SOMETIMES THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH TORTILLA CHIPS...WHERE'S A LEATHER COUCH WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Sitting in this restaurant enjoying the free Wi-Fi and decent food.  I'm attempting to enjoy this beautiful Friday and welcome the weekend with smiles, shots, and fist pumps.  But I have to admit that today has definitely been a challenge for me.  Weirdly I've been feeling like I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone.   Nothing that I am trying is seeming to work out for me at the present moment.

TRAPPED IN BETWEEN A HUGE ASS WHITE MAN AND A HARD PLACE...

Quitting has definitely been one of my TOP FIVE options.  Not even going to lie.  But usually my rebuttal for that option is that if I do quit, I have nowhere to go and feel sorry for myself.  So like every day before the other day and before that, I pick myself up by my ankles, thank God for breath and opportunity, and I push forward and boldly face whatever lies ahead with a smile on my face.  Here lately it's been rejection.

It's a rough world out there folks.  Especially when you do it alone.  It's even harder when people don't/can't relate to what you and your God have discussed in private.  And during the "testing" period, God makes you look like a total fool every time.  I guess that's the challenge in trusting HIM and not listening to the outside chitter chatter.  I can definitely see how one could lose family and friends during this process.  You either ruin it being needy as all get out or you find out how they truly feel about you and your dumb ass ambitions.

That is one of the reasons I took a leave of absence from social networking.  Because sometimes I just don't want to fake the funk.  And I don't want my 500+ social network friends faking the funk with me!  I don't want to be positive sometimes.  Sometimes I want to tell the truth about how I really feel.  I FEEL LIKE SHIT!

My smile most days comes after an hour long prayer session, all of my bills are past due, my relationship with my best friend (my momma) is on the fritz, and every month end my stomach begins to flip because I just don't know how my rent is going to get taken care of!  There I said it!  I'm tired of hiding behind smiles and God is goods.  The raw truth is, I don't know if this was the right decision because my reality is saying that it isn't.  But God in his still voice says that it was.  So I have to trust that because that's who I choose to believe in!

I can't/won't even think about a relationship at this point.  Dating or anything.  A man isn't even a priority right now.  The thought of one approaching me just dries me up!  Like seriously why would he want to be with a woman that doesn't have a job and can't pay her bills.  Hell I'm turning my own dayum self off right now so the fact that they still approach me knowing this let's me know they aren't thinking with their brains but with their dinkles.  I guess being broke has it's advantages.  You can definitely see through the b.s.

MEN ALWAYS THINK GIVING US THE DINKLE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT...

Then when you are as broke as I am, it opens the door for "settling".  I found myself almost getting involved in a situation that due to past experience I am all too familiar with. I was seriously considering *clears throat* playing the sister wife role.  *hangs head in shame*.  I was so thirsty for affection that I was willing to wait my daggone turn.

Being broke is teaching me that it's okay to have standard.  And sometimes that standard means sitting and eating at the table alone.  It's not even about finances most times.  It's about how you see yourself.  It's okay to be broke, lose everything, and be single in the process.  You don't have to allow your circumstances to dictate what you will put up with and who you invite into your atmosphere.  I've been thinking on this saying all week, "He who has the money, holds the power."  I wondered why that kept popping up in my head, but then it all made sense when I was approached by someone that had the power to get me out of my current situation. I made a decision that his money didn't have power over my dignity.

It's okay to think you are better than someone and their options they present to you.  I didn't make the choices that I made in life so that I could allow any ol Joe Blow to come in and put his feet up on my good table.  Even at your lowest point, you still have the option to decide who you let in and who you let stay in.  I have $20 in the bank.  I am going to sleep peacefully tonight feeling like a regular human being and then tomorrow that money will disappear because I need toilet paper and toothpaste.  But through it all I will have my peace of mind and my dignity.

AND BEN & JERRY'S

Keep it cute folks!  Depending on my mood ring, I will be back to my sexy and fun world next week. Thanks for rocking with ya girl!!!

Until next time!!

INTERMISSION....THERAPY IS NOW IN SESSION! GROUP HUGS ARE WELCOMED!!!

Greetings and salutations all!  I have been sitting here trying to think of something witty to say.  Ya know....a good opener.  I can't....not today.  Actually this blog, I am going to take a break from my DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY chapter and just vent.  Can I do that today?  Can I talk it out with you gals n guys about what's been going on in Whit's world?

First off, I still do not have a J.O.B!!!  I tell ya one thing, struggling finances is a hard thing to overlook.  It's like the big ass pink elephant in the room.  EVERY room.  Lack of funds has definitely put a hold on dreams, aspirations, smiles, hi fives, and is really starting to wear on my positive, happy go lucky, optimistic frame of thinking.  Honestly, I'm to the point in the job search where I've stopped looking (don't tell anybody).  I'm beginning to totally relate to the "phcuk it" attitude of these panhandlers!  Everyday it gets easier and easier to sleep in and it gets harder and harder to smile through the bs.

But I tell ya what has changed.  I have NO PROBLEM asking a man for a coin, let me tell you!  Oh you want to be with me you say????  What you got on these lights, this car note, this rent, this phone bill, these groceries?????  Most of them I have chased off, but hey....lol....I don't have time!  I've never been one to ask a man for anything, but now a days pride has definitely been shoved off the cliff....dayum being pushed to the side!  It's a very humbling experience.  One that I wish only on my enemies (only on paper...not in real life).

Being broke puts things into perspective.  Especially relationships.  You begin to see people from the bottom looking up instead of as an equal (or that's how I see it in my mind).  Because now, you are in need of EVERYTHING and you find yourself being grateful for ANYTHING.  Even the scraps.  I find myself thanking Jesus because I got a quarter tank of gas or nobody wanted that last wing on the plate!  Being in this place has even ruined some relationships for me!  Because when you are standing at the bottom and are looking up, you really get a chance to see who cares and who's doing it for the vine.

DO IT FOR THE VINE....HE AIN'T GON' DO IT!!!!  HE DID THAT!! LOL

You definitely find out who the space fillers are in your life.  Some people are literally "just there".  When I had a check every two weeks, I used to give those folks purpose in my life.  Even though they had none. After this experience, if they have used love and me in the same sentence, but didn't take advantage of this opportunity to display said love, then they are a waste of space and their clothes are on the curb!

It's not always about money or things.  Sometimes its about the "just because" you are important to me.  Just because I care about your well being.  Just because I want to make you laugh.  Or my all time favorite, just because I can and I want to for you!  And oddly so it's been people that I never even fathomed giving a dayum that are apart of my everything right now!  You can always tell who's praying for you  and those are the people you want in your circle.

Life is definitely in perspective.  Never have I ever wanted a paycheck so bad Jesus.  Yes I HATE corporate America, but dammit if I don't love that paycheck....lol.  I've learned some great things about myself.  Like numero one....I AM NOT A HUSTLER!  I'm not even talking illegally...I'm talking all legal....lol...I couldn't sell a umbrella in the rain jack!  And I'm totally fine with that now.  I thought that I needed to unlock the gene in me or something because my brothers are amazing at making that dollah, but ummmmm....no ma'am!  I'm amazing at getting up and going to work!  A girlfriend of mine had to put that into perspective for me.

DAYUM DOG DOING BETTER THAN ME....SMH

Another thing I've learned is to NOT QUIT and NEVER CEASE TO PRAY!!! God has really shown up and out for me during this time.  Am I out of the hole....hell naw....didn't you hear me say that I don't have a job???!!!!  But I need and want for nothing on a daily basis.  Am I tired of feeling weak and helpless....HELL YEAH, but there literally is a blessing in everything.  I'm just excited to be in a position to help someone like I was helped when my time comes to be a blessing.

Am I going to give up on my destiny and purpose???? HELL NO!  This experience has been an answer to my prayers!  I'm learning my highs and my lows and walking out of places I never want to be again.  If anything this has lit more fiyah under my ASSets to make it happen.  I promise I've thought of a million "If I had the money" ideas since I've been down on my luck.  I'm learning to choose who I let into my world wisely and strategically because everyone isn't genuine.  Even more important every situation isn't for me!  If it's too good to be true, and it's not something you worked your ass off for, then it probably is!!!

WOODEN NICKELS......DON'T TAKE 'EM!!

If this is apart of the test....I sure hope I'm passing!!!

Back to regularly scheduled phuckery next week! BE GOOD AND BE YOURSELF!

DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY: NUMERO DEUX

So it's like four o'clock in the a.m.  I got wine wasted a little too early last night and my pillow beckoned me a bit early.  So now I'm up.  Can't sleep.  Figured I would get some blogging in before the sun came up and start slaying dragons.

THE VAULT and my last moment of sober sanity...

So here is my numero two of the DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY.  I really had to dig deep for this one because I love my circle!  I love my friends!  I love all of my relationships old and new (but that is another blog...stay tuned for that)!  But I really had to sit back and start paying attention to which friends my love life modeled after.

EITHER.....

OR.....

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a balance of guy friends to female friends.  Although I love my gals, there is something easy, less judgmental, and drama free about confiding in a guy.  Most aren't emotionally natured and tend to look at things more logically "at times".  Versus women, whom I sometimes think are secretly judging me for my indiscretions.  There is a BUT, I'm learning you can't talk game and relationships with the same guy!  A man in game season isn't equipped to relate to a relationship. Not that he's not educated in both areas, but at the moment he's committed to one more than the other.  Men are way more committed than what we give them credit for.  So the woman he is looking for isn't necessarily the woman you want to be.  Unless you are in the same season as him.

It goes the same way with women.  We are just an all over the place kind of species.  One day we are hot and one day we are cold.  Blame the hormone changes that we endure WEEKLY!  So depending on what week you catch your girlfriend she may be in a totally different place with things.  Also the Inspector Gadget outfit stays on with some women and confiding in them can have you turning an innocent handshake your guy makes with another woman into some kind of sexual code for "I'll call you when she goes to sleep".  I swear sometimes I think friendships are in the top five of relationship killers!  So we have to be careful that we aren't confiding in the "bitter single bettys" of the world or the insecure girlfriends in a relationship, who are waiting on the other shoe to drop.

REAL LIFE FATAL ATTRACTION

Now don't get me wrong....the tide can definitely change!  You can be cool with a guy that is all about relationships.  But if you aren't that model woman that he is waiting on, then you are imperfect in his eyes. Not good for your self-esteem. Then you could have that homegirl that is all about her business and getting emotionally attached to anyone is not in the stars for her.  So sex for her is detached.  Not good for your love below or your mental stability if you aren't mentally equipped like her.

I had to find balance in my friendships and realize that confiding in my whore male friends only promoted my love below having control!  They made her feel like it was okay to be like them!  And it was, but as a woman, there is a price that comes with that.  We as women can definitely do what we want, but as I have said before and will continue to say....there is power in our discipline!

As for my female love bugs, I just had to get tougher skin.  I had to embrace that people will judge you! Some criticism is constructive and some not so constructive.  Either is not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it's necessary to keep you aligned.

SEE WHERE WERE MY GIRLS WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING!! I NEED ALIGNMENT!!!!

Learning to take notes and not live by the lifestyle choices of others is so essential!  After you've gathered all of the advice and gotten all of the testimonies, warnings, shoulder shrugs, and you so stupid jokes, it's time for you to be silent and be still.  Assess your situation as your situation and make the decision that fits you and makes you happy.  LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR DECISIONS!  Your friends are there to walk with you, not be a light unto your path!  Leave that up to God, the universe, and yourself.

STAY TUNED!!!