TRICK OR TREAT.......THE JOKES ON ME!!!!!!

What an interesting week I've had!  Wheeeeeeeew!!!  It's amazing what you learn about yourself when you put yourself in a position to totally deal with yourself, without any outside influences.

First thing I learned....I HATE ASSHOLES!...I know you are probably sitting there like, "Well duh, who would like those sons of bitches!"....well the answer to that is ME, that's who!  God how I used to love a man with more cockiness than sense.  It used to be such a turn on to see them be rudely honest, hurt feelings, and laugh loud!  My legs would part like the red sea for those kinds of guys.  BUT that was when my love below was in charge apparently, because now that I am "sex-less" my tolerance for any bullshit has dwindled considerably and rudeness is no longer a turn on for me.  As a matter of fact, lack of etiquette period immediately gets his man card revoked!

Case Study #1

So.....there is this one guy that I totally dug!  I have a weakness for a guy with a  sense of humor but that cocky attitude was like absolute icing on the cake!  The way he talked was everything to me and his comedic timing was impeccable. When we would hang out or social netflirt, he would really think I was listening to him, but usually the entire time I was fantasizing about how I would shut that cocky mouth of his up and make him scream my name later in the evening.  See even as I type this, I'm realizing how my love below was in total control of my thoughts and actions....sneaky lil thing she is. 

I see you lookin with your lookin ass!

I would giggle like a school girl at his wild antics, deep voice, and slightly rude demeanor.  I mean it would absolutely turn me on!  He was a real pearl clutcher.  Our meetings would usually end with wild sweaty relations that included me briefly forgetting my name, who's bed I was in, and where my panties were, which are always signs that point to a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good night!! 

And like clockwork, I would never hear from this guy again.  And weirdly I was okay with that.  I would be fine for a few days after, playing the "independent woman" role oh so well.  I didn't need a phone call or a "thinking about you" text from him, or so I would convince myself.  But then as the days/weeks would pass on by, my bed got a little lonely and my natural human desires, which we call "emotion", would seep through my bs and I wanted non-sexual attention or as we like to call it "affection" from him and I couldn't get it.  I just had to wait my turn like his other players, and just wait for my starting position.  So I seeked comfort elsewhere.

 

Don't judge me or Olivia!!!

But I convinced myself that this "situation" was cool.  I was cool.  I was super freakin woman man!  Able to leap tall dinkles I mean buildings in a single bound!  I could do this!  I could handle this!  I was WONDER WOMAN dammit!!

Well, it was about time for our quarterly hook up and he reaches out to me.  As usual my lil heart began to pitter patter and my love below began to throb!  I was really excited.  At first I forgot about my celibacy rules and engaged in flirtatious banter and then my brain reminded me that I could no longer engage in sexual satisfaction with this guy.  So once that happened what was the point in our conversation? 


I began to listen to him and really listen and all of a sudden, what seemed like clever comebacks now became unwitty, elementary, ebonic verbage!  Who was this guy and what happened to the confident guy that used to make me scream his name like I was looking for an abducted child in a crowded room?

All of a sudden my "lmao"s turned into "....lol"s and my "xoxoxo" turned into " ;) ".  I began to ask myself why I even liked this guy.  His laugh began to remind me of Sloth from The Goonies and his conversation was....well...it was kind of pointless!  What exactly did I have in common with this dude besides decent sex?  I even began to question that now.  I mean if his personality turned out to be a fluke, then I could only assume the sex would soon follow after. 

 

I've been played!!

How did I even start liking this guy?  Was I on a rebound?  Was my love below sending those darn pheromones out again? 

Boy the things you learn when you take sex out of the equation.  Turns out that my potential Prince Charming wasn't even a witty Orge,

or a humble Forrest Gump. 

He was just a baby! 

Cute to look at but always keeps a shitty diaper!

The stories of my life!!!!!  Until next time gals n guys

SELFIE: HOW I CHOOSE TO KILL MY SINGLE, SEX-FREE BOREDOM

Yet another week of being sexless.  Yet another week of no dating, no increased heart beating, or little butterflies floating around in my belly because that guy I was crushing on sent me a "wyd" text or, the ever so classic morning forward "I was just thinking about you.  Hope you have a good day" text strand.  Sometimes it just feels good to know that you are cartwheeling through someone's mind every once in a while.  Even if it is you and 12 other women sitting on the bench waiting to get in the game.

Anyhoo, so yet another Friday night I spend alone.  Hey it's not the absolute worst thing in the world.  After all, I do have a life and technically I didn't get home til after 11 o'clock from that life so I wouldn't of had time for anything other than a night cap and hump session anyway.  My love below would've actually loved that option might I add, but after my last installment she's not putting me in the trick bag no more! 

So what does a single woman who has followed all the rules and still isn't sleepy do????  Takes selfies of herself.  That's what she does!  I spent my night snapping numerous pics of myself.  Some I channeled Zoolander,

the Girl next Door,

the Seductress,

the Look-off,

and the infamous I just Woke up (but not really) pose. 

 

I actually liked this picture.....

I even took it a step further and channeled my inner ratchet Amber Rose (excuse me while I continue to stan for her and her bodacious bod) and attempted to take a couple of ratchet photos.

Waaay too ratchet but you smell what I'm cooking here!

 

 It was so much work!  I'm talking I had my body bent in all kinds of ways and then had to hold my belly in, while attempting to hold the phone a kind of way.   I was shaking and it was tiring.  I fell over a couple of times and then the last one almost had me falling off the bed, and well....my bed is too high for all of that. 

Two things I realized after attempting self taught ratchet yoga, number one I need to start taking some yoga classes (I say this quarterly), and number two, I need to step my ratchet game up.  So that is exactly what my weekend consisted of!!!  No, not ratchet yoga, but something similar to the cause.  I figured that I need to stay fresh and current so that when I do find that one to lay down with that I will absolutely knock it out the park!

So what did I do????????  I went to youtube and started looking up booty popping videos.  I sure did!  And I am now onward to becoming a work from home stripper!  I am mastering the art of booty popping from the confines of my bedroom and laptop 500 booty lifts at a time!

I was a little shy at first, and I blushed at the thought of sitting on my knees, in the bed, in front of the lap top and looking back at my buttocks as I attempt to make them cheeks jump alone, but then I thought HEY!  There is no one here but me and my booty, and besides when I pull this trick out of my pocketbook, he's sure to either get down on one knee with that 5 karat rock or at least make it rain on ya girl!  Either way I'M WINNING!

Hey there's nothing wrong with learning some new tricks and keeping yourself fresh! CHANNEL YOUR INNER RATCHET!

As for all those selfies that I took *sighs* my love below convinced me to send one of the tasteful ratchet pics to an unsuspecting gentleman.  I did......that was Friday......and I have heard nothing.  Not even a good morning forward text the next day.  Talk about pride ending!  I thought it was a really sexy pic of my thighs and high socks.  I been working out too?!  So there was no dimples or nothing at that angle Jesus.....

Oh well.......The Adventures of the Single Celibate Woman continues.....Until next time..

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Hello, hello, hello.  So.....I've been thinking on some rules that I think that I should begin to follow so that I don't get caught with my thighs spread or be walking down the street and accidentally trip and fall on a.....well, you know how that tends to go. SO!  Here are a couple or rules that I've generated for myself to follow as I travel down this lonely and tempestuous road.  Hopefully this will help all you ladies living that struggle life like myself.

RULE #1:
Just because I'm keeping the kitty on lock does NOT mean she needs to go ungroomed!  Personal maintenance is just that PERSONAL maintenance. 

Now there is no need to abstain from a razor, wax, laser, regular trimmings, or whatever just because the dinkle is no longer a resident.  Upkeep is so very important!  Now if you are one that loves your "bush" then by all means, deep condition away, but I prefer neat and non-existent.  And that's MY PREFERENCE!

FYI....Grooming isn't just about the man it's about feeling sexy as a WOman!  How can you know how to be sexy if you never feel sexy.

RULE #2
Don't put yourself in compromising circumstances.....

I tend to fall short of this one often.  My va jayjay tends to have a literal mind of her own.  Fully equipped with emotions and even a sense of humor!  Most of the time she knows exactly what she is doing, but some how or the other she convinces me that it is me that is in control.  Not knowing that she's been releasing pheromones left and right.  She also talks me into have 3 glasses of wine instead of the one I initially agreed on in the car, on the way to the door, and when I sat down on the couch.  So no more dates that end with night caps.....or how about just no more dates period!!!

RULE #3
Don't flirt via social networking/text messages/emails/phone convos...

This is usually where the pot gets to brewing.  This is where all of the ingredients are added and when you finally do meet or come across each other you are either going to simmer together or boil over!  Both are kind of no bueno.  I personally prefer cooking alone.  WAIT!  That didn't come out exactly the way I planned.  But my point is, don't start nothing and it won't be nothing.  I call social networking, social netflirting!  You can be whoever you want to be in those mean streets and a picture is worth 1000 words and usually none of the words are correct.

RULE #4
Find something better to do....

If there is a guy that has your attention you don't have to play hard to get, but you don't have to be easy to find either.  I don't know how men think, but I would like to think that apart of holding anyone's interest is being interesting.  Having something to do, plans, hobbies...something that isn't centered around satisfying a man.  Sometime being in a relationship for so long and then all of a sudden becoming single, we tend to forget who we were.  Being single AND celibate is the perfect time to get all of that back and learn more about yourself.

That brings me to
RULE #5
Find something that you love to do alone...
I think I've mastered this one!  I promise I'm not outside of doing anything alone.  I will go out to eat, to the movies, to the park...etc.  The only thing I haven't mastered doing alone is going to a comedy show.  I mean that has got to be some lonely shit.  I will laugh alone at home.  But everything else, I'm pretty much a loner. 

Rule #6
Do something drastic!....
Now drastic could have a different meaning for different people.  Some people consider drastic changing their nail color or putting some purple weave in their hair....WHATEVER floats your fancy, just make sure that you are doing it for you!  I call this a form of liberation!  I've done so many things in the name of being liberated!  I've cut off all my hair, gotten tattoos, changed up my dress style....and some other things I care not to mention....hehehehehehee!!!  But the point is that it felt good to do FOR ME!  It was like a breath of fresh air.

Rule #7
Denial is no bueno....
Denying that you are hornier than bat shit will not make it go away.  That will only put RULE #2 into action.  Listen, the va jayjay does not like to be ignored!  You must acknowledge her.  You don't have to "physically" acknowledge her should you choose to or not to is not my business...BUT definitely admit your feelings/emotions to yourself.  Nothing like lying to yourself.  You will lie yourself straight into his bed, car, or side of the building.

Well folks!!  These are my rules of engagement for the 2nd installment.  Hopefully I will be able to follow my own rules and lead a successful celibate lifestyle.  I told myself that I was done with men so the next blog may or may not be a story of one of my experiences.



I will check in later!!!

STARTING OVER FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME......HERE GOES

So, as I sit here relishing off the surprising high that I received from watching, The Great Gatsby the other night, I sit with my lips pooched out, bobbing my head to Watch the Throne, while at work....blogging.  Yeah I'm on some fug it ish and I'm YOLO'n while my boss is gone for the day!!  In this moment of figuring out what to do next (as if I need to add on something), I decided that sharing my experience with celibacy would be quite entertaining for the masses. 

This is the one feet that I fail at on a consistent basis.  I usually blame the liquor and fall on the altar very Sunday or cry for forgiveness the morning after while in my car speeding to work.  Or I blame my raging hormones around that time of the month, or right after that time of the month, or 2 weeks prior to that time of the month or 2 weeks after that time of the month.  I figured I should take this thing seriously and make a decision to make a decision to take it seriously.  So yeah....I'm serious.

this the face of someone who is pretty serious about the movement by the way

As I embark on this "serious" journey my first thought was.....how long should I shoot for?  Like seriously that was my first thought. So I say A YEAR!!! That's long enough to be applauded and to let these menz know that I mean bidness! Then my next thought was, maybe I should look up the definition of CELIBACY.  So, this is what I found:

 1. Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows. 2. The condition of being unmarried.


I'm thinking this sounds pretty accurate for me, minus the religious context. Don't confuse me, I love Jesus and I'm a Christian, but I'm not the biggest person on "religion" per say.  I'm not a very good spokesperson for religion, and besides this blog isn't about that, it's about MY STRUGGLE with keeping my legs closed!

So, why am I choosing to abstain from sex?  Well there are many reasons, but the most important is it's a distraction emotionally.  Even if I don't intend to be emotionally invested in sex, I usually am.  Then comes the thirst brigade and before you know it, I'm obsessing over some guy that absolutely has no chance in participating in my future.  But my love below (yeah that's what I call it) falls in love pretty quickly so.....there is my dilemma.

Another very important reason is diseases dammit!  I mean really, who has time to go through all of that?  I'm in my 30s and I'm too grown to be getting gonorrhea or syphilis or some other grotesquely spelled word.  Those are mistakes that college students make.  Not a grown woman with bills and shit.  No ma'am!

So...HERE I GO!!!!  PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACE!!!