CURRENTLY SEEKING A FULL TIME POSITION….INSURANCE, BONUSES, AND PAID VACATIONS INCLUDED...

Checking in on this beautiful Sunday evening.  So many life lessons.  So much I’ve learned and am learning about myself.  But just not enough time, patience, or brain filters to effectively share it with the world!  And believe you me one day, the world will give a dayum about these blogs that almost no one is paying attention to right now.

Everyone is going to want to know how the hell I got where I will be, the steps I took to get there, the path that I followed, and most importantly who I was screwing at the time…..hahahaha.  

Crazy how we REALLY just want to know another person’s dirt.  No one really cares about clean.  Clean isn’t entertaining at all.  People want reassurance that you are just as messed and confused as they pretend not to be.

I usually stare into space for about an hour right before I put my fingers to the keyboard.  Briefly thinking about what my focus topic will be, how to candy coat it, and most importantly is it going to piss anyone off!  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t go into anything purposely wanting to make anyone upset with me.  I don’t like people being upset with me.  But truth and emotions don’t exist on the same cosmic realm so sometimes my truth tends to ruffle a few feathers.  But notice how I said MY TRUTH.  Please understand that almost everything that I write about is about me and something I have been through.  I’m not a reality show so I’m not here to air all of my dirty laundry for the world to judge, but understand that there is a story behind every lesson.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying here lately.  Basically something that my ass should’ve been doing anyway, but like I said before not having a job….(oh yeah I still don’t have one of those)….tends to change your perspective on what is most important.  And my sanity is VERY important.  So is my frame of thought.  So in order to keep it positive and keep it cute, prayer has become a necessity and not a chore.  Well while praying this morning the word TEMPORARY kept popping up in my head. 

Temporary relationships have subliminally been my thang for like….EVER!!!  I can honestly say that every relationship that I’ve been in, I’ve known that it wasn’t going to be THAT ONE.  I knew it before I got in it.  But as I always told myself, it temporarily worked for where I was at.  I could see the signs right off the back.  He had fideen (15) baby mommas, he’s content with his current living sitcho, he doesn’t like to travel, he doesn’t like to try anything new, he mistakens fear for ego…etc., I can literally go on and on and on with this one.  All the signs pointed to the road of HELL NO, but because of my love below and her personal needs,  I always took a deep breath and dived right on in.  Into something temporary.

As usual, a chic would get caught up in the hoopla.  I would really start digging the dude and then he would treat me like absolute total shit!  I wonder if he knew that I seen him as a temporary fix…..hmmmmm.  It’s like I would put my all into it too late or something.  And in all truth, my all really wasn’t a lot.  I just had sex with him without guilt, and his government name was replaced with “my boo”, “my babe” or something.  It was all bullshit when I sit and think about it.  But that’s not the point.

The point is….I became my situation.  I became “temporary”.  I don’t know if I have told you but for some reason I have become the “involved man” whisperer.  Like seriously, every guy that has approached me this year has the “in a relationship” status blinking above his head!  I can’t escape it.  Even my insurance guy is boo’d up.  I met this guy trying to get some daggone renter’s insurance.  We flirted, he helped me get all moved in…blah…blah..BLAAAAAH!!!!  I randomly ask him one day if he has a girlfriend and this som-ma-ma-bitch mumbles…you guessed it….’YEAH”….mutha mutha what?!  Seriously???  The insurance guy has a woman?  Not that insurance guys can’t have women, but why is shorty swinging my way?  What about me is saying, I date “in a relationship” men?  Again, I could go on and on with this.

So back to this temporary word and the relevance it has regarding me and “in a relationship” status men.  I speak, I act, therefore I am!  That is the only explanation that I can fathom right now.  I’ve been so busy going through the motions over the years that somewhere in there I got caught up in my own bullshit.  The very hole that I dug for temporary placement has weirdly become where I have settled.  I’m starting to pay attention to my words now.

I’m sure somewhere there are key words that trigger these “in a relationship” status men.  Phrases like, “I ain’t trippin”, “not my business”, “I’m not trying to settle down”, “I’m on the pill”, or what about “Yes”….maybe “Yes” is a not so good word to say….oooh what about “maybe”….maybe that’s a not so good one either.  And just for the record, I’m not even on the pill, but it just seemed like a trigger for those unavailables out there. 

Listen, it’s hard out here for 30 something single women these days.  This crap is not easy.  Some of these men are totally dishonest while the others that are trying to holla just don’t give a shit if you know they got a woman or not!  Then we have to briefly find a dayum to give about the girlfriend’s feelings.  Putting our self in her shoes and shit and trying to live by this unspoken woman code.  We have to care about a relationship that this sorry ass man apparently gives no dayums about.  And let’s be real, that is not always an easy task!  No woman wants to be called a whore and totally deserve the title!  And there lies our self respect that we must uphold at all times…..ALL TIMES!!!

TRIED TO ENTER THE CODE TOO MANY TIMES...GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE

In light….I’m learning to be aware of the energy that I put out there and putting a muzzle on my love below.  Some opinions are not needed.

Until next time folks!

FOR EVERY LEVEL THERE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR POLISH YOU SHOULD WEAR!!! CHANGE IS GOOD!

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!!!! So talking to my friend the other night, I had NO idea that it had been a little over a month since I blessed my Celibacy Rules blog!  I felt so detached and appalled at myself for child neglect.  I made it a point to hit up this blog today.

I've been pretty darn busy!!!  I finally have 2 out of 3 in the essentials of adulthood so I think I am doing pretty darn good.  My car and living situation have been rectified!!

Now to keep the grind going on this job situation.  Boy I tell you, it looks so easy to get a job when you have one.  But a chic has been paying more and more attention to the unemployment rate in this nation and it definitely rings true when you've been without work for 2 months.  But you can't get unemployment because it was your risk taking ass that decided to quit your job in the first place!!!  Am I mad at myself for taking the risk???  Only every 2 weeks....when that check was direct deposited into my account!  But in truth, I'm proud of myself.

It's not too often that we see something we really want and we believe in it to a point of taking a huge leap of faith.  I believe that those moments come to us often, but the window of opportunity is only available to us for a moment and if we don't move at that moment, we may miss it!  Things don't always look pretty but I'm learning to embrace those moments and allow myself to learn and to grow.  Learning to be vulnerable.

So as I sit and type and allow my brain to ramble, I have concluded that today's blog will focus on things I've learned about myself these last few weeks:

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.....NICE TO LOOK AT, A BITCH TO WALK

I have prided myself for so long in having my guards up!  I lightweight say it with pride sometimes. And at first it was something I was proud of.  I was happy that I had the ability to not dive into situations heart first and that I possessed the power to not let certain people in and keep certain feelings from getting out.  That in itself is a good and bad thing.  I've discovered the bad that comes with it recently.

You can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.  I can't say that I don't like to let people in but say that I'm ready for love.

Another thing, just because you have high walls doesn't mean that you stop being horny!  I tell ya....if there was a switch that I could utilize to get the goals that my brain has for me,to become in sync with the rest of my body parts, particularly my love below then contradiction wouldn't be something I eat daily!!!  Sheesh.


YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHO YOU WANT IT FROM

I realized that for years, due to my high walls, my deniability of bitterness and anger, my indecisiveness...etc., that I am emotional unavailable.  So what's the big whoop and what does that mean?  It means that because I'm not available emotionally that usually puts me in situations with unavailable men!  I would always wonder what were the issues with me, men, and commitment.  What was the connection?  I had to actually do a case study on my dayum self!  And when you aren't working, you tend to have a lot of time to write out a questionnaire with 20 multiple choice questions.

The conclusion was UNAVAILABILITY.  I felt most connected to men that I wasn't required to be emotionally vested in.  That way when they rejected me, it was already preordained.  I was attracted to situations that didn't require any more of me than I was willing to give.  I even went as far as to sabotage some situations if I caught myself feeling anything or actually thinking about them in the middle of the day.  I would immediately shut down.....and then offer sex as an olive branch.  Even though what I WANTED from them was EVERYTHING, my actions and my energy gave off unavailability.  And that doesn't always mean physically but in any and all forms.

This has also poured into my social and professional life.  I have become limited in my expectations and my capabilities.  I won't allow myself to go too far in anything because of the fear of being hurt/denied.

Like I said before, you can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.


I AM MY OWN COMPETITION

I've heard this said plenty of times and it was usually said....or let me rephrase, I always took it as some cocky shit to say....but I've realized that no one says what I can't do more than ME!!  Everyday that I've awakened these last few weeks, and I didn't want to be responsible or I wanted to feel bad for myself, I've realized there was no one else in that room but me!  I'm encouraging myself everyday.  Giving myself a pep talk to get up and do it all over again, regardless of the daily outcome.  I'm my own worst enemy!  And I truly believe that no one can make you feel inferior if you haven't made yourself feel inferior already.

So my goal everyday is to prove myself wrong!  My goal everyday is to make me believe in myself daily! Because regardless of spiritual beliefs, support systems..etc., sometimes the circumstance itself is overwhelming to the point that is all that you see.  And it seems way easier to give up then to keep pushing.


NO HABIT IS ABOVE THE COLD TURKEY METHOD

I actually thought this was a cold turkey when I first seen it

When I would think of changing and/or breaking habits, I always thought of the bad ones.  You know the obvious ones, the "sinful" ones.  But not anymore.  There are some "good" habits that could stand to be broken.  It's good to change.  It's good to do the same thing a different way.  Who knows, you may get a different result.  And is that such a bad thing to get?  Who knows, you may learn a new thing if you approach the old thing differently.

This method, I have definitely tried to practice on the dating scene.  It's not like I've just been out here killing the dating game.  Actually I don't think that I've been on one date in a while, but just how I respond to men has changed.  Per example, I used to think that aggression on women was a bad thing.  But now I see aggression as something done on purpose and with confidence.  Knowing what I want and actively pursuing that is a great thing.

I used to love to be under the radar and sneak up for the kill.  But that season dipped out on me a long time ago.  Instead of adjusting and changing with my level, I stayed in the same place and used the same approach.  Let me tell you something, what worked on level 3 doesn't work on level 8! If I wanted to be here, I needed to start acting like I wanted to be here and not like it was by accident, prayer, or favor that I made it to this point.  My hard work, PLANNING, and strategy...mixed with divine intervention and Jesus being on my side is what got me to that place.  Being too humble to the point of denying oneself of victory dances, pats on the back, and occasional praise from your peers isn't always a good thing.


SELF SABOTAGE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLAH AMONGST........ERRBODY

Thin line between humbleness and self sabotage.  I noticed how us, we....people don't accept compliments well at all.  Especially me!  Someone gives me a compliment on some of my work, and I'm the VERY FIRST ONE to down play it as no big deal or bring up some negative aspect to dilute the kind gesture.  And when they walk away, I kick myself in the ass for doing that.

Same thing with men.  I will say time and time again that I want a man that does this and that or that treats me like this or that.  And the moment a guy comes along that does those things I immediately reject the kind gesture and in turn treat him like the scum of the earth.  I'm so so guarded that I can't embrace a man just being a gentleman.  I realized although I'm on level 8, I'm still living parts of my life on level 3.  Not wanting to let go of some of those good habits has now become a set back and not a push forward.

At some point it is necessary to change EVERYTHING about yourself.  Not all at once, but receiving the idea that maybe what worked for you in your 20s may not go over so well in your 30s.  What you used after that break up to motivate you to start your own business or finish school, may not be the tool that you need to usher love into your atmosphere.

 Different needs require a different approach.  Until next time folks!!!!