The Celibacy Rules Chronicles: Tales of a Single Black Woman......THE THOT BOX: TO CLOSE OR NOT TO CLOSE MY LEGS....THAT IS THE QUESTION

Hello friendly firing readers and fonters of the social world.  What a weekend.  Late Saturday night, early Sunday morning our world, and I say world because an injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere  (MLK), experienced yet another form of prejudice induced hatred.  Not to mention my hometown of Tulsa, OK experienced a tragedy in itself  this month almost a century ago (which we still have yet to get an apology, reprimand...anything from but I'm not here for the history lesson so)...

THEY SILENCE YOU TIL YOU NO LONGER HAVE A VOICE TO SPEAK...R.I.P

Its so sad that in this melting pot of a world, in 2016, that we still suffer with prejudices.  Whether it be skin color, sexual preference, religious beliefs, political views, or simply because of one's sexual anatomy.  All of these advancements in technology, science, ways to make money, ways to connect the world, hell we can rebuild a dayum <<<< ebonic for "damn" heart, but we can't seem to get the heart together that God gave us.  Praying for all the people and all of the animals that have lost their lives.  Yes, animal lives do matter (._.) <<<my serious face.  Praying for the energy of this world. Negative energy begets negative energy.

With that being said, TO CLOSE OR NOT CLOSE MY LEGS...THAT IS THE QUESTION.  Forgive me, I'm feeling a bit Shakespearean today.  This is a serious issue that I've struggled with for a while.  Let me tell you where my struggle lies:

As a Christian, there is no ding ding without the wedding ring.  Those are the rules we are set to follow.  Other belief systems have a similar requirement of sex.  Usually in most cases, however, the woman is considered to be defiled, where the man is not quite held as accountable.  Actually in some cases, a man can have more than one wife should he so choose.  Which to me is pretty messed up because a man can get his rocks off with a different woman errnight <<<ebonics for every night.  And a woman is required to take the sloppy toppy seconds and thirds.

MOOD

So as a woman, a Christian woman, I battle with that.  The requirements of a woman.  But I understand we all have gender roles according to our sexual anatomy and amounts of estrogen and testosterone.  I get it.  Hence the title of this blog.  I wanted to follow the rules.  I still do, but for different reasons now....which brings me to....

Worth.  As a feminist, I believe that respect should be distributed evenly across the board.  And one (men and some women too) shouldn't set expectations for another person they themselves have no intention of living up to.  With that being said, I am not here for the men can do it and women can't movement.  It just doesn't register well with me at all.  As I've said on numerous occasions throughout this blog process and in real life, women have the same sexual appetite as men.  It took me a while as a female to understand that and then as a woman to embrace that it was okay to want sex for my own personal gratification.  Its a very powerful thing.

YAAAAAS NIECE

But I do understand the power in what I have.  I do understand that as liberating as it feels to get one off and send him down that walk of shame, I also must understand that I am giving something very precious away to someone that didn't show any type of worthiness to receive it.  That with every stroke I am receiving in a spirit of an unlikely stranger.  I understand it goes deeper than the sexual act, but has everything to do with the act if that makes any sense.

What I'm saying is...I GET IT.  And if I hold my worth at a certain level, why would I not require another person to hold not only my worth but their own worth in a similar manner.

So to answer the Shakespearean posed question, I choose to keep my legs closed.  Not because of my Christian beliefs (which should be enough) and not because I'm on some ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN movement.  But because I'm worth more than my own sexual liberation.  I'm worth more than a tradition that is never questioned nor expounded on.  I'm worth more than a netflix and chill dammit....lol.  But there are levels to this shit.  Embrace your own journey.  Learn from it and accept when that way of thinking no longer feeds you.  Learn to change and grow.  Love yourself.

Liberated.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE OTHER GIRLS......JUST BE GOOD TO ME!!

How you doin?  *in my Wendy Williams voice*.  I saw this meme, I won't say it was an article, because that would make it factual, and making it factual would mean there is a level of truth to it.  And because we are in the cut/paste era of the internet, I'm just going to call it as I saw it....a meme (meem, mim, mee mee....whatever your verbal palette prefers).

Anyway the meme was a picture of Deray Davis and two very attractive women.  Below the picture it says SALTUE to Deray Davis who is photographed with BOTH of his girlfriends.  Deray decided that he didn't want to cheat on neither woman nor leave neither woman, so he decided to be honest.

He has reported that the relationship is going GREAT and he does plan on wifing both women.

*BLINKS SLOW*

I posted this meme on my fb page and I got somewhat mixed reviews.  And not in the way one would think.  People understood the notion of polygamy, but most expressed they wouldn't be able to handle it.  Whether it be for emotional, financial, or mental stability reasons.  One person even said that it would take a very strong woman to be in something like this.  In my mind, I thought it wasn't a question of weak or strong but of provision and emotional neediness.  But I'm not here for the debate of polygamy.  At the end of the day, I believe you do what works for you.  If openly sharing a man works for you then by all means wait your turn.

THE CELIBATE BUS HAS ARRIVED

I can't say that is my cup of tea.  But then I have to stop myself and wonder......if my needs are being met, then would I really mind?  Is it possible for a man to share himself with multiple women and have the mental and spiritual strength to feed her non-physical needs and not to mention the viagra/cialis prescription to meet the physical?  Because I don't know how every other woman rocks, but my sexual appetite has only INCREASED <<< all caps and in bold.

But then I got to thinking.  Stepping out of the conventional box that we have been raised in, what's wrong with being happy?  At the end of the day that is what we all strive to be, and happiness is unique to each individual.  If the man I am involved with, notice I didn't hold claim to him nor did I give my own self a title, gives me everything I need (spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) then am I wrong for staying around if he sleeps with other women besides me?  What if I don't care if he does?  How does that song go, "Friends are always telling me, you're a user...I don't care what about those other girls, just be good to me...ooooooooh" ~s.o.s

I've heard the question posed many times, Do All Men Cheat?  And most of the answers are, you guessed it, YES!  But that is a big monkey to put on men as a whole.  I would like to think that all men have a little dog in them, that its just in their DNA, that in biblical times or before electricity was introduced that men practiced polygamy as a culture.  And a lot of cultures still practice this custom today.  I would like to ride with men just can't help it.  But then I meet that diamond in the rough.  That loves his wife unconditionally and would do everything to keep her happy.

THEY LUH GOD!!

And then the popular answer would be null and void.  Then this falsified scientific analysis proves to be just what it sounds like....an excuse...and a load of bullshit.  Do I think its disloyal for a man to sleep with multiple women?  Not if all parties know.  Do I think its stupid for a woman to be sexually loyal to a man that sleeps with multiple women?  Not at all.  If she's happy.  And I mean truly happy.  Not happy like waiting for him to get the hint and come to his senses, but happy at her own terms. Whether the tide turns her way or not.   Besides, not every woman sleeps around.  Some women are loyal to that one dinkle and will literally ride it out!

In conclusion, before this epidemic becomes a false religious spectacle and men start feeding women the line about WWJD and taking it back to the old school.....stop and think ladies how will it benefit YOU?  In this time, unlike the other, we now have options as women.  We don't have to be bought and sold like property.  We no longer have to marry into provision (when in fact that is what they were doing) women now create provision.  We don't have to be miserable!!  What are you getting out of the deal?

If a man wants to share his dick and expects you not to share your lockbox, what kind of guarantee is he putting in place?  What kind of payment plan do you have him on?  You can't give him the key to your sacred place for free just because he has good dinkle, he's nice looking, appears to have money, appears to be a good catch....no ma'am.  If he's such a good catch require him to pay like he prefers to lay, and he prefers you to cook, and rub his back,  and stroke that ego of his.  Its your boat!  Make sure you are the captain and not a crew mate!

FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE

SEX AND THE CITY CHRONICLES....TALES OF A SINGLE BLACK WOMAN: DETOX...

Wow.  It has been almost eight months since I last made a post.  I've gone through a few life transitions.  ALL GOOD in the grand scheme of things.  And that's all that matters anyway right?!  Not how you start the race, but how you end that mutha mutha!

I've learned that sometimes you can't PUSH THROUGH...sometimes you have to just BE STILL and let what moment is be that moment.  Live in the moment and stop trying to take notes.  Don't follow the rules, let the universe make the call.  Respect your process.  Respect your season.  Every season isn't meant for forward motion.  Sometimes progression is found in doing nothing.  The universe and its magnetic pull is real and its powerful.  And if you allow yourself to be still and patient and listen to your flow of life, you will know when to stop and when to go.  Notice I said YOUR FLOW OF LIFE....you can't...I REPEAT...you cannot base your progression off of someone else's.

Like a video game.  There are levels to this shit.  

THE RIGHT MOMENT IS COMING...JUST BE PATIENT

And there are obstacles along the way.  Sometimes you have to stop moving and let the trouble pass....or stop moving and let the trouble come to you and see how to  maneuver around it or climb over it.  That's that thing called PATIENCE that we as humans hate!  I really think its an overall human thing and not an individual.  I think we have to learn the concept of patience....and we are either going to learn it willingly or not so willingly.  Some never learn it, and we usually see the remains of their lives spread out sporadically when we view the visuals of their journey.

I say all of that to say, I had to fall back.  

BYE BYE KITTY....

Stop giving advice and start actually living the advice.  Stop giving a play by play of my thought process and develop a new way of thinking.  I was in a bad place and its hard to give sound advice, be witty and charming, and find the humor when ain't <<< yeah I used the ebonic term nothing funny about your current situation.  In the words of the great Forrest Gump.....IT HAPPENS!

SHIT! HOW DID I GET HERE?

So I'm here today beginning a 10 day detox......BOOOOOOOO!  I'm here today to start having fun again.......YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!  I've grown a little and my mind has been altered a smidge.  Not in a total conventional way but a way that forces people to look at other individuals as human beings and not the answer to their prayers.  And maybe for me one day this concept will soon change when I enter into another phase of my journey....but today this is where I'm at.  And its not such a bad place to be.

Nothing like enjoying what you do and where you are.  It costs nothing to smile.   Make it all beautiful!!!

#AreBlackWomenTrending

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: NO ONE LIKES SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and I told her that OUR problem is that we try and put God in a box.  We limit ourselves, thereby limiting Him.  We were talking about work, relationships, well hell...just life.  It's definitely what you make it.

I've been going through some crazy transitions.  Transitions that are very necessary.  Learning about yourself is so archaic.  Knowing what your limitations are in key details of your everyday, your life.....its constantly renewing.  I had to take a step back and learn to re-learn, re-appreciate, re-enjoy, re-love.  If we don't stay growing, our natural human instinct is to adapt and remain comfortable.

DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THIS AGE TO  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Its comforting having a plan.  Its motivating seeing that plan turn into action. But the "oh what to do when your waiting" scenari-woes.  And I'm not just talking relationships.  I'm talking about whatever is pushing you in a corner and forcing you to find another way out.  Forcing you to weather the storm, find an alternate solution, and overcome your fears.  That's change.  Anyhoo...I'm not here to preach or go through some Iyanla moment.  There is way more to a single woman than waiting on a SINGLE man!  We busy too cuh!!

DIRTY JOB....BUT SOMEBODY GOTTA DO IT!

I know it seems according to our social networking vents that single women are sitting around waiting on the right man to drop out the sky or that he's even one of our top five on our 10-year plan.  That's not totally the case.  Lets not confuse it.  No one wants to be in this world alone for sure.  I don't care who the individual fighting for individuality is and what they are holding out for.  Everyone wants someone around to share intimate moments with.  Same with love and life.  We all want prosperity.

I've learned or am learning the power of thought.  Where you are in life doesn't have to be the vision you see.  In fact, that's the thing we work towards.  The unseen.  I don't picture relationships being any different I suppose.  And when you are ready to be in something serious, your actions will model that.  I guess that's where I'm going with it.....in all aspects.  But you have to always wonder, if its something that hasn't been practiced...can it be implemented successfully?

When we were younger we learned to practice.  We learned to get better.  This was the confidence builder that pushed us to new levels.  From those small beginnings we learned the benefits of hard work and sacrifice.  Why for whatever reason we don't allow this life learning concept to pour over into other parts of our lives still baffles me.  More because I'm still in denial about my own self application.

But sitting here tonight it feels good to think again.  Wonder again.  Ask myself questions and allow myself to explore those answers through words.  I recently took a big leap of faith.  It was definitely a life altering moment.  But one that needed to be done and one I was in the position to do.  Even at the bottom you have to respect where you are.  When you open your eyes to that, you may realize you are in the best possible position.

OR NOT....

So as a single woman, there is more to my life than getting better so that I can add value to someone else's.  I'm busy adding value to myself so that I can provide myself with THE BEST options and not the I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE option.

My life definitely isn't flowing the way I pictured in my mind, but that's not to say that it isn't going according to God's plan.  Sometimes changing our focus in one area, can can change the outcome in all of the other ones.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA FEEL YOUR OWN SELF...

Until next time.....BE INSPIRED!

CONFESSIONS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.....I JUST LIVE HERE!!!

I have sat on this entry for like two weeks.  I hate when I do that.  No reason for the procrastination other than sometimes I just don't want to hit "publish".

THIS IS WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN.....HAPPY

THE MESSAGE

A person will be what you need them to be to get what they want.  That's the thing about the single life.  You have to realize that you aren't the only one that's single.  And single means different things to different people.

The best feeling in the world is understanding that people are just as screwed in the head as you. Some people put on a better front than others.

Some hide behind religion.

YOU BETTA GRAB AHOLD OF THAT SPIRIT NIECE!!!

Some hide behind material possessions.

BE DOING WAY TOO MUCH YO!

Some hide behind their kids.

REGARDLESS OF THE REASON, IT'S ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL THING

Half of the single world don't know what in the hell they want!  No matter the plan.  Most of us usually slip and fall into something....kind of serious....kind of real.....kind of consistent....kind of peaceful....kind of right.  Sometimes we slip and fall and get back up, some of us strike magic, and....well some of us slip, fall, and lay in it.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with either.  I mean we are human.  We do what we have to do for the moment.  And sometimes that moment spans throughout our eternity.  It is what it is.  No one should be faulted for attempting to make sense of the life we are given or the choices we make in an effort to be happy with our lives.  There is no rule book that we were obliged at birth, given to our parental units, and given to us at a mature age to help us govern through the remainder.

MY EXPERIENCE  

I would like to think of myself as a risk taker.  If I believe in something, I pursue it.  That's just how I'm wired.  It's apart of me.  Inside of me.  I mean look at me.  I've been to the best schools....and some of the not so best.  I'm college educated.  Intelligent.  Beautiful.  Come from an amazing family.....but I'm attracted to brokenness apparently...smh

I'm here admitting the shit about myself to the peepers that people don't even want to admit in the privacy of their own mind.  We pretend that we have ourselves all together and point the finger at the individual that actually admits that they are confused as a blind man going sight seeing.  I used to pretend.  Still do to a point....I think.  But some stuff I can no longer partake in.

Case in point.  When it comes to men, I attract what is broken in me.  I think in a sense we all do.   I'm a woman....therefore I am by definition a fixer....a nurturer....a creator. Men and women alike, manage to fix ourselves in a particular area, and we hope to pay it forward and award someone else that gift of freedom.  But the thing is everyone is in their own timing of life.  We can't walk into someone's life and offer them freedom, that to them is at a cost.  A cost of comfort.  A cost of surety.  A cost of knowing what the next day will be like....even if it is something disappointing.  There is comfort in all things.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS TYPE THAT MAKES ME SAY, "OK"

I've made a decision to not play fix it in anyone else's life.  I don't mind being who I was created to be and utilizing that gift to bless others.  But what I will no longer do is emotionally attach myself to something that I'm not equally yolked to on a hope and a dream.  Nothing like trying to find a silver lining in a storm cloud.

THE TRUTH AND THE CONCLUSION

Let's just be TOTALLY honest here.  People are happy where the hell they are at!  If and when they are ready to do something different, they themselves will put forth the effort.  I had to and still am learning that what I want out of this life may not be what another person wants.  I have to be okay with that.  Ladies you may have to face that man will never get a job.  He will never stop selling drugs.  He will never stop smoking weed.  He will never stop cheating on you.  Why....because he doesn't want to.  Has nothing to do with love, and what really needs to be understood is that his choices have absolutely nothing to do with YOU!!!

Let's face it, no one wants to admit they are broken....not even me.  No one wants to even go as far as admitting they have faults....let alone that those very faults are some of the things that we ourselves are attracted to.  Some of us want to fix that thing in others, hoping to somehow fix ourselves.  Others want to drown in it.

After reading this I'm concluding on this one that sometimes it's OKAY to lose dammit!  Better to suffer a loss, than win a fool!

Until next time.

CONFESSIONS: RE-EXAMINING MY PICKER...I THINK MY COMPASS WAS BROKE

One thing I have discovered about myself....I can not speak on that I have no experience in. I used to feel the need to hear my voice regarding every subject that seemed interesting.  Ask my friends....Whit ALWAYS has an opinion...lol.  But in light of wisdom, stupidity, ignorance, maturity, and the ever so famous quote, "Silence is GOLDEN"...I have learned to stfu and only part my lips with that which concerns me.  I try....Lord knows I do.

Its a hard thing for me to do of course.  Especially since I naturally have the need to get my point across (blame my daddy).  But as the experience with this blog has taught me, there are things that I should have no opinion on.

CASE IN POINT.....RELATIONSHIPS

I haven't been in a "real" relationship in almost 10 (yeah...count that) years.

I WAS PRACTICALLY A BABY...

Now I have had some prolonged situationships....that lasted way longer then they should have.

One of them I hid behind the whole "bestie" monarch.

We had a connection of course.  I mean what two human beings don't that have a sexual attraction. But I played that "bestie" card too often in my looking back and now I know better opinion.

He would hurt me and I would play the "bestie" card.  He would lie to me...slam that "bestie" card on the table.  He would put another woman before me...where the hell is that card?! SLAM! And this isn't me convincing him.  This is me convincing me in my mind that he really cared, that we had a purpose, that I mattered.  Crazy how we work so hard to convince ourselves something that is full of shit is real.

Now this ignorant state of mine went on and off.....on....and then off for almost 10 years.  There was a point in about year number 5 when I knew we weren't going to be together.  But he just felt so good.  I no longer cared about the other women and he no longer cared to lie to me about them.  He didn't even care to pretend that there was going to be his heart at the end of the dark hue'd rainbow.  Now of course at the time when I was ear deep in the bullshit, I actually thought this was growth! Lmaooo...I actually thought this was me growing into acceptance and him....well I never took the time to think what it meant to him.  I was a mainstay in his life and that's all I cared about.

I'LL JUST WAIT....TIL SHE LEAVES

He could call me with anything and I would listen.  He wanted me to come over....I literally dropped the Bible to get there.  I mean if he didn't call me when he was in need it would hurt my dayum feelings....smh.  Now catch this....the thing that finally pushed me to the "this is my stop on the merry-go-round" pimp ride was him promising my mother a bottle of wine (her fave) and not following through.  Now lie to me all you want.  Fill me up with disappointments and bullshit fairy tales.  Bless the world with your offspring from various women and lie with me and tell me they tricked you.  But don't embarrass me by spewing your venomous lies at my momma!  The ninja had to go!! The faucet of my love below finally went dry for him and I finally began to see him for what he really was in my life....nothing.

My other situationship was a bit more calculate on my behalf.  I was in the "off" period of the "bestie" at the time, and I needed someone to fill that void.  It was one of those moments as a woman where we try to be the guy in the situation.  I only ended up looking like the weakest bitch of all the weakest bitches.  I texted him, he would never text back.  I called him and he would hit ignore.  I would send him hour long text messages and he would respond with one word.  So pitiful.  So insecure.

SO EXPOSED

Now this guy had THE BEST sex I think....hell not think...he did have the best sex I'd ever had!  Forgive me momma and aunties and brother and cousins if you are reading this.  Now see at that time I was primarily sex driven.  From previous experiences I thought it was the key to a relationship. I really didn't think that anything else mattered or was more important than that.  After all, that's what I knew that all men wanted so if they got it and it was as great as it was between us....well....

Whatever wrong he did to me I let it slide right off.  No matter how hurt I was.  No matter how embarrassed I was.  No matter how much it proved that he had absolutely minimal respect for me, I held on strong.  I wanted to be with him.  I didn't pay attention to the obvious signs.  The fact that he was a single parent and I had no children and was more intimidated by kids then they were of me.  He had just gotten out of a seriously long term relationship that left him heartbroken and bitter.  He had his stuff together and I was still living paycheck to paycheck.  Falling behind in rent, bills, spending money on clothes and attempting to live like the Jones'...which I never succeeded at.  Not to mention he had/has a cougar on his team that had a plan.  And you cannot beat a woman with a plan.  I initially laughed at her.  She made so much effort to be in his corner.  But now....I get it.  She taught him the game....and well...I taught him the benefits of kagle exercises.  Go figure.

Sadly and fortunately I guess the "good sex" guy never fully committed to me.  He lied to me though.  Even went as far as to say he wanted me to be his wife one day. THAT is what I held on to for the next 3 years.  I kept telling myself that he wanted to marry me and eventually this would work out.  Even though he kept his life separate from mine, he cared less about things that were important to me, and the first and only time he said those three words was after the cougar and I had a knock down drag out fight in the residence that was in her name......lmaoooo....smh. Shame.

I walked away from both experiences not hating anyone.  I still have love for them both.  After all, I can't fault them for my ignorance.  They are however, held accountable for their deceit....but that is between them and their God.  Karma is a patient bitch and will grab ahold of their asses soon enough.  And for that I offer up prayers on their behalf.

So I conclude by saying...I know nothing about what it takes for a woman to be with the man she wants.  I'm my own experiment and I have failed miserable in my past (hence why these legs remain closed).  But what I can tell you is how to wait.  How to be single.  How to do things that cause you to fall more in love with yourself.  How when you fall down and get disappointed, how to get yourself back on track and keep it pushing.  That's what I'm about.....uplifting women...and men if need be.

The next installment of this blog is about me...and my past...my experiences and what I've learned from them.  Hopefully I can catch someone living in my past days as their present and cause them to LET IT GO or maybe hold themselves to a higher standard than I held myself.

Life is a lesson.  You can either learn from someone else's or experiences the pitfalls on your own.

Until we meet again.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY....THE ART OF LETTING GO - REVISITED TIL I GET THIS ISH RIGHT!!!!

I swear life is a song.  So let me start from the beginning.....of this blog.  Because my mind is at the middle.  I've had a wild experience this go round of singledom.  One that has left me tipsy....confused....inspired.....excited....MIXED UP!

What do you call something that moves fast, forces you to move slowly, consistently, and thoughtfully, AND has no repeats????  Answer:  LIFE.

People always tell me that life is too short.  And thinking back last night when me and my girls were listening to what would now be considered "old skool", vividly recalling where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with....life happens in the blink of an eye.  For a moment being able to breathe in the summer air as a child and feel the heat of the sun on our necks.  It felt like just the other day.  But we look up and it was over 20 years ago.  A hard pill to swallow, but still a pleasurable effect because you realize you have memories....and although you can't get them back, you can always go to them and get that feeling.  Life is short.....but moments can seem like forever.

LIFE IS BUT A DREAM......LOVE YOU DADDY

In my last few entries or maybe even the last one.  I'm too tipsy really to go into the archives and do the research but....lol...I said something about in order to move forward, you have to let go of the good experiences as well as the bad to really assess where you are in this life thang.

I'm losing you...hold on...putting it in relationship status....in relationships....ANY relationship it is the GOOD experiences that keep us afloat....keeps us hopeful and alive.  And although a great thing, sometimes it can cloud the reality of......nothing.

MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL

GOOD EXPERIENCES can stretch a relationship that should have ended at two months to two years. I learned I can hold on to what used to be, how it used to be, to the point that I don't even see that I am nothing less than an addict chasing that first high.  Companionship (I won't say love) is my drug of choice, but a high just the same.

BAD EXPERIENCES...well we know how these things can go.  Bad experiences cause you to marinate on the hurt.  I would elaborate on hurt but when I sit and think about it EVERYTHING HURTS!  Everything comes from hurt....but crazy is the thing that rested in me that I pulled from bad experiences is my lack of responsibility in it.  Focusing on his fuck ups and not my own.  Focusing on his games and not the ones I play.

WHO AM I?

I can't change how things turn out, but I can change my perception of it.  I can allow a moment to change me or continue to be who I am in spite of what the moment brings me.  Just because something doesn't turn out how I may plan doesn't mean it won't turn out how its supposed to....and that is...well hell its disappointing shit...BUT its life and I can't continue to fight it.

There is no glory in being the victim!  There is no glory in sympathy likes or basing my feminism off the carcasses of men I've emasculated in an attempt to fill whatever emotional void the other man left.  There is no reward in hate.....just it...there is no reward.  Hate will travel with you and will become you.  Bitterness can comfort you just as good as a great rim filled glass of merlot.

I can't display hatred towards an individual that played such an enormous part in, what at this moment, is the present part of my life.  Even though in a moment it will be a blink of an eye.  I can't hate someone for having the same hang ups, the same insecurities, the same self destructive habits, and the same "right to have options" mentality, that has comforted me and, let me tell it, protected me thus far.

WRAPPING IT UP

T.D. Jakes wrote something called the Power of Goodbye years ago....and every time I come to a moment that I question, that passage comes right back to me.  It has meant something different to me at different times...but today it simply means LETTING GO of the option to be hurt.  I choose to accept.  I choose to live in the present.

And the present.....ain't working for ya girl.  Whatever made me smile before has dissipated in the now of things.  What was once a reality is now a memory.  Ya gotta know when to hold and know when to fold.  I FOLD!!

Keep it classy....keep it cute....keep it happy!!  Until next time folks.....

Liberated Nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: I'M HAPPY.....A LADY TOO....AND MEN ARE SENSITIVE!! WHO KNEW??!!

I've been battling this blog for weeks now.  Trying to find something that sticks.  Something that keeps my attention.  Because if it doesn't keep me, it for dayum sure isn't going to keep you.

I sit here on the anniversary of the day my grandmother was taken away from me, thinking how beautiful death can be.  I know some are reading this and I'm losing them in the shuffle of beautiful and death.  But stick with me.

When seen with the proper optical lenses, death brings life!  You realize how precious life is.  You appreciate life more.  The motivation that was already in you suddenly increases and sets you in motion to live your life to the fullest.  And every year, her death is a reminder to me that life is short, life is unfair, life is hard, but life is WORTH IT!!!

THE MOMENT OF CLARITY

So with that....this will be the first time that I say that I'M HAPPY with me!!!  Not because I have a man, or because I have the career I want, or because I'm driving the car I dreamed of (a smoke gray Range Rover with peanut butter interior if anyone wants to hook ya girl up), or even because I'm living how I want to live...but because I'm simply happy with who I am.

No matter what our mouths tend to say when we have an audience to show up for, how we treat ourselves is the true tell tell of how we really think of ourselves.  It's not about what you have more than what you do with what you have and what you do to get what you want!

THE EXPLANATION

My manager at work said something to me that stuck.  In the simplest of terms she broke down what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a lady.  We were talking about ALLOWING men to open doors for us at work and how we felt obligated to speed up our walk or grab a door if a man held a door open patiently for us to walk through.  I admitted....if a man opened a door for me, I would sometimes touch it.  I'm assuming a subliminal form of independence.  But she simply stated that we are women all of the time...never turn down the opportunity to be a lady.

A WOMAN VS. A LADY

We are born as women and raised as women, but we are taught to be ladies.  Some by our fathers or other male figures who love they momma.  Some by our mothers who know the value in the concept. Then life happens to us and the idea or the time for being a lady dissipates.  We learn to harness our pain and disappointments instead of letting them go.  We continue the cycle of choosing not so good fish because we are less guided by our natural instincts and guided more by circumstance and tainted emotion.

THE TEA

That leads me to the question:

As a Single Woman In Her 30s....Can I Really Recognize a Good Man?

In my previous blog I talked about the one coming and him not being what you planned.  You two not meeting where you planned.  And I realized that the stipulations we create are what we are comfortable with.  Our stipulations give us the green light...the okay to like this person.  To push forward into something.

Wolves come in all forms of sheep clothing and ain't shit individuals <<< ebonics, can be at the dayum coffee shop!  They can dress exactly how I want them too, talk like I want, have the career I expected, the credit score I dreamed he had, the boss status, the living quarters....he can make me put a huge check mark on my ideal man list!!!

I'M SO CONFUSED JESUS.....HOW COULD THIS BE A NO?!

But he can still be the same thing I've always attracted...because I'm still the same me!  I'm still the same closed off, I can do it by myself, emotionally detached because it's for the best, I'm in total control ass WOMAN!!! Looking good on paper and selfies but my wounded heart is patched up with diverted moments of independence.

THE CONCLUSION

I learned that men are just as sensitive as women.  I learned that men need reassurance, have insecurities, and have trust issues just like women do!  Men harness experiences just like we do.  They have their standards too.

The truth is.....perception is reality.  I didn't want to accept that concept, but that's why first impressions are so prevalent.  Being aware of the energy I release dictates what comes my way.  Simply put, how can I demand something I myself don't exude?  HAPPINESS.

A choice to not be affected by the turbulence of life.....HAPPINESS...the choice to focus more on the highs and learn lessons from the lows...HAPPINESS...letting go of....fear.....HAPPINESS...

Be Blessed.

Liberated nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN YA 30S: GIRL 6....THE ART OF STORYTELLIN'....

It's Christmas Eve.  I'm relaxing on my couch, legs propped up, having a glass of vino, typing to you. I'm not going home for Christmas.  I'm not happy about that by any stretch of the the imagination.  I would so rather be in my mom's face, having a laugh with my besties, puckering my lips up to a handsome lad, and toasting up a cheers!  But that is not the case and I'm utilizing my peace and quiet to get some good words off <<< ha...that's what he said.

Anyhoo, while sitting here I contemplate the experience of long distance interests. How does one "perform" or "behave" properly in a long distance exchange of interests?  Excuse me but, I feel weird saying relationship.  Basically all the two of you have is an exchange of words and an occasional selfie.  All of which have to be EXTRA on point of course.  But, *sighs*, when ya in ya 30s and you single, you have to learn to open yourself up to all interpretations of getting to know someone.  Letting go......right?!

While embarking on this new journey complete with my hiking boots, rope, natural hair, and khaki shorts, there are some things I've found necessary when long distance interchanging.

MY HIKING GEAR LOOKS BETTER THAN YOURS....

TEXT MESSAGING AND PICS IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST!!!!

No matter how strong your conversation game is those visuals are an absolute SO IMPORTANT!!! Spelling and wit are VERY necessary as well.  You can't carry on a conversation properly without knowing how to freakin' spell.<<< team ebonics  And you can't successfully have your text messaging interpreted correctly without an ounce of wit and character attached.

Interpretation and presentation are so important in this new world.  There are going to be times you may have to look "flawless" like it's date night by the face all while trying to be as sexually casual as possible.  Thank the internet app gods for filters that have created some of the best selfies ever!!!

I LOOK JUST LIKE THIS ERRNIGHT....ERRNIGHT!

INVEST IN A FACE TIME/GLIDE/SKYPE

Getting some live interaction is just about as important as the first impression at the official meet and greet.  You have to expand your creativity and remain open to someone seeing you at your best and worst at any given moment.  After all....isn't that what we want that one to fall in love with?  The real us?

But you have to be careful to utilize these additional features WISELY....partaking in the fun after you have thrown back a few or are feeling uhhh....how shall I word this...."some kind of way", is grounds for trouble and a pool of regret if things don't work out.  Nothing like the "walk of shame" in the cyber world.  It's worse than slipping and falling in a crowded room with a drank in your hand, but never spilling the drank.  You appear to be a professional.....drinker.

Now keep a close eye on your love below.  She probably isn't used to much attention by now and the first stroke of her already immense ego will have her purring like the kitten she is.  You've been warned.

AIN'T NOTHING SLICK TO A CAN OF OIL

The upside is it can bring you and that person closer in a way.  Without actually trying you bring that person deeper into your dark, twisted fantasy world of sexy pajamas, moisturized lips, and undeniable charm.   When any other time your lips are stained with cab, you have on your favorite OU hoodie, and those comfortable socks with the hole in the heel.

SHARE INTERESTS THAT TRANSCEND THE DISTANCE

Focus on the interests between you two that can benefit from the circumstance.  Ladies if he's into sports then you better hop on that bus with a transfer. Or if you got a favorite show, you better lock him the hell in to the point date night is every Tuesday at 9 o'clock!  The unique thing about this world is if you possess even a piece of creative mustard seed you can turn something taboo into something strong that focuses more on the intellectual and interests and less on the physical.

But please refer to the previous bullet point....that video chat and text messaging creates the world....your intellect and wit sustain it. <<< that one was free...

Once you shake the idea that enjoying someone means being physically in their presence, being able to touch them, and look intensely into their eyes is necessary to enjoy them, you will open yourself up to a whole nutha<<< team ebonics world of high school childishness and teenage crush feelings you forgot existed.  You play your cards right and you'll be reliving that "You sleep?"..."huh? Naw I ain't sleep........zzzzzzzz"....good times...

CHOOSE A DATE TO MEET N GREET AND STICK TO IT

REMEMBER....NO NIGHT CAPS!!!

One of the hardest challenges of distance is not only keeping that fire lit, which could possibly drive that love below of yours absolutely crazy.but making an effort!!

When someone crosses your path in the cyber universe....meeting can sometimes be one of the most challenging challenges.  It's more than meeting at the coffee shop in a mutual location or casually bumping into each other at the happening club setting.  You have to actually work for it.

That's the unreachable booger in this scenario.  You have to accept that things that would usually be in your hindsight vision aren't quite as visible.  It's a weird world...one that my in denial 30 PLUS ass wonders if she is up for the upgrade.  But no expectation of the physical can definitely diminish a potential.  Make an effort!!!

CONCLUSION

Be PATIENT!  Even in this fast paced world that we live in now.  Basic principles still apply and they still tell you the outcome before you cash all in.

Be VOCAL!  Communication and understanding are the main leaders in this race.  The percentage in these two needs to be high and effective.  It's much like having 7 senses but only able to utilize 2.   You have to allow those two things to guide you....and trust that.

And finally....Be YOURSELF!  Nothing is more beautiful than who you really are...in all of your imperfections and best traits.  You are the perfect, unique mixture...just how you are!  Believe that without seeing the physical that someone can see the real you.

Until next time.....BE!!!!

#liberatednation

SEX AND SINGLE IN YA 30s....THE ART OF LETTING GO

I have tried a million times to write this blog...lol.  Like seriously I have stared at the screen, much like I'm doing now.  I begin with a great start and then two paragraphs in.....no substance.

I initially was going to talk about the ex-factor, and why it seems so hard to let it go. But in essence, how questionable is that?  The answer is pretty much plain as day: love or familiarity.  And regardless of what side of the grassy knoll you reside on, the point comes to "comfort".  But yet and still more yet then I care to admit, I made a 3 week attempt to make it be more.  Sometimes thangs are just what they are supposed to be.

But moving forward I begin to wonder....after the morning after, after the night before, when all of the fun is over....sorry had a Frankie Beverly and Maze moment.  After all of the evaluation, the loving yourself, the doing you, the stepping out your box dates, and the joys of sleeping in the middle of the bed.....what happens if you meet "that guy"?

You can shout at the highest peek of a salt mountain how ready you are, but until tested how do you really know?  You can't create the setting, no matter how you have planned it out in your mind and frequented that one spot where your "ideal mate" could be.  You can't create the circumstances in which you two may meet, although you planned casually bumping into him, staring into his eyes, and him offering you the rest of his life at no charge.  And most importantly.....you can't create the man!

There are just some moments that we can't predict.  And no matter how hard we claim, when we are single that we have left the emotional baggage in the wind, and we'll know when he schmoney dances into our space....do we really know?  One thing that I have learned as an actress is you can prepare until you are soar in the limbs.  Memorizing your lines, charactarizations, beats, actions, objectives and all the other factors you don't realize play into real life.  But after all of the preparation, the most important lesson you learn is to LET IT GO!

You have to trust yourself and your preparation.  And you have to realize that knowing when to relinquish control is often the best form of control.  There is joy in not over analyzing and enjoying the moment.  Sometimes we get too caught up in "our" rules and regulations.  We have the societal standards of what something is supposed to look like so deeply rooted in our memory banks that we miss the beauty of the trees for the forest.

If you've basically been in bad apple relationships that after careful analyzing and acceptance you realize was a bust from the beginning anyway....how exactly are you going to know what real looks like?  You can pray to baby Jesus with the Debarge family waves and the caramel skin tone, asking for that sign all you want.  But you can't avoid the test!  You have to let go of what you used to know. And what I mean by that is punishing your potential future for what your past created in you.  That insecurity.  That uncertainty.  The test is created to teach you how to trust....yourself.

Trust yourself enough to know that your past has shaped you, not created you.  Your mistakes have given you wisdom, not torn you apart.  Your experiences have added to your character, not taken away your beauty.  Accept that some moments may not be forever, but they are beautiful just the same.  And there are a such thing as beautiful lessons too.

Until next time.  Be YOURSELF......

liberated nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY.....DATING OR LACK THERE OF IN YOUR 30s

Sitting here.  Well past my bedtime....and its okay.  It's been a while since I've had time to write, or even wanted to write, let's just be real here.  The thought of creating art is something I have ran from for the last few months.  Its crazy what disappointment will do.  
Anyhoo, I must acknowledge my growth, accomplishments, and my triumphant feet over my obstacles!!!  True it has been a while, but I did what I had/needed to do...and most importantly, I made my way back :)

So now to the GOOD stuff 

During my hiatus I've discovered a few things.  One most importantly....when you are busy, you aren't thinking about a ninja* <<< this pertains to any ethnicity.  As a matter of factly, if you come across someone that isn't on the kind of hustle that you're on, it's an ABSOLUTE turn off!  And well let's just say...I'm turned the hell off!

When I initially came into this writing thing a year ago, it was a challenge to myself.  I was seemingly through with my choice in men.  I vowed to discover within myself what in the blue mountain fuck was wrong with me to where I attracted the dead end situationships I was attracting.  Key word SITUATIONSHIP!!  And I did!  I broke me down and notated my discoveries.  It was wild and fun to explore, date and find out my likes, dislikes, preferences, deal breakers...shit was cool.  

BUT.....after that, then what??!!!  Because it's not always us...the woman.  We aren't always at fault.  We aren't always the ones that need to DO BETTER!  And upon that discovery, I discovered that general sex is whack as hell and can lead you on some pointless detours, and stepping outside of your preferential box is total bullshit! 

CASE IN POINT 

You get horny and you think, "He's sufficient.", "He'll do.", "I like his smile", "He makes me laugh" and that's just the appetizer.  Let's not count in a few drinks, a good dinner, some more drinks, and some nice music and two stepping.  By the end of the evening you're planning THE LIFE.  Crazy where need and emotion mixed will take you.  But then after the after party you begin to realize that it's all a waste of time...that your bed feels much better...that you didn't cum, you really faked it....and the big "A HA" that you are really better and can do better than this dude!

In no way am I saying that all men are shit or even the dude you end up in a situationship is shit.  But what I am definitely stressing is that EVERYTHING that LOOKS and FEELS good to ya doesn't mean it's the best thing for ya.  In the grand scheme of things.

Let's take it a step further....let's say...for hypothetical scenarios that you take this ninja* <<< refer to previous reference, seriously.  You fall into the "good morning" texts, the late night phone calls, the womanly instinct to provide a home..for him...a safe haven.  This safe haven can convene in between your legs, the ride you give him to work, or the "I just threw something together, but I really pulled out my grandma's recipe" home cooked meal....

Then the a week, month, and sometimes if the ding ding is really good, a year or two can zumba on by and you FINALLY realize that.....you can do better that the situation you've landed yourself in.  You finally accept wanted to make it work for your sanity's sake and your fans.  

Aside from all the bullshit that falls out your mouth about how you won't take shit from no ninja*, you needed to believe that he was different.  That what you chose to let into your space was worth it.  But was it really worth it?  In the midst of trying to get wifed you lose yourself.  You can potentially lose your ambition, your personal goals, and your dayum mind!!  You can say you found your strength, but what about the strength in the beginning, at the restaurant, during the appetizer when he couldn't chew with his mouth closed?  But....the flesh gets lonely.

THE CONCLUSION

Then the task of stepping outside your box.  There are some things that just don't bend. There are some areas that govern NO negotiation.  And I discovered that.  Having preferences is not, by any means a bad thing.  I don't care if you meet the mark yourself or not.  There is someone out there for everyone, and you are attracted to what you are attracted to for a reason.  Damn the human issued guidelines!  Just because you look a certain way, are a certain color, dress a type of way, or like a type of thing doesn't box you into a particular category of who is attracted to you.  It takes a charming muhfudga to win you over when they don't at the very dayum least meet at least one of your top 10 criteria, and let's face it....the world isn't quite filled with them witty bastahds. 

So in conclusion.....if you are single, bask in that shit!  Stop praying for a man and just live, stop looking for a man and just live, stop WAITING on a man and just freakin live.  Do yourself a solid* <<<< hood lingo for "favor". Don't bend to settle, accommodate your emotions, or the good enough.  You deserve the best!!

Until next time......be great #liberatednation 

LOST DIARY FILES: LIFES ALL ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX.......

So let's talk about the level of agitation that I'm currently feeling in regards to men.  I just don't like them.  I don't like the games, I don't like the courting, I don't like the broken pinky swears.  I'm just really over it!  I don't want to go on a date, I don't want to get to know anyone,  I don't want the good morning texts, I don't want any of the pre-conceived expectation of courting.

I would actually just prefer to just meet someone in a bar or some other random location at their absolute worst, when they could give one dayum about their representative or trying to impress me, hit it off, and know at that moment that THIS is the real him.  Or how about if we just had some raw truths tattooed on one's body with invisible ink that can only be seen in black light?  That way we know what we are getting ourselves into when the lights go out.

There was a point and time that I was hopeful in finding a mate.  And don't confuse it.  I know that one day I will be caught up in the rapture of love while being pushed on tree swings in the country air, or laying in hammocks sipping little drinks with umbrellas in them; him on one end and me on the other.  I truly believe that.  But right now, I'm so cool on it!

There is so much to being single in your 30s.  At times it's liberating and at times it totally sucks ass.  For over a year I have broken myself down.  I have put almost every aspect of myself and my personal out there for the ones that grace me with their eyes, just so I could get an understanding of me.  I've taken blame for my shortcomings and most of all admitted to myself that I could've done better.  I have stepped out of my box and "tried" to turn a blind eye to things that I otherwise would step right over.  I tried to like people that liked me all int he name of following my granpa's advice of, "making sure he loves you more than you love him".  But as quickly as I turned on...like a light switch, I get turned off.

I swear I'm like a cat in real life.  One minute I want you up under me and the next minute I"m praying to yeezus that you give me 50 FEET!!!!  And the agitation is definitely growing.  Instead of breaking down walls, it seems like I'm building more that are higher, wider, and thicker.  I.JUST.DON'T.HAVE.THE.TIME!

Sex at this point is totally overrated.  I mean yeah I get the urge but when I think about the after effect of looking at the guy lying next to me, nothing between us, all of his idiosyncrasies shining a fluorescent light...yours too, feeling the after effects of his smell, his right to breathe, mad at yourself for even letting him touch you....yeah...it's a cold, cold world.

In your 30s you realize that stuff just isn't as simple as you thought they were in your 20s.  Or maybe they were simple in your 20s, but in your 30s there's more on the line.  Usually by this time people have responsibilities and those responsibilities have to be taken into consideration when choosing a mate.  Not to mention the other stuff like spritual beliefs, attraction, compatibility, job status, income bracket, health issues, sexual compatibility....etc.  When you are in your 20s most likely you are punch drunk in love and not really thinking about a lot of these things.  You just know you love him and he loves you back, and you be on that love is all we need type ish!

Your 30s force you to see past the fairytale and ask yourself if you really even like this mf like that?!  Is he/it even worth the vows and the joint back accounts, the kids, the accumulated bills, the arguments, the making up, the prayer requests, the counseling, the jealousy.......decisions.

I can definitely see why they say it’s harder to get married in your 30s.  For two reasons…..one you’ve probably played in the game a few times and your defenses are high as hell ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR every decent man is UNAVAILABLE!  And truth be told the ONLY reason why they are even decent is because their other half dedicated her 20s making and molding that ninja from a bathe three times a week, non-cooking, can’t dress, all he know how to do is get a good edge up looking ass to the smell good, knows how to be attentive to a woman, knows how to rock the perfect shoe with the right belt and tie looking man that you see before you!  Dayum behind every good man is a good woman….behind every good man is a GREAT woman!!!!  She’s the reason he even gets a second eyeball.

The thing about your 30s is that you start running into the unavailability tab. In your 20s you are likely dealing with possible baby mama drama, some “lil romeo” that thinks he’s a player, the other girl that thought she was the girlfriend too…shit like that.  But in your 30s you start bumping into the men that have probably been married for so many years and they hitting that seven year itch and they are looking for something to “hit”.  Slowly but surely that unavailable tab creeps up on your radar.  It’s a total bitch let me tell ya. 

Of course you, the woman are settling into the idea of permanent and all you are meeting are temporaries.  It’s a cold cold world.