FOR EVERY LEVEL THERE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR POLISH YOU SHOULD WEAR!!! CHANGE IS GOOD!

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!!!! So talking to my friend the other night, I had NO idea that it had been a little over a month since I blessed my Celibacy Rules blog!  I felt so detached and appalled at myself for child neglect.  I made it a point to hit up this blog today.

I've been pretty darn busy!!!  I finally have 2 out of 3 in the essentials of adulthood so I think I am doing pretty darn good.  My car and living situation have been rectified!!

Now to keep the grind going on this job situation.  Boy I tell you, it looks so easy to get a job when you have one.  But a chic has been paying more and more attention to the unemployment rate in this nation and it definitely rings true when you've been without work for 2 months.  But you can't get unemployment because it was your risk taking ass that decided to quit your job in the first place!!!  Am I mad at myself for taking the risk???  Only every 2 weeks....when that check was direct deposited into my account!  But in truth, I'm proud of myself.

It's not too often that we see something we really want and we believe in it to a point of taking a huge leap of faith.  I believe that those moments come to us often, but the window of opportunity is only available to us for a moment and if we don't move at that moment, we may miss it!  Things don't always look pretty but I'm learning to embrace those moments and allow myself to learn and to grow.  Learning to be vulnerable.

So as I sit and type and allow my brain to ramble, I have concluded that today's blog will focus on things I've learned about myself these last few weeks:

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.....NICE TO LOOK AT, A BITCH TO WALK

I have prided myself for so long in having my guards up!  I lightweight say it with pride sometimes. And at first it was something I was proud of.  I was happy that I had the ability to not dive into situations heart first and that I possessed the power to not let certain people in and keep certain feelings from getting out.  That in itself is a good and bad thing.  I've discovered the bad that comes with it recently.

You can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.  I can't say that I don't like to let people in but say that I'm ready for love.

Another thing, just because you have high walls doesn't mean that you stop being horny!  I tell ya....if there was a switch that I could utilize to get the goals that my brain has for me,to become in sync with the rest of my body parts, particularly my love below then contradiction wouldn't be something I eat daily!!!  Sheesh.


YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHO YOU WANT IT FROM

I realized that for years, due to my high walls, my deniability of bitterness and anger, my indecisiveness...etc., that I am emotional unavailable.  So what's the big whoop and what does that mean?  It means that because I'm not available emotionally that usually puts me in situations with unavailable men!  I would always wonder what were the issues with me, men, and commitment.  What was the connection?  I had to actually do a case study on my dayum self!  And when you aren't working, you tend to have a lot of time to write out a questionnaire with 20 multiple choice questions.

The conclusion was UNAVAILABILITY.  I felt most connected to men that I wasn't required to be emotionally vested in.  That way when they rejected me, it was already preordained.  I was attracted to situations that didn't require any more of me than I was willing to give.  I even went as far as to sabotage some situations if I caught myself feeling anything or actually thinking about them in the middle of the day.  I would immediately shut down.....and then offer sex as an olive branch.  Even though what I WANTED from them was EVERYTHING, my actions and my energy gave off unavailability.  And that doesn't always mean physically but in any and all forms.

This has also poured into my social and professional life.  I have become limited in my expectations and my capabilities.  I won't allow myself to go too far in anything because of the fear of being hurt/denied.

Like I said before, you can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.


I AM MY OWN COMPETITION

I've heard this said plenty of times and it was usually said....or let me rephrase, I always took it as some cocky shit to say....but I've realized that no one says what I can't do more than ME!!  Everyday that I've awakened these last few weeks, and I didn't want to be responsible or I wanted to feel bad for myself, I've realized there was no one else in that room but me!  I'm encouraging myself everyday.  Giving myself a pep talk to get up and do it all over again, regardless of the daily outcome.  I'm my own worst enemy!  And I truly believe that no one can make you feel inferior if you haven't made yourself feel inferior already.

So my goal everyday is to prove myself wrong!  My goal everyday is to make me believe in myself daily! Because regardless of spiritual beliefs, support systems..etc., sometimes the circumstance itself is overwhelming to the point that is all that you see.  And it seems way easier to give up then to keep pushing.


NO HABIT IS ABOVE THE COLD TURKEY METHOD

I actually thought this was a cold turkey when I first seen it

When I would think of changing and/or breaking habits, I always thought of the bad ones.  You know the obvious ones, the "sinful" ones.  But not anymore.  There are some "good" habits that could stand to be broken.  It's good to change.  It's good to do the same thing a different way.  Who knows, you may get a different result.  And is that such a bad thing to get?  Who knows, you may learn a new thing if you approach the old thing differently.

This method, I have definitely tried to practice on the dating scene.  It's not like I've just been out here killing the dating game.  Actually I don't think that I've been on one date in a while, but just how I respond to men has changed.  Per example, I used to think that aggression on women was a bad thing.  But now I see aggression as something done on purpose and with confidence.  Knowing what I want and actively pursuing that is a great thing.

I used to love to be under the radar and sneak up for the kill.  But that season dipped out on me a long time ago.  Instead of adjusting and changing with my level, I stayed in the same place and used the same approach.  Let me tell you something, what worked on level 3 doesn't work on level 8! If I wanted to be here, I needed to start acting like I wanted to be here and not like it was by accident, prayer, or favor that I made it to this point.  My hard work, PLANNING, and strategy...mixed with divine intervention and Jesus being on my side is what got me to that place.  Being too humble to the point of denying oneself of victory dances, pats on the back, and occasional praise from your peers isn't always a good thing.


SELF SABOTAGE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLAH AMONGST........ERRBODY

Thin line between humbleness and self sabotage.  I noticed how us, we....people don't accept compliments well at all.  Especially me!  Someone gives me a compliment on some of my work, and I'm the VERY FIRST ONE to down play it as no big deal or bring up some negative aspect to dilute the kind gesture.  And when they walk away, I kick myself in the ass for doing that.

Same thing with men.  I will say time and time again that I want a man that does this and that or that treats me like this or that.  And the moment a guy comes along that does those things I immediately reject the kind gesture and in turn treat him like the scum of the earth.  I'm so so guarded that I can't embrace a man just being a gentleman.  I realized although I'm on level 8, I'm still living parts of my life on level 3.  Not wanting to let go of some of those good habits has now become a set back and not a push forward.

At some point it is necessary to change EVERYTHING about yourself.  Not all at once, but receiving the idea that maybe what worked for you in your 20s may not go over so well in your 30s.  What you used after that break up to motivate you to start your own business or finish school, may not be the tool that you need to usher love into your atmosphere.

 Different needs require a different approach.  Until next time folks!!!!