when you are as broke as I am, it opens the door for "settling".  I found myself almost getting involved in a situation that due to past experience I am all too familiar with. I was seriously considering *clears throat* playing the sister wife role.  *hangs head in shame*.  I was so thirsty for affection that I was willing to wait my daggone turn.

Being broke is teaching me that it's okay to have standard.  And sometimes that standard means sitting and eating at the table alone.  It's not even about finances most times.  It's about how you see yourself.  It's okay to be broke, lose everything, and be single in the process.  You don't have to allow your circumstances to dictate what you will put up with and who you invite into your atmosphere.  I've been thinking on this saying all week, "He who has the money, holds the power."  I wondered why that kept popping up in my head, but then it all made sense when I was approached by someone that had the power to get me out of my current situation. I made a decision that his money didn't have power over my dignity.

It's okay to think you are better than someone and their options they present to you.  I didn't make the choices that I made in life so that I could allow any ol Joe Blow to come in and put his feet up on my good table.  Even at your lowest point, you still have the option to decide who you let in and who you let stay in.  I have $20 in the bank.  I am going to sleep peacefully tonight feeling like a regular human being and then tomorrow that money will disappear because I need toilet paper and toothpaste.  But through it all I will have my peace of mind and my dignity.

AND BEN & JERRY'S

Keep it cute folks!  Depending on my mood ring, I will be back to my sexy and fun world next week. Thanks for rocking with ya girl!!!

Until next time!!