The Celibacy Rules Chronicles: Tales of a Single Black Woman......THE THOT BOX: TO CLOSE OR NOT TO CLOSE MY LEGS....THAT IS THE QUESTION

Hello friendly firing readers and fonters of the social world.  What a weekend.  Late Saturday night, early Sunday morning our world, and I say world because an injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere  (MLK), experienced yet another form of prejudice induced hatred.  Not to mention my hometown of Tulsa, OK experienced a tragedy in itself  this month almost a century ago (which we still have yet to get an apology, reprimand...anything from but I'm not here for the history lesson so)...

THEY SILENCE YOU TIL YOU NO LONGER HAVE A VOICE TO SPEAK...R.I.P

Its so sad that in this melting pot of a world, in 2016, that we still suffer with prejudices.  Whether it be skin color, sexual preference, religious beliefs, political views, or simply because of one's sexual anatomy.  All of these advancements in technology, science, ways to make money, ways to connect the world, hell we can rebuild a dayum <<<< ebonic for "damn" heart, but we can't seem to get the heart together that God gave us.  Praying for all the people and all of the animals that have lost their lives.  Yes, animal lives do matter (._.) <<<my serious face.  Praying for the energy of this world. Negative energy begets negative energy.

With that being said, TO CLOSE OR NOT CLOSE MY LEGS...THAT IS THE QUESTION.  Forgive me, I'm feeling a bit Shakespearean today.  This is a serious issue that I've struggled with for a while.  Let me tell you where my struggle lies:

As a Christian, there is no ding ding without the wedding ring.  Those are the rules we are set to follow.  Other belief systems have a similar requirement of sex.  Usually in most cases, however, the woman is considered to be defiled, where the man is not quite held as accountable.  Actually in some cases, a man can have more than one wife should he so choose.  Which to me is pretty messed up because a man can get his rocks off with a different woman errnight <<<ebonics for every night.  And a woman is required to take the sloppy toppy seconds and thirds.

MOOD

So as a woman, a Christian woman, I battle with that.  The requirements of a woman.  But I understand we all have gender roles according to our sexual anatomy and amounts of estrogen and testosterone.  I get it.  Hence the title of this blog.  I wanted to follow the rules.  I still do, but for different reasons now....which brings me to....

Worth.  As a feminist, I believe that respect should be distributed evenly across the board.  And one (men and some women too) shouldn't set expectations for another person they themselves have no intention of living up to.  With that being said, I am not here for the men can do it and women can't movement.  It just doesn't register well with me at all.  As I've said on numerous occasions throughout this blog process and in real life, women have the same sexual appetite as men.  It took me a while as a female to understand that and then as a woman to embrace that it was okay to want sex for my own personal gratification.  Its a very powerful thing.

YAAAAAS NIECE

But I do understand the power in what I have.  I do understand that as liberating as it feels to get one off and send him down that walk of shame, I also must understand that I am giving something very precious away to someone that didn't show any type of worthiness to receive it.  That with every stroke I am receiving in a spirit of an unlikely stranger.  I understand it goes deeper than the sexual act, but has everything to do with the act if that makes any sense.

What I'm saying is...I GET IT.  And if I hold my worth at a certain level, why would I not require another person to hold not only my worth but their own worth in a similar manner.

So to answer the Shakespearean posed question, I choose to keep my legs closed.  Not because of my Christian beliefs (which should be enough) and not because I'm on some ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN movement.  But because I'm worth more than my own sexual liberation.  I'm worth more than a tradition that is never questioned nor expounded on.  I'm worth more than a netflix and chill dammit....lol.  But there are levels to this shit.  Embrace your own journey.  Learn from it and accept when that way of thinking no longer feeds you.  Learn to change and grow.  Love yourself.

Liberated.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE OTHER GIRLS......JUST BE GOOD TO ME!!

How you doin?  *in my Wendy Williams voice*.  I saw this meme, I won't say it was an article, because that would make it factual, and making it factual would mean there is a level of truth to it.  And because we are in the cut/paste era of the internet, I'm just going to call it as I saw it....a meme (meem, mim, mee mee....whatever your verbal palette prefers).

Anyway the meme was a picture of Deray Davis and two very attractive women.  Below the picture it says SALTUE to Deray Davis who is photographed with BOTH of his girlfriends.  Deray decided that he didn't want to cheat on neither woman nor leave neither woman, so he decided to be honest.

He has reported that the relationship is going GREAT and he does plan on wifing both women.

*BLINKS SLOW*

I posted this meme on my fb page and I got somewhat mixed reviews.  And not in the way one would think.  People understood the notion of polygamy, but most expressed they wouldn't be able to handle it.  Whether it be for emotional, financial, or mental stability reasons.  One person even said that it would take a very strong woman to be in something like this.  In my mind, I thought it wasn't a question of weak or strong but of provision and emotional neediness.  But I'm not here for the debate of polygamy.  At the end of the day, I believe you do what works for you.  If openly sharing a man works for you then by all means wait your turn.

THE CELIBATE BUS HAS ARRIVED

I can't say that is my cup of tea.  But then I have to stop myself and wonder......if my needs are being met, then would I really mind?  Is it possible for a man to share himself with multiple women and have the mental and spiritual strength to feed her non-physical needs and not to mention the viagra/cialis prescription to meet the physical?  Because I don't know how every other woman rocks, but my sexual appetite has only INCREASED <<< all caps and in bold.

But then I got to thinking.  Stepping out of the conventional box that we have been raised in, what's wrong with being happy?  At the end of the day that is what we all strive to be, and happiness is unique to each individual.  If the man I am involved with, notice I didn't hold claim to him nor did I give my own self a title, gives me everything I need (spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) then am I wrong for staying around if he sleeps with other women besides me?  What if I don't care if he does?  How does that song go, "Friends are always telling me, you're a user...I don't care what about those other girls, just be good to me...ooooooooh" ~s.o.s

I've heard the question posed many times, Do All Men Cheat?  And most of the answers are, you guessed it, YES!  But that is a big monkey to put on men as a whole.  I would like to think that all men have a little dog in them, that its just in their DNA, that in biblical times or before electricity was introduced that men practiced polygamy as a culture.  And a lot of cultures still practice this custom today.  I would like to ride with men just can't help it.  But then I meet that diamond in the rough.  That loves his wife unconditionally and would do everything to keep her happy.

THEY LUH GOD!!

And then the popular answer would be null and void.  Then this falsified scientific analysis proves to be just what it sounds like....an excuse...and a load of bullshit.  Do I think its disloyal for a man to sleep with multiple women?  Not if all parties know.  Do I think its stupid for a woman to be sexually loyal to a man that sleeps with multiple women?  Not at all.  If she's happy.  And I mean truly happy.  Not happy like waiting for him to get the hint and come to his senses, but happy at her own terms. Whether the tide turns her way or not.   Besides, not every woman sleeps around.  Some women are loyal to that one dinkle and will literally ride it out!

In conclusion, before this epidemic becomes a false religious spectacle and men start feeding women the line about WWJD and taking it back to the old school.....stop and think ladies how will it benefit YOU?  In this time, unlike the other, we now have options as women.  We don't have to be bought and sold like property.  We no longer have to marry into provision (when in fact that is what they were doing) women now create provision.  We don't have to be miserable!!  What are you getting out of the deal?

If a man wants to share his dick and expects you not to share your lockbox, what kind of guarantee is he putting in place?  What kind of payment plan do you have him on?  You can't give him the key to your sacred place for free just because he has good dinkle, he's nice looking, appears to have money, appears to be a good catch....no ma'am.  If he's such a good catch require him to pay like he prefers to lay, and he prefers you to cook, and rub his back,  and stroke that ego of his.  Its your boat!  Make sure you are the captain and not a crew mate!

FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE

SEX AND THE CITY CHRONICLES....TALES OF A SINGLE BLACK WOMAN: DETOX...

Wow.  It has been almost eight months since I last made a post.  I've gone through a few life transitions.  ALL GOOD in the grand scheme of things.  And that's all that matters anyway right?!  Not how you start the race, but how you end that mutha mutha!

I've learned that sometimes you can't PUSH THROUGH...sometimes you have to just BE STILL and let what moment is be that moment.  Live in the moment and stop trying to take notes.  Don't follow the rules, let the universe make the call.  Respect your process.  Respect your season.  Every season isn't meant for forward motion.  Sometimes progression is found in doing nothing.  The universe and its magnetic pull is real and its powerful.  And if you allow yourself to be still and patient and listen to your flow of life, you will know when to stop and when to go.  Notice I said YOUR FLOW OF LIFE....you can't...I REPEAT...you cannot base your progression off of someone else's.

Like a video game.  There are levels to this shit.  

THE RIGHT MOMENT IS COMING...JUST BE PATIENT

And there are obstacles along the way.  Sometimes you have to stop moving and let the trouble pass....or stop moving and let the trouble come to you and see how to  maneuver around it or climb over it.  That's that thing called PATIENCE that we as humans hate!  I really think its an overall human thing and not an individual.  I think we have to learn the concept of patience....and we are either going to learn it willingly or not so willingly.  Some never learn it, and we usually see the remains of their lives spread out sporadically when we view the visuals of their journey.

I say all of that to say, I had to fall back.  

BYE BYE KITTY....

Stop giving advice and start actually living the advice.  Stop giving a play by play of my thought process and develop a new way of thinking.  I was in a bad place and its hard to give sound advice, be witty and charming, and find the humor when ain't <<< yeah I used the ebonic term nothing funny about your current situation.  In the words of the great Forrest Gump.....IT HAPPENS!

SHIT! HOW DID I GET HERE?

So I'm here today beginning a 10 day detox......BOOOOOOOO!  I'm here today to start having fun again.......YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!  I've grown a little and my mind has been altered a smidge.  Not in a total conventional way but a way that forces people to look at other individuals as human beings and not the answer to their prayers.  And maybe for me one day this concept will soon change when I enter into another phase of my journey....but today this is where I'm at.  And its not such a bad place to be.

Nothing like enjoying what you do and where you are.  It costs nothing to smile.   Make it all beautiful!!!

#AreBlackWomenTrending

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: NO ONE LIKES SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and I told her that OUR problem is that we try and put God in a box.  We limit ourselves, thereby limiting Him.  We were talking about work, relationships, well hell...just life.  It's definitely what you make it.

I've been going through some crazy transitions.  Transitions that are very necessary.  Learning about yourself is so archaic.  Knowing what your limitations are in key details of your everyday, your life.....its constantly renewing.  I had to take a step back and learn to re-learn, re-appreciate, re-enjoy, re-love.  If we don't stay growing, our natural human instinct is to adapt and remain comfortable.

DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THIS AGE TO  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Its comforting having a plan.  Its motivating seeing that plan turn into action. But the "oh what to do when your waiting" scenari-woes.  And I'm not just talking relationships.  I'm talking about whatever is pushing you in a corner and forcing you to find another way out.  Forcing you to weather the storm, find an alternate solution, and overcome your fears.  That's change.  Anyhoo...I'm not here to preach or go through some Iyanla moment.  There is way more to a single woman than waiting on a SINGLE man!  We busy too cuh!!

DIRTY JOB....BUT SOMEBODY GOTTA DO IT!

I know it seems according to our social networking vents that single women are sitting around waiting on the right man to drop out the sky or that he's even one of our top five on our 10-year plan.  That's not totally the case.  Lets not confuse it.  No one wants to be in this world alone for sure.  I don't care who the individual fighting for individuality is and what they are holding out for.  Everyone wants someone around to share intimate moments with.  Same with love and life.  We all want prosperity.

I've learned or am learning the power of thought.  Where you are in life doesn't have to be the vision you see.  In fact, that's the thing we work towards.  The unseen.  I don't picture relationships being any different I suppose.  And when you are ready to be in something serious, your actions will model that.  I guess that's where I'm going with it.....in all aspects.  But you have to always wonder, if its something that hasn't been practiced...can it be implemented successfully?

When we were younger we learned to practice.  We learned to get better.  This was the confidence builder that pushed us to new levels.  From those small beginnings we learned the benefits of hard work and sacrifice.  Why for whatever reason we don't allow this life learning concept to pour over into other parts of our lives still baffles me.  More because I'm still in denial about my own self application.

But sitting here tonight it feels good to think again.  Wonder again.  Ask myself questions and allow myself to explore those answers through words.  I recently took a big leap of faith.  It was definitely a life altering moment.  But one that needed to be done and one I was in the position to do.  Even at the bottom you have to respect where you are.  When you open your eyes to that, you may realize you are in the best possible position.

OR NOT....

So as a single woman, there is more to my life than getting better so that I can add value to someone else's.  I'm busy adding value to myself so that I can provide myself with THE BEST options and not the I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE option.

My life definitely isn't flowing the way I pictured in my mind, but that's not to say that it isn't going according to God's plan.  Sometimes changing our focus in one area, can can change the outcome in all of the other ones.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA FEEL YOUR OWN SELF...

Until next time.....BE INSPIRED!

CONFESSIONS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.....I JUST LIVE HERE!!!

I have sat on this entry for like two weeks.  I hate when I do that.  No reason for the procrastination other than sometimes I just don't want to hit "publish".

THIS IS WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN.....HAPPY

THE MESSAGE

A person will be what you need them to be to get what they want.  That's the thing about the single life.  You have to realize that you aren't the only one that's single.  And single means different things to different people.

The best feeling in the world is understanding that people are just as screwed in the head as you. Some people put on a better front than others.

Some hide behind religion.

YOU BETTA GRAB AHOLD OF THAT SPIRIT NIECE!!!

Some hide behind material possessions.

BE DOING WAY TOO MUCH YO!

Some hide behind their kids.

REGARDLESS OF THE REASON, IT'S ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL THING

Half of the single world don't know what in the hell they want!  No matter the plan.  Most of us usually slip and fall into something....kind of serious....kind of real.....kind of consistent....kind of peaceful....kind of right.  Sometimes we slip and fall and get back up, some of us strike magic, and....well some of us slip, fall, and lay in it.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with either.  I mean we are human.  We do what we have to do for the moment.  And sometimes that moment spans throughout our eternity.  It is what it is.  No one should be faulted for attempting to make sense of the life we are given or the choices we make in an effort to be happy with our lives.  There is no rule book that we were obliged at birth, given to our parental units, and given to us at a mature age to help us govern through the remainder.

MY EXPERIENCE  

I would like to think of myself as a risk taker.  If I believe in something, I pursue it.  That's just how I'm wired.  It's apart of me.  Inside of me.  I mean look at me.  I've been to the best schools....and some of the not so best.  I'm college educated.  Intelligent.  Beautiful.  Come from an amazing family.....but I'm attracted to brokenness apparently...smh

I'm here admitting the shit about myself to the peepers that people don't even want to admit in the privacy of their own mind.  We pretend that we have ourselves all together and point the finger at the individual that actually admits that they are confused as a blind man going sight seeing.  I used to pretend.  Still do to a point....I think.  But some stuff I can no longer partake in.

Case in point.  When it comes to men, I attract what is broken in me.  I think in a sense we all do.   I'm a woman....therefore I am by definition a fixer....a nurturer....a creator. Men and women alike, manage to fix ourselves in a particular area, and we hope to pay it forward and award someone else that gift of freedom.  But the thing is everyone is in their own timing of life.  We can't walk into someone's life and offer them freedom, that to them is at a cost.  A cost of comfort.  A cost of surety.  A cost of knowing what the next day will be like....even if it is something disappointing.  There is comfort in all things.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS TYPE THAT MAKES ME SAY, "OK"

I've made a decision to not play fix it in anyone else's life.  I don't mind being who I was created to be and utilizing that gift to bless others.  But what I will no longer do is emotionally attach myself to something that I'm not equally yolked to on a hope and a dream.  Nothing like trying to find a silver lining in a storm cloud.

THE TRUTH AND THE CONCLUSION

Let's just be TOTALLY honest here.  People are happy where the hell they are at!  If and when they are ready to do something different, they themselves will put forth the effort.  I had to and still am learning that what I want out of this life may not be what another person wants.  I have to be okay with that.  Ladies you may have to face that man will never get a job.  He will never stop selling drugs.  He will never stop smoking weed.  He will never stop cheating on you.  Why....because he doesn't want to.  Has nothing to do with love, and what really needs to be understood is that his choices have absolutely nothing to do with YOU!!!

Let's face it, no one wants to admit they are broken....not even me.  No one wants to even go as far as admitting they have faults....let alone that those very faults are some of the things that we ourselves are attracted to.  Some of us want to fix that thing in others, hoping to somehow fix ourselves.  Others want to drown in it.

After reading this I'm concluding on this one that sometimes it's OKAY to lose dammit!  Better to suffer a loss, than win a fool!

Until next time.

CONFESSIONS: RE-EXAMINING MY PICKER...I THINK MY COMPASS WAS BROKE

One thing I have discovered about myself....I can not speak on that I have no experience in. I used to feel the need to hear my voice regarding every subject that seemed interesting.  Ask my friends....Whit ALWAYS has an opinion...lol.  But in light of wisdom, stupidity, ignorance, maturity, and the ever so famous quote, "Silence is GOLDEN"...I have learned to stfu and only part my lips with that which concerns me.  I try....Lord knows I do.

Its a hard thing for me to do of course.  Especially since I naturally have the need to get my point across (blame my daddy).  But as the experience with this blog has taught me, there are things that I should have no opinion on.

CASE IN POINT.....RELATIONSHIPS

I haven't been in a "real" relationship in almost 10 (yeah...count that) years.

I WAS PRACTICALLY A BABY...

Now I have had some prolonged situationships....that lasted way longer then they should have.

One of them I hid behind the whole "bestie" monarch.

We had a connection of course.  I mean what two human beings don't that have a sexual attraction. But I played that "bestie" card too often in my looking back and now I know better opinion.

He would hurt me and I would play the "bestie" card.  He would lie to me...slam that "bestie" card on the table.  He would put another woman before me...where the hell is that card?! SLAM! And this isn't me convincing him.  This is me convincing me in my mind that he really cared, that we had a purpose, that I mattered.  Crazy how we work so hard to convince ourselves something that is full of shit is real.

Now this ignorant state of mine went on and off.....on....and then off for almost 10 years.  There was a point in about year number 5 when I knew we weren't going to be together.  But he just felt so good.  I no longer cared about the other women and he no longer cared to lie to me about them.  He didn't even care to pretend that there was going to be his heart at the end of the dark hue'd rainbow.  Now of course at the time when I was ear deep in the bullshit, I actually thought this was growth! Lmaooo...I actually thought this was me growing into acceptance and him....well I never took the time to think what it meant to him.  I was a mainstay in his life and that's all I cared about.

I'LL JUST WAIT....TIL SHE LEAVES

He could call me with anything and I would listen.  He wanted me to come over....I literally dropped the Bible to get there.  I mean if he didn't call me when he was in need it would hurt my dayum feelings....smh.  Now catch this....the thing that finally pushed me to the "this is my stop on the merry-go-round" pimp ride was him promising my mother a bottle of wine (her fave) and not following through.  Now lie to me all you want.  Fill me up with disappointments and bullshit fairy tales.  Bless the world with your offspring from various women and lie with me and tell me they tricked you.  But don't embarrass me by spewing your venomous lies at my momma!  The ninja had to go!! The faucet of my love below finally went dry for him and I finally began to see him for what he really was in my life....nothing.

My other situationship was a bit more calculate on my behalf.  I was in the "off" period of the "bestie" at the time, and I needed someone to fill that void.  It was one of those moments as a woman where we try to be the guy in the situation.  I only ended up looking like the weakest bitch of all the weakest bitches.  I texted him, he would never text back.  I called him and he would hit ignore.  I would send him hour long text messages and he would respond with one word.  So pitiful.  So insecure.

SO EXPOSED

Now this guy had THE BEST sex I think....hell not think...he did have the best sex I'd ever had!  Forgive me momma and aunties and brother and cousins if you are reading this.  Now see at that time I was primarily sex driven.  From previous experiences I thought it was the key to a relationship. I really didn't think that anything else mattered or was more important than that.  After all, that's what I knew that all men wanted so if they got it and it was as great as it was between us....well....

Whatever wrong he did to me I let it slide right off.  No matter how hurt I was.  No matter how embarrassed I was.  No matter how much it proved that he had absolutely minimal respect for me, I held on strong.  I wanted to be with him.  I didn't pay attention to the obvious signs.  The fact that he was a single parent and I had no children and was more intimidated by kids then they were of me.  He had just gotten out of a seriously long term relationship that left him heartbroken and bitter.  He had his stuff together and I was still living paycheck to paycheck.  Falling behind in rent, bills, spending money on clothes and attempting to live like the Jones'...which I never succeeded at.  Not to mention he had/has a cougar on his team that had a plan.  And you cannot beat a woman with a plan.  I initially laughed at her.  She made so much effort to be in his corner.  But now....I get it.  She taught him the game....and well...I taught him the benefits of kagle exercises.  Go figure.

Sadly and fortunately I guess the "good sex" guy never fully committed to me.  He lied to me though.  Even went as far as to say he wanted me to be his wife one day. THAT is what I held on to for the next 3 years.  I kept telling myself that he wanted to marry me and eventually this would work out.  Even though he kept his life separate from mine, he cared less about things that were important to me, and the first and only time he said those three words was after the cougar and I had a knock down drag out fight in the residence that was in her name......lmaoooo....smh. Shame.

I walked away from both experiences not hating anyone.  I still have love for them both.  After all, I can't fault them for my ignorance.  They are however, held accountable for their deceit....but that is between them and their God.  Karma is a patient bitch and will grab ahold of their asses soon enough.  And for that I offer up prayers on their behalf.

So I conclude by saying...I know nothing about what it takes for a woman to be with the man she wants.  I'm my own experiment and I have failed miserable in my past (hence why these legs remain closed).  But what I can tell you is how to wait.  How to be single.  How to do things that cause you to fall more in love with yourself.  How when you fall down and get disappointed, how to get yourself back on track and keep it pushing.  That's what I'm about.....uplifting women...and men if need be.

The next installment of this blog is about me...and my past...my experiences and what I've learned from them.  Hopefully I can catch someone living in my past days as their present and cause them to LET IT GO or maybe hold themselves to a higher standard than I held myself.

Life is a lesson.  You can either learn from someone else's or experiences the pitfalls on your own.

Until we meet again.