#AreBlackWomenTrending

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: NO ONE LIKES SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and I told her that OUR problem is that we try and put God in a box.  We limit ourselves, thereby limiting Him.  We were talking about work, relationships, well hell...just life.  It's definitely what you make it.

I've been going through some crazy transitions.  Transitions that are very necessary.  Learning about yourself is so archaic.  Knowing what your limitations are in key details of your everyday, your life.....its constantly renewing.  I had to take a step back and learn to re-learn, re-appreciate, re-enjoy, re-love.  If we don't stay growing, our natural human instinct is to adapt and remain comfortable.

DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THIS AGE TO  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Its comforting having a plan.  Its motivating seeing that plan turn into action. But the "oh what to do when your waiting" scenari-woes.  And I'm not just talking relationships.  I'm talking about whatever is pushing you in a corner and forcing you to find another way out.  Forcing you to weather the storm, find an alternate solution, and overcome your fears.  That's change.  Anyhoo...I'm not here to preach or go through some Iyanla moment.  There is way more to a single woman than waiting on a SINGLE man!  We busy too cuh!!

DIRTY JOB....BUT SOMEBODY GOTTA DO IT!

I know it seems according to our social networking vents that single women are sitting around waiting on the right man to drop out the sky or that he's even one of our top five on our 10-year plan.  That's not totally the case.  Lets not confuse it.  No one wants to be in this world alone for sure.  I don't care who the individual fighting for individuality is and what they are holding out for.  Everyone wants someone around to share intimate moments with.  Same with love and life.  We all want prosperity.

I've learned or am learning the power of thought.  Where you are in life doesn't have to be the vision you see.  In fact, that's the thing we work towards.  The unseen.  I don't picture relationships being any different I suppose.  And when you are ready to be in something serious, your actions will model that.  I guess that's where I'm going with it.....in all aspects.  But you have to always wonder, if its something that hasn't been practiced...can it be implemented successfully?

When we were younger we learned to practice.  We learned to get better.  This was the confidence builder that pushed us to new levels.  From those small beginnings we learned the benefits of hard work and sacrifice.  Why for whatever reason we don't allow this life learning concept to pour over into other parts of our lives still baffles me.  More because I'm still in denial about my own self application.

But sitting here tonight it feels good to think again.  Wonder again.  Ask myself questions and allow myself to explore those answers through words.  I recently took a big leap of faith.  It was definitely a life altering moment.  But one that needed to be done and one I was in the position to do.  Even at the bottom you have to respect where you are.  When you open your eyes to that, you may realize you are in the best possible position.

OR NOT....

So as a single woman, there is more to my life than getting better so that I can add value to someone else's.  I'm busy adding value to myself so that I can provide myself with THE BEST options and not the I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE option.

My life definitely isn't flowing the way I pictured in my mind, but that's not to say that it isn't going according to God's plan.  Sometimes changing our focus in one area, can can change the outcome in all of the other ones.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA FEEL YOUR OWN SELF...

Until next time.....BE INSPIRED!

CONFESSIONS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.....I JUST LIVE HERE!!!

I have sat on this entry for like two weeks.  I hate when I do that.  No reason for the procrastination other than sometimes I just don't want to hit "publish".

THIS IS WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN.....HAPPY

THE MESSAGE

A person will be what you need them to be to get what they want.  That's the thing about the single life.  You have to realize that you aren't the only one that's single.  And single means different things to different people.

The best feeling in the world is understanding that people are just as screwed in the head as you. Some people put on a better front than others.

Some hide behind religion.

YOU BETTA GRAB AHOLD OF THAT SPIRIT NIECE!!!

Some hide behind material possessions.

BE DOING WAY TOO MUCH YO!

Some hide behind their kids.

REGARDLESS OF THE REASON, IT'S ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL THING

Half of the single world don't know what in the hell they want!  No matter the plan.  Most of us usually slip and fall into something....kind of serious....kind of real.....kind of consistent....kind of peaceful....kind of right.  Sometimes we slip and fall and get back up, some of us strike magic, and....well some of us slip, fall, and lay in it.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with either.  I mean we are human.  We do what we have to do for the moment.  And sometimes that moment spans throughout our eternity.  It is what it is.  No one should be faulted for attempting to make sense of the life we are given or the choices we make in an effort to be happy with our lives.  There is no rule book that we were obliged at birth, given to our parental units, and given to us at a mature age to help us govern through the remainder.

MY EXPERIENCE  

I would like to think of myself as a risk taker.  If I believe in something, I pursue it.  That's just how I'm wired.  It's apart of me.  Inside of me.  I mean look at me.  I've been to the best schools....and some of the not so best.  I'm college educated.  Intelligent.  Beautiful.  Come from an amazing family.....but I'm attracted to brokenness apparently...smh

I'm here admitting the shit about myself to the peepers that people don't even want to admit in the privacy of their own mind.  We pretend that we have ourselves all together and point the finger at the individual that actually admits that they are confused as a blind man going sight seeing.  I used to pretend.  Still do to a point....I think.  But some stuff I can no longer partake in.

Case in point.  When it comes to men, I attract what is broken in me.  I think in a sense we all do.   I'm a woman....therefore I am by definition a fixer....a nurturer....a creator. Men and women alike, manage to fix ourselves in a particular area, and we hope to pay it forward and award someone else that gift of freedom.  But the thing is everyone is in their own timing of life.  We can't walk into someone's life and offer them freedom, that to them is at a cost.  A cost of comfort.  A cost of surety.  A cost of knowing what the next day will be like....even if it is something disappointing.  There is comfort in all things.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS TYPE THAT MAKES ME SAY, "OK"

I've made a decision to not play fix it in anyone else's life.  I don't mind being who I was created to be and utilizing that gift to bless others.  But what I will no longer do is emotionally attach myself to something that I'm not equally yolked to on a hope and a dream.  Nothing like trying to find a silver lining in a storm cloud.

THE TRUTH AND THE CONCLUSION

Let's just be TOTALLY honest here.  People are happy where the hell they are at!  If and when they are ready to do something different, they themselves will put forth the effort.  I had to and still am learning that what I want out of this life may not be what another person wants.  I have to be okay with that.  Ladies you may have to face that man will never get a job.  He will never stop selling drugs.  He will never stop smoking weed.  He will never stop cheating on you.  Why....because he doesn't want to.  Has nothing to do with love, and what really needs to be understood is that his choices have absolutely nothing to do with YOU!!!

Let's face it, no one wants to admit they are broken....not even me.  No one wants to even go as far as admitting they have faults....let alone that those very faults are some of the things that we ourselves are attracted to.  Some of us want to fix that thing in others, hoping to somehow fix ourselves.  Others want to drown in it.

After reading this I'm concluding on this one that sometimes it's OKAY to lose dammit!  Better to suffer a loss, than win a fool!

Until next time.

CONFESSIONS: RE-EXAMINING MY PICKER...I THINK MY COMPASS WAS BROKE

One thing I have discovered about myself....I can not speak on that I have no experience in. I used to feel the need to hear my voice regarding every subject that seemed interesting.  Ask my friends....Whit ALWAYS has an opinion...lol.  But in light of wisdom, stupidity, ignorance, maturity, and the ever so famous quote, "Silence is GOLDEN"...I have learned to stfu and only part my lips with that which concerns me.  I try....Lord knows I do.

Its a hard thing for me to do of course.  Especially since I naturally have the need to get my point across (blame my daddy).  But as the experience with this blog has taught me, there are things that I should have no opinion on.

CASE IN POINT.....RELATIONSHIPS

I haven't been in a "real" relationship in almost 10 (yeah...count that) years.

I WAS PRACTICALLY A BABY...

Now I have had some prolonged situationships....that lasted way longer then they should have.

One of them I hid behind the whole "bestie" monarch.

We had a connection of course.  I mean what two human beings don't that have a sexual attraction. But I played that "bestie" card too often in my looking back and now I know better opinion.

He would hurt me and I would play the "bestie" card.  He would lie to me...slam that "bestie" card on the table.  He would put another woman before me...where the hell is that card?! SLAM! And this isn't me convincing him.  This is me convincing me in my mind that he really cared, that we had a purpose, that I mattered.  Crazy how we work so hard to convince ourselves something that is full of shit is real.

Now this ignorant state of mine went on and off.....on....and then off for almost 10 years.  There was a point in about year number 5 when I knew we weren't going to be together.  But he just felt so good.  I no longer cared about the other women and he no longer cared to lie to me about them.  He didn't even care to pretend that there was going to be his heart at the end of the dark hue'd rainbow.  Now of course at the time when I was ear deep in the bullshit, I actually thought this was growth! Lmaooo...I actually thought this was me growing into acceptance and him....well I never took the time to think what it meant to him.  I was a mainstay in his life and that's all I cared about.

I'LL JUST WAIT....TIL SHE LEAVES

He could call me with anything and I would listen.  He wanted me to come over....I literally dropped the Bible to get there.  I mean if he didn't call me when he was in need it would hurt my dayum feelings....smh.  Now catch this....the thing that finally pushed me to the "this is my stop on the merry-go-round" pimp ride was him promising my mother a bottle of wine (her fave) and not following through.  Now lie to me all you want.  Fill me up with disappointments and bullshit fairy tales.  Bless the world with your offspring from various women and lie with me and tell me they tricked you.  But don't embarrass me by spewing your venomous lies at my momma!  The ninja had to go!! The faucet of my love below finally went dry for him and I finally began to see him for what he really was in my life....nothing.

My other situationship was a bit more calculate on my behalf.  I was in the "off" period of the "bestie" at the time, and I needed someone to fill that void.  It was one of those moments as a woman where we try to be the guy in the situation.  I only ended up looking like the weakest bitch of all the weakest bitches.  I texted him, he would never text back.  I called him and he would hit ignore.  I would send him hour long text messages and he would respond with one word.  So pitiful.  So insecure.

SO EXPOSED

Now this guy had THE BEST sex I think....hell not think...he did have the best sex I'd ever had!  Forgive me momma and aunties and brother and cousins if you are reading this.  Now see at that time I was primarily sex driven.  From previous experiences I thought it was the key to a relationship. I really didn't think that anything else mattered or was more important than that.  After all, that's what I knew that all men wanted so if they got it and it was as great as it was between us....well....

Whatever wrong he did to me I let it slide right off.  No matter how hurt I was.  No matter how embarrassed I was.  No matter how much it proved that he had absolutely minimal respect for me, I held on strong.  I wanted to be with him.  I didn't pay attention to the obvious signs.  The fact that he was a single parent and I had no children and was more intimidated by kids then they were of me.  He had just gotten out of a seriously long term relationship that left him heartbroken and bitter.  He had his stuff together and I was still living paycheck to paycheck.  Falling behind in rent, bills, spending money on clothes and attempting to live like the Jones'...which I never succeeded at.  Not to mention he had/has a cougar on his team that had a plan.  And you cannot beat a woman with a plan.  I initially laughed at her.  She made so much effort to be in his corner.  But now....I get it.  She taught him the game....and well...I taught him the benefits of kagle exercises.  Go figure.

Sadly and fortunately I guess the "good sex" guy never fully committed to me.  He lied to me though.  Even went as far as to say he wanted me to be his wife one day. THAT is what I held on to for the next 3 years.  I kept telling myself that he wanted to marry me and eventually this would work out.  Even though he kept his life separate from mine, he cared less about things that were important to me, and the first and only time he said those three words was after the cougar and I had a knock down drag out fight in the residence that was in her name......lmaoooo....smh. Shame.

I walked away from both experiences not hating anyone.  I still have love for them both.  After all, I can't fault them for my ignorance.  They are however, held accountable for their deceit....but that is between them and their God.  Karma is a patient bitch and will grab ahold of their asses soon enough.  And for that I offer up prayers on their behalf.

So I conclude by saying...I know nothing about what it takes for a woman to be with the man she wants.  I'm my own experiment and I have failed miserable in my past (hence why these legs remain closed).  But what I can tell you is how to wait.  How to be single.  How to do things that cause you to fall more in love with yourself.  How when you fall down and get disappointed, how to get yourself back on track and keep it pushing.  That's what I'm about.....uplifting women...and men if need be.

The next installment of this blog is about me...and my past...my experiences and what I've learned from them.  Hopefully I can catch someone living in my past days as their present and cause them to LET IT GO or maybe hold themselves to a higher standard than I held myself.

Life is a lesson.  You can either learn from someone else's or experiences the pitfalls on your own.

Until we meet again.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY....THE ART OF LETTING GO - REVISITED TIL I GET THIS ISH RIGHT!!!!

I swear life is a song.  So let me start from the beginning.....of this blog.  Because my mind is at the middle.  I've had a wild experience this go round of singledom.  One that has left me tipsy....confused....inspired.....excited....MIXED UP!

What do you call something that moves fast, forces you to move slowly, consistently, and thoughtfully, AND has no repeats????  Answer:  LIFE.

People always tell me that life is too short.  And thinking back last night when me and my girls were listening to what would now be considered "old skool", vividly recalling where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with....life happens in the blink of an eye.  For a moment being able to breathe in the summer air as a child and feel the heat of the sun on our necks.  It felt like just the other day.  But we look up and it was over 20 years ago.  A hard pill to swallow, but still a pleasurable effect because you realize you have memories....and although you can't get them back, you can always go to them and get that feeling.  Life is short.....but moments can seem like forever.

LIFE IS BUT A DREAM......LOVE YOU DADDY

In my last few entries or maybe even the last one.  I'm too tipsy really to go into the archives and do the research but....lol...I said something about in order to move forward, you have to let go of the good experiences as well as the bad to really assess where you are in this life thang.

I'm losing you...hold on...putting it in relationship status....in relationships....ANY relationship it is the GOOD experiences that keep us afloat....keeps us hopeful and alive.  And although a great thing, sometimes it can cloud the reality of......nothing.

MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL

GOOD EXPERIENCES can stretch a relationship that should have ended at two months to two years. I learned I can hold on to what used to be, how it used to be, to the point that I don't even see that I am nothing less than an addict chasing that first high.  Companionship (I won't say love) is my drug of choice, but a high just the same.

BAD EXPERIENCES...well we know how these things can go.  Bad experiences cause you to marinate on the hurt.  I would elaborate on hurt but when I sit and think about it EVERYTHING HURTS!  Everything comes from hurt....but crazy is the thing that rested in me that I pulled from bad experiences is my lack of responsibility in it.  Focusing on his fuck ups and not my own.  Focusing on his games and not the ones I play.

WHO AM I?

I can't change how things turn out, but I can change my perception of it.  I can allow a moment to change me or continue to be who I am in spite of what the moment brings me.  Just because something doesn't turn out how I may plan doesn't mean it won't turn out how its supposed to....and that is...well hell its disappointing shit...BUT its life and I can't continue to fight it.

There is no glory in being the victim!  There is no glory in sympathy likes or basing my feminism off the carcasses of men I've emasculated in an attempt to fill whatever emotional void the other man left.  There is no reward in hate.....just it...there is no reward.  Hate will travel with you and will become you.  Bitterness can comfort you just as good as a great rim filled glass of merlot.

I can't display hatred towards an individual that played such an enormous part in, what at this moment, is the present part of my life.  Even though in a moment it will be a blink of an eye.  I can't hate someone for having the same hang ups, the same insecurities, the same self destructive habits, and the same "right to have options" mentality, that has comforted me and, let me tell it, protected me thus far.

WRAPPING IT UP

T.D. Jakes wrote something called the Power of Goodbye years ago....and every time I come to a moment that I question, that passage comes right back to me.  It has meant something different to me at different times...but today it simply means LETTING GO of the option to be hurt.  I choose to accept.  I choose to live in the present.

And the present.....ain't working for ya girl.  Whatever made me smile before has dissipated in the now of things.  What was once a reality is now a memory.  Ya gotta know when to hold and know when to fold.  I FOLD!!

Keep it classy....keep it cute....keep it happy!!  Until next time folks.....

Liberated Nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: I'M HAPPY.....A LADY TOO....AND MEN ARE SENSITIVE!! WHO KNEW??!!

I've been battling this blog for weeks now.  Trying to find something that sticks.  Something that keeps my attention.  Because if it doesn't keep me, it for dayum sure isn't going to keep you.

I sit here on the anniversary of the day my grandmother was taken away from me, thinking how beautiful death can be.  I know some are reading this and I'm losing them in the shuffle of beautiful and death.  But stick with me.

When seen with the proper optical lenses, death brings life!  You realize how precious life is.  You appreciate life more.  The motivation that was already in you suddenly increases and sets you in motion to live your life to the fullest.  And every year, her death is a reminder to me that life is short, life is unfair, life is hard, but life is WORTH IT!!!

THE MOMENT OF CLARITY

So with that....this will be the first time that I say that I'M HAPPY with me!!!  Not because I have a man, or because I have the career I want, or because I'm driving the car I dreamed of (a smoke gray Range Rover with peanut butter interior if anyone wants to hook ya girl up), or even because I'm living how I want to live...but because I'm simply happy with who I am.

No matter what our mouths tend to say when we have an audience to show up for, how we treat ourselves is the true tell tell of how we really think of ourselves.  It's not about what you have more than what you do with what you have and what you do to get what you want!

THE EXPLANATION

My manager at work said something to me that stuck.  In the simplest of terms she broke down what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a lady.  We were talking about ALLOWING men to open doors for us at work and how we felt obligated to speed up our walk or grab a door if a man held a door open patiently for us to walk through.  I admitted....if a man opened a door for me, I would sometimes touch it.  I'm assuming a subliminal form of independence.  But she simply stated that we are women all of the time...never turn down the opportunity to be a lady.

A WOMAN VS. A LADY

We are born as women and raised as women, but we are taught to be ladies.  Some by our fathers or other male figures who love they momma.  Some by our mothers who know the value in the concept. Then life happens to us and the idea or the time for being a lady dissipates.  We learn to harness our pain and disappointments instead of letting them go.  We continue the cycle of choosing not so good fish because we are less guided by our natural instincts and guided more by circumstance and tainted emotion.

THE TEA

That leads me to the question:

As a Single Woman In Her 30s....Can I Really Recognize a Good Man?

In my previous blog I talked about the one coming and him not being what you planned.  You two not meeting where you planned.  And I realized that the stipulations we create are what we are comfortable with.  Our stipulations give us the green light...the okay to like this person.  To push forward into something.

Wolves come in all forms of sheep clothing and ain't shit individuals <<< ebonics, can be at the dayum coffee shop!  They can dress exactly how I want them too, talk like I want, have the career I expected, the credit score I dreamed he had, the boss status, the living quarters....he can make me put a huge check mark on my ideal man list!!!

I'M SO CONFUSED JESUS.....HOW COULD THIS BE A NO?!

But he can still be the same thing I've always attracted...because I'm still the same me!  I'm still the same closed off, I can do it by myself, emotionally detached because it's for the best, I'm in total control ass WOMAN!!! Looking good on paper and selfies but my wounded heart is patched up with diverted moments of independence.

THE CONCLUSION

I learned that men are just as sensitive as women.  I learned that men need reassurance, have insecurities, and have trust issues just like women do!  Men harness experiences just like we do.  They have their standards too.

The truth is.....perception is reality.  I didn't want to accept that concept, but that's why first impressions are so prevalent.  Being aware of the energy I release dictates what comes my way.  Simply put, how can I demand something I myself don't exude?  HAPPINESS.

A choice to not be affected by the turbulence of life.....HAPPINESS...the choice to focus more on the highs and learn lessons from the lows...HAPPINESS...letting go of....fear.....HAPPINESS...

Be Blessed.

Liberated nation.