SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY....THE ART OF LETTING GO - REVISITED TIL I GET THIS ISH RIGHT!!!!

I swear life is a song.  So let me start from the beginning.....of this blog.  Because my mind is at the middle.  I've had a wild experience this go round of singledom.  One that has left me tipsy....confused....inspired.....excited....MIXED UP!

What do you call something that moves fast, forces you to move slowly, consistently, and thoughtfully, AND has no repeats????  Answer:  LIFE.

People always tell me that life is too short.  And thinking back last night when me and my girls were listening to what would now be considered "old skool", vividly recalling where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with....life happens in the blink of an eye.  For a moment being able to breathe in the summer air as a child and feel the heat of the sun on our necks.  It felt like just the other day.  But we look up and it was over 20 years ago.  A hard pill to swallow, but still a pleasurable effect because you realize you have memories....and although you can't get them back, you can always go to them and get that feeling.  Life is short.....but moments can seem like forever.

LIFE IS BUT A DREAM......LOVE YOU DADDY

In my last few entries or maybe even the last one.  I'm too tipsy really to go into the archives and do the research but....lol...I said something about in order to move forward, you have to let go of the good experiences as well as the bad to really assess where you are in this life thang.

I'm losing you...hold on...putting it in relationship status....in relationships....ANY relationship it is the GOOD experiences that keep us afloat....keeps us hopeful and alive.  And although a great thing, sometimes it can cloud the reality of......nothing.

MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL

GOOD EXPERIENCES can stretch a relationship that should have ended at two months to two years. I learned I can hold on to what used to be, how it used to be, to the point that I don't even see that I am nothing less than an addict chasing that first high.  Companionship (I won't say love) is my drug of choice, but a high just the same.

BAD EXPERIENCES...well we know how these things can go.  Bad experiences cause you to marinate on the hurt.  I would elaborate on hurt but when I sit and think about it EVERYTHING HURTS!  Everything comes from hurt....but crazy is the thing that rested in me that I pulled from bad experiences is my lack of responsibility in it.  Focusing on his fuck ups and not my own.  Focusing on his games and not the ones I play.

WHO AM I?

I can't change how things turn out, but I can change my perception of it.  I can allow a moment to change me or continue to be who I am in spite of what the moment brings me.  Just because something doesn't turn out how I may plan doesn't mean it won't turn out how its supposed to....and that is...well hell its disappointing shit...BUT its life and I can't continue to fight it.

There is no glory in being the victim!  There is no glory in sympathy likes or basing my feminism off the carcasses of men I've emasculated in an attempt to fill whatever emotional void the other man left.  There is no reward in hate.....just it...there is no reward.  Hate will travel with you and will become you.  Bitterness can comfort you just as good as a great rim filled glass of merlot.

I can't display hatred towards an individual that played such an enormous part in, what at this moment, is the present part of my life.  Even though in a moment it will be a blink of an eye.  I can't hate someone for having the same hang ups, the same insecurities, the same self destructive habits, and the same "right to have options" mentality, that has comforted me and, let me tell it, protected me thus far.

WRAPPING IT UP

T.D. Jakes wrote something called the Power of Goodbye years ago....and every time I come to a moment that I question, that passage comes right back to me.  It has meant something different to me at different times...but today it simply means LETTING GO of the option to be hurt.  I choose to accept.  I choose to live in the present.

And the present.....ain't working for ya girl.  Whatever made me smile before has dissipated in the now of things.  What was once a reality is now a memory.  Ya gotta know when to hold and know when to fold.  I FOLD!!

Keep it classy....keep it cute....keep it happy!!  Until next time folks.....

Liberated Nation.

SEX AND SINGLE IN THE CITY: I'M HAPPY.....A LADY TOO....AND MEN ARE SENSITIVE!! WHO KNEW??!!

I've been battling this blog for weeks now.  Trying to find something that sticks.  Something that keeps my attention.  Because if it doesn't keep me, it for dayum sure isn't going to keep you.

I sit here on the anniversary of the day my grandmother was taken away from me, thinking how beautiful death can be.  I know some are reading this and I'm losing them in the shuffle of beautiful and death.  But stick with me.

When seen with the proper optical lenses, death brings life!  You realize how precious life is.  You appreciate life more.  The motivation that was already in you suddenly increases and sets you in motion to live your life to the fullest.  And every year, her death is a reminder to me that life is short, life is unfair, life is hard, but life is WORTH IT!!!

THE MOMENT OF CLARITY

So with that....this will be the first time that I say that I'M HAPPY with me!!!  Not because I have a man, or because I have the career I want, or because I'm driving the car I dreamed of (a smoke gray Range Rover with peanut butter interior if anyone wants to hook ya girl up), or even because I'm living how I want to live...but because I'm simply happy with who I am.

No matter what our mouths tend to say when we have an audience to show up for, how we treat ourselves is the true tell tell of how we really think of ourselves.  It's not about what you have more than what you do with what you have and what you do to get what you want!

THE EXPLANATION

My manager at work said something to me that stuck.  In the simplest of terms she broke down what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a lady.  We were talking about ALLOWING men to open doors for us at work and how we felt obligated to speed up our walk or grab a door if a man held a door open patiently for us to walk through.  I admitted....if a man opened a door for me, I would sometimes touch it.  I'm assuming a subliminal form of independence.  But she simply stated that we are women all of the time...never turn down the opportunity to be a lady.

A WOMAN VS. A LADY

We are born as women and raised as women, but we are taught to be ladies.  Some by our fathers or other male figures who love they momma.  Some by our mothers who know the value in the concept. Then life happens to us and the idea or the time for being a lady dissipates.  We learn to harness our pain and disappointments instead of letting them go.  We continue the cycle of choosing not so good fish because we are less guided by our natural instincts and guided more by circumstance and tainted emotion.

THE TEA

That leads me to the question:

As a Single Woman In Her 30s....Can I Really Recognize a Good Man?

In my previous blog I talked about the one coming and him not being what you planned.  You two not meeting where you planned.  And I realized that the stipulations we create are what we are comfortable with.  Our stipulations give us the green light...the okay to like this person.  To push forward into something.

Wolves come in all forms of sheep clothing and ain't shit individuals <<< ebonics, can be at the dayum coffee shop!  They can dress exactly how I want them too, talk like I want, have the career I expected, the credit score I dreamed he had, the boss status, the living quarters....he can make me put a huge check mark on my ideal man list!!!

I'M SO CONFUSED JESUS.....HOW COULD THIS BE A NO?!

But he can still be the same thing I've always attracted...because I'm still the same me!  I'm still the same closed off, I can do it by myself, emotionally detached because it's for the best, I'm in total control ass WOMAN!!! Looking good on paper and selfies but my wounded heart is patched up with diverted moments of independence.

THE CONCLUSION

I learned that men are just as sensitive as women.  I learned that men need reassurance, have insecurities, and have trust issues just like women do!  Men harness experiences just like we do.  They have their standards too.

The truth is.....perception is reality.  I didn't want to accept that concept, but that's why first impressions are so prevalent.  Being aware of the energy I release dictates what comes my way.  Simply put, how can I demand something I myself don't exude?  HAPPINESS.

A choice to not be affected by the turbulence of life.....HAPPINESS...the choice to focus more on the highs and learn lessons from the lows...HAPPINESS...letting go of....fear.....HAPPINESS...

Be Blessed.

Liberated nation.