Ok so I told myself that I was going to get out of this
writing slump that I’ve been in. I haven’t
written in weeks! Just so caught up in “life”
I guess…or whatever in the hell that means.
I finally got a job!! TWO jobs actually and I need both of these sons of
guns too. Being out of work unprepared
isn’t ideal at all. BUT I’m still alive,
I didn’t get evicted, nothing got repo’d, and I’m still smiling so all is good
in my hood.
But my creative brain has suffered tremendously! Working almost 12-16 hours per day with no
days off puts a halt on thinking outside the box. So with all of this work that I’ve been doing
and the lack of male contact outside of some mild “What you doin’” texts, I’ve
noticed two things: The first is my
hustle is REAL, and the second is why do we become everything our exes wanted
us to be when you’re no longer with them?
I know it’s a thought posed as a question, but walk with me.
Now I say this because in failed relationships it seems we
are everything WE THINK our significant other wants. I remember my last “so called” relationship
in ’09 and I remember trying so hard to be what I thought he wanted and when he
rejected my advances, I swore he wasn’t shit in my mind. But in truth I just wasn’t ready for what he
tried to learn me. Now that’s a hard
thing for me to admit because at the time I thought of course that I was the
pick of the fucking litter, and you couldn’t tell me anything different! Although this process of admitting my
fuckedupness is hard I’d rather admit than keep being a dayum fool in future
commitments and blaming the next man for my issues.
How did I get here?
After going through decide ably the HARDEST four months of my life, it
took some forreal, forreal struggle and some major alone time (that was God
appointed mind you) to conclude that there were some areas I needed to grow the
fuck up in.
Sometimes we just get used to being mediocre in certain
areas. And this isn’t just man/woman
talk, this is life talk. We want someone
to accommodate and/or make due with shit that in truth we need to change. Now I know that I’m always on changing and
looking at yourself, but I’m about self-improvement. I’m not into male bashing or blaming men for
every single thing that happens with a woman.
We women aren’t always correct in our assessments and choices. We aren’t always correct in our emotional
love walks. Sometimes what we think isn’t
always what it is…and sometimes what we do isn’t always what he wants. Now apply this logic to life and the choices
that are made.
Now let me clarify…..this “so called” wasn’t shit in the relationship,
but apparently I wasn’t either. But it’s
crazy for me now because the things that probably turned him off about me have
now changed and I totally see my lacking.
I was a lazy bitch that expected to be taken care of and held no
accountability for my lack of planning or discipline. If I fucked up it was his job to get me out
of it. And although my character wasn’t
of a selfish nature, my actions were. It’s
crazy how “life” brings you back to the shit you struggle to walk past and
ignore.
This isn’t my typical blog, but it’s an honest one. Another thing that happened on my struggle
was that I stopped caring so much about what was liked and more about what was
needed. Excuse me why I attempt to get
my mojo back.
KUJICHAGULIA!!
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