INTERMISSION....THERAPY IS NOW IN SESSION! GROUP HUGS ARE WELCOMED!!!

Greetings and salutations all!  I have been sitting here trying to think of something witty to say.  Ya know....a good opener.  I can't....not today.  Actually this blog, I am going to take a break from my DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY chapter and just vent.  Can I do that today?  Can I talk it out with you gals n guys about what's been going on in Whit's world?

First off, I still do not have a J.O.B!!!  I tell ya one thing, struggling finances is a hard thing to overlook.  It's like the big ass pink elephant in the room.  EVERY room.  Lack of funds has definitely put a hold on dreams, aspirations, smiles, hi fives, and is really starting to wear on my positive, happy go lucky, optimistic frame of thinking.  Honestly, I'm to the point in the job search where I've stopped looking (don't tell anybody).  I'm beginning to totally relate to the "phcuk it" attitude of these panhandlers!  Everyday it gets easier and easier to sleep in and it gets harder and harder to smile through the bs.

But I tell ya what has changed.  I have NO PROBLEM asking a man for a coin, let me tell you!  Oh you want to be with me you say????  What you got on these lights, this car note, this rent, this phone bill, these groceries?????  Most of them I have chased off, but hey....lol....I don't have time!  I've never been one to ask a man for anything, but now a days pride has definitely been shoved off the cliff....dayum being pushed to the side!  It's a very humbling experience.  One that I wish only on my enemies (only on paper...not in real life).

Being broke puts things into perspective.  Especially relationships.  You begin to see people from the bottom looking up instead of as an equal (or that's how I see it in my mind).  Because now, you are in need of EVERYTHING and you find yourself being grateful for ANYTHING.  Even the scraps.  I find myself thanking Jesus because I got a quarter tank of gas or nobody wanted that last wing on the plate!  Being in this place has even ruined some relationships for me!  Because when you are standing at the bottom and are looking up, you really get a chance to see who cares and who's doing it for the vine.

DO IT FOR THE VINE....HE AIN'T GON' DO IT!!!!  HE DID THAT!! LOL

You definitely find out who the space fillers are in your life.  Some people are literally "just there".  When I had a check every two weeks, I used to give those folks purpose in my life.  Even though they had none. After this experience, if they have used love and me in the same sentence, but didn't take advantage of this opportunity to display said love, then they are a waste of space and their clothes are on the curb!

It's not always about money or things.  Sometimes its about the "just because" you are important to me.  Just because I care about your well being.  Just because I want to make you laugh.  Or my all time favorite, just because I can and I want to for you!  And oddly so it's been people that I never even fathomed giving a dayum that are apart of my everything right now!  You can always tell who's praying for you  and those are the people you want in your circle.

Life is definitely in perspective.  Never have I ever wanted a paycheck so bad Jesus.  Yes I HATE corporate America, but dammit if I don't love that paycheck....lol.  I've learned some great things about myself.  Like numero one....I AM NOT A HUSTLER!  I'm not even talking illegally...I'm talking all legal....lol...I couldn't sell a umbrella in the rain jack!  And I'm totally fine with that now.  I thought that I needed to unlock the gene in me or something because my brothers are amazing at making that dollah, but ummmmm....no ma'am!  I'm amazing at getting up and going to work!  A girlfriend of mine had to put that into perspective for me.

DAYUM DOG DOING BETTER THAN ME....SMH

Another thing I've learned is to NOT QUIT and NEVER CEASE TO PRAY!!! God has really shown up and out for me during this time.  Am I out of the hole....hell naw....didn't you hear me say that I don't have a job???!!!!  But I need and want for nothing on a daily basis.  Am I tired of feeling weak and helpless....HELL YEAH, but there literally is a blessing in everything.  I'm just excited to be in a position to help someone like I was helped when my time comes to be a blessing.

Am I going to give up on my destiny and purpose???? HELL NO!  This experience has been an answer to my prayers!  I'm learning my highs and my lows and walking out of places I never want to be again.  If anything this has lit more fiyah under my ASSets to make it happen.  I promise I've thought of a million "If I had the money" ideas since I've been down on my luck.  I'm learning to choose who I let into my world wisely and strategically because everyone isn't genuine.  Even more important every situation isn't for me!  If it's too good to be true, and it's not something you worked your ass off for, then it probably is!!!

WOODEN NICKELS......DON'T TAKE 'EM!!

If this is apart of the test....I sure hope I'm passing!!!

Back to regularly scheduled phuckery next week! BE GOOD AND BE YOURSELF!

DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY: NUMERO DEUX

So it's like four o'clock in the a.m.  I got wine wasted a little too early last night and my pillow beckoned me a bit early.  So now I'm up.  Can't sleep.  Figured I would get some blogging in before the sun came up and start slaying dragons.

THE VAULT and my last moment of sober sanity...

So here is my numero two of the DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY.  I really had to dig deep for this one because I love my circle!  I love my friends!  I love all of my relationships old and new (but that is another blog...stay tuned for that)!  But I really had to sit back and start paying attention to which friends my love life modeled after.

EITHER.....

OR.....

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a balance of guy friends to female friends.  Although I love my gals, there is something easy, less judgmental, and drama free about confiding in a guy.  Most aren't emotionally natured and tend to look at things more logically "at times".  Versus women, whom I sometimes think are secretly judging me for my indiscretions.  There is a BUT, I'm learning you can't talk game and relationships with the same guy!  A man in game season isn't equipped to relate to a relationship. Not that he's not educated in both areas, but at the moment he's committed to one more than the other.  Men are way more committed than what we give them credit for.  So the woman he is looking for isn't necessarily the woman you want to be.  Unless you are in the same season as him.

It goes the same way with women.  We are just an all over the place kind of species.  One day we are hot and one day we are cold.  Blame the hormone changes that we endure WEEKLY!  So depending on what week you catch your girlfriend she may be in a totally different place with things.  Also the Inspector Gadget outfit stays on with some women and confiding in them can have you turning an innocent handshake your guy makes with another woman into some kind of sexual code for "I'll call you when she goes to sleep".  I swear sometimes I think friendships are in the top five of relationship killers!  So we have to be careful that we aren't confiding in the "bitter single bettys" of the world or the insecure girlfriends in a relationship, who are waiting on the other shoe to drop.

REAL LIFE FATAL ATTRACTION

Now don't get me wrong....the tide can definitely change!  You can be cool with a guy that is all about relationships.  But if you aren't that model woman that he is waiting on, then you are imperfect in his eyes. Not good for your self-esteem. Then you could have that homegirl that is all about her business and getting emotionally attached to anyone is not in the stars for her.  So sex for her is detached.  Not good for your love below or your mental stability if you aren't mentally equipped like her.

I had to find balance in my friendships and realize that confiding in my whore male friends only promoted my love below having control!  They made her feel like it was okay to be like them!  And it was, but as a woman, there is a price that comes with that.  We as women can definitely do what we want, but as I have said before and will continue to say....there is power in our discipline!

As for my female love bugs, I just had to get tougher skin.  I had to embrace that people will judge you! Some criticism is constructive and some not so constructive.  Either is not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it's necessary to keep you aligned.

SEE WHERE WERE MY GIRLS WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING!! I NEED ALIGNMENT!!!!

Learning to take notes and not live by the lifestyle choices of others is so essential!  After you've gathered all of the advice and gotten all of the testimonies, warnings, shoulder shrugs, and you so stupid jokes, it's time for you to be silent and be still.  Assess your situation as your situation and make the decision that fits you and makes you happy.  LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR DECISIONS!  Your friends are there to walk with you, not be a light unto your path!  Leave that up to God, the universe, and yourself.

STAY TUNED!!!

DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY: NUMBER UNO.......

Okay so I told you to stay tuned for the DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY CHECK LIST.  

Here is NUMERO UNO of things that I had to pull my own coattail on.  These were some hard truths, because I personally think that I am RIGHT about everything, although I say otherwise.  And I think that every action I make is either a REaction or justified.  Even though that is no excuse.  Now don't get me wrong, this is a process.  This is something I discovered dayum near a year ago and I still haven't quite gotten a grip on it, but progress is progress forget you!!! lol..hey you like what cha like.

LOCATE THE PATTERN

The first thing I had to do was LOCATE THE PATTERN.  Sure I can talk about how men ain’t shit all day and what not, but what exactly about me is attracting me to these ain’t shits?  

DON'T WORRY....I'LL WAIT

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like to fix broken birds and help them to fly, but why once I put all my time and effort into the project, when they are healed and stronger than ever, they either choose door #2 or go back to the bitch that broke them in the first place???? <<<sorry got a bit personal.

Then I had to decide if this process has been repetitive.  Am I unconsciously floating from potential train wreck to train wreck trying to repair the first one?  It’s been my experience that I choose the same type of men because somewhere on my insides I am now attracted to their kind of “drama” and/or issue and they are attracted to my desire to fix them (familiar spirits anyone??)!  We as women, put our hearts, souls, tears, and love into repairing these men and they let us…because they want to be better!  Just maybe not for us.  I have noticed that most men know if a woman is too good for them.  Of course they will never let us know this in most cases, but it is up to us to pay attention. But just because they know that, that does not stop them from utilizing our services. 

Now let me clarify when I say "too good"....I mean that some men enjoy "ain't shit" woman. Whether it be for the time being or a lifetime.  Some men only know how to deal and/or operate in a certain realm of thinking and feel threatened if taken out of that comfort zone.  Furthermore just because we may be too good for someone doesn't make us better than them in any sense of the word.  In some instances, the man may be content with where he is and his capabilities.  He may not want to upgrade or change. His level of success may be different from what we want.  We have to ACCEPT. 

ACCEPTANCE is such a big part of it!  Just because we put in the time and effort to make a better man doesn’t mean that he has an obligation to be that better man for us!  And he’s not wrong for that!  God uses his saints in all facets and answers everyone’s prayers.  Sometimes we have to adhere to God's voice and make sure we aren't on the short end of the stick.  Our hard work may be an answer to his future wife’s prayers.  Yeah that stings and that hurts, but sometimes we have to realize that just because we signed up to clean a house does not rightfully make it ours.  He still holds the option.  

We also need to keep in mind that every man, no matter how much we are attracted to them, can hold it down, put up with their melo-dramatics, etc., is for us!  Some things simply don’t work because they don’t need to!  The universe knows what we don’t!  We probably will not be happy in the end!!!!

In conclusion…..BREAK THE PATTERN….try to find someone that is less broken or just not broken at all!  Or whatever your repetitive sequence may be.  Onward to new pastures and pickings!  Go on a date with someone TOTALLY off of your attractive radar just to see if there is something you could be missing.  And for God’s sake, pay attention to the signs!!!  They are there to help you.  They tell you what is about to happen before it actually does.

STAY TUNED!!!!!!

HOW TO BE SINGLE AND STILL BE MARRIAGE MATERIAL: DECODING OF THE SINGLE MENTALITY PT. 1

So…I consider myself on some level to be a feminist.  I believe in the rights and equality of women in ALL facets.  

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO EMBRACE OUR SEXUALITY AS WELL AS OUR FEMININE INDEPENDENCE

But in some cases that does not go over too well.  “The Sex” being one of them.  One of the primary reasons being, what we have in between our legs should hold so much value and should not be given away freely or on a whim.  And don’t get me wrong, that is not a bad standard to uphold.  Because it actually is true!  What we have is priceless but I question, should women have that same expectation for a man?  Should his dinkle hold some type of value and not be treated as a plastic sword that a child pulls in and out of his toy box?  Shouldn’t it be treated like the Excalibur of swords and none but the worthy can pull it from the stone???

SEE....SHE'S NOT WORTHY OF THE SWORD!!!

That is the “double standard” of men can do what us women cannot do!  Now as a woman, it kind of sucks to live up to this, because as women grow/mature we realize that we have the same wants/desires, and sexual appetite as men.  Actually it may be more powerful in a sense because it takes a bit more for us to get the BIG BAMBINO!!!  But we are taught to tame the feline and save all sexual ignorance for marriage.  Which of course is how it SHOULD be.  But what good is discretion if you can't SHOW OUT a lil bit??

BUT WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD TWERK SESSION!!!!

In most cases, this is not how it is!  According to the Huffington Post, “The U.S. Marriage Rate is 31 marriages per 1,000 women in the U.S….So that means that…31 of those previously single women tied the knot in the last year.   For comparison, in 1920, the national marriage rate was 92.3”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/22/marriage-rate_n_3625222.html

Of course this is the point where blame is tossed between men and women!  Men say that women are too independent and try to act like the man these days and women say that men aren’t man enough these days and don’t handle their responsibilities.  In truth both men and women are to blame for the decline of marriage.  I mean let’s face it, you can’t have one without the other.

Or you can blame the way society is now.  The way that people have become so superficial and untraditional.  Or we compare our relationship to other couples (an age old tactic), and refuse to find and/or create our OWN traditions and what works for the individual marriage.  Not willing to fight for anything, but want to be handed everything.  The microwave society if you will.  We desire a perfect marriage from two imperfect people and when perfection is not met, we gracefully bow out after a six month courtship.

SO CHILDISH

There are so many causes to the decline, I want to focus on a solution.  MY SOLUTION.  I have officially been single for about three years and I have really grown a lot and learned a lot about myself in the last year.  What was I doing for the first two years you ask?  Living in a warped mentality when I sit back and look at it.  I was bitter beyond belief, but I convinced myself that I wasn’t.  I used my vicious tongue and my gift of gab to destroy every man that exuded a bit of power!  That in turn created more baggage on top of the baggage that I already had.  See this is what happens when you think you are sane and unaffected.  It’s been my experience, once you acknowledge that you are on the brink of insanity, it is then that you can turn around and truly see the mess you have created.  And that is where you begin to fix yourself!!

That’s honestly how this blog even started!  I knew I was a bag of crazy balls and I wanted to really hone into what I was putting out there.  I also wanted to know if I was totally full of shit or if I was on to something.  After careful study of myself I have locked down a few things that separate the single from the taken.

Stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!!

GETTING BACK IN THE GAME: PRACTICE SQUAD AND BENCHWARMER ONLY!!!

So two things I have vowed to do better.  Update my blog more frequently and get back into the dating game!  I think for the most part that I have deciphered my issues and determined that I am now fit to be released back into society.  Well that’s a half truth.  The other half is that I’m tired of studying myself.  I mean geez louiiiise, one can only put up with kicking themselves in the ass, critiquing and overly thinking for so long.  At some point, there comes a time to live and put those lessons learned to use.  Like I said before, it’s hard to change one aspect of yourself and other parts of you not to follow. 

READY TO GET BACK IN THE GAME.  JUST WAITING ON THE NEXT BUS!

As for my blog….this is my domain.  My outlet.  I actually go back and read these little jewels and see how full of shit I am/was/or how much I’ve grown!  This crazy life takes time to even just get a grasp on.  Dayum trying to understand it.  A chic is just trying to live happily with whatever obstacle she’s slaying at the moment and look good doing it!  Isn’t that what every woman wants?!  Who the hell wants to look broke.  I mean seriously….lol....presentation is everything! 

I HAVE ARRIVED!  WHAT DRAGONS AM I SLAYING TODAY??

One thing that I have learned these last few weeks is that people invest finances, time, emotion…etc., in something they see potential in.  Your overall presentation makes the first impression and your mouth makes the second.  It’s all about wise investments and people aren’t about wasting anything these days!  We want everything to matter! 

That’s why we usually stay in shitty relationships or deal with dead things as long as we do.  We want to get something out of it!  We want it to matter.  We want to feel like our investment wasn’t a waste.  I think if we recognize and accept bad investments for what they are then we won’t spend so much time convincing ourselves that we made a good investment. 

SOME PEOPLE MAKE BAD INVESTMENTS LOOK GOOD!!

Tired of trying to make things fit!  Tired of trying to make people fit!  Tired of trying to make them size 6s fit shit!  Time to treat myself like an investment. 

I’ve started dibbling and dabbling a bit more in fashion and even a little make-up!  And if you know me, then you know that a sistah does not do the make-up thing!  My face be slicker than a can of oil and shinier than the camera flash itself….lol.  But I’m learning, folks I’m learning.  I’ve been trying different looks trying to see what best fits me.  I’m learning that I’m an eclectic mix of what’s right and what’s wrong….lol.   Much like my personality!  And that is all translation to say that a chic is still hitting and missing!! Lol…but I am having a ball doing it. 

As for dating…..I am easing back on into the game a little bit.  I’m strongly thinking about re-implementing my no sex in the champagne room policy though.  I’ve definitely let the cat out the house a few times.  It’s like I tried to convince myself that it doesn’t matter, but it does.  Sex is so ridiculously important and we have tried on numerous occasions to take away its’ power.  It’s impossible.  Something so precious and sacred and that feels that dayum good should not be given away freely.  I almost feel like I need to draw up a contract for my love below.  A real one!  Not no dayum verbal agreement or pinky swear neither.  Fug that!  I want it in writing because that will hold up in a court of law.

ME AND THE LOVE BELOW ARE FINALLY ONE ONE ACCORD!!!!

These next few weeks for me are all about investing in myself!  We are all our own brand and if you are single like me, we should treat ourselves as such.  Every day that we go out in the world, we are coming across people that may have the potential to be on #teamyou!  So build your portfolio with a goal in mind for the week and make it happen.  That’s my challenge to myself. 

Keep it cute and classy boos!  Until next time!!

CURRENTLY SEEKING A FULL TIME POSITION….INSURANCE, BONUSES, AND PAID VACATIONS INCLUDED...

Checking in on this beautiful Sunday evening.  So many life lessons.  So much I’ve learned and am learning about myself.  But just not enough time, patience, or brain filters to effectively share it with the world!  And believe you me one day, the world will give a dayum about these blogs that almost no one is paying attention to right now.

Everyone is going to want to know how the hell I got where I will be, the steps I took to get there, the path that I followed, and most importantly who I was screwing at the time…..hahahaha.  

Crazy how we REALLY just want to know another person’s dirt.  No one really cares about clean.  Clean isn’t entertaining at all.  People want reassurance that you are just as messed and confused as they pretend not to be.

I usually stare into space for about an hour right before I put my fingers to the keyboard.  Briefly thinking about what my focus topic will be, how to candy coat it, and most importantly is it going to piss anyone off!  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t go into anything purposely wanting to make anyone upset with me.  I don’t like people being upset with me.  But truth and emotions don’t exist on the same cosmic realm so sometimes my truth tends to ruffle a few feathers.  But notice how I said MY TRUTH.  Please understand that almost everything that I write about is about me and something I have been through.  I’m not a reality show so I’m not here to air all of my dirty laundry for the world to judge, but understand that there is a story behind every lesson.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying here lately.  Basically something that my ass should’ve been doing anyway, but like I said before not having a job….(oh yeah I still don’t have one of those)….tends to change your perspective on what is most important.  And my sanity is VERY important.  So is my frame of thought.  So in order to keep it positive and keep it cute, prayer has become a necessity and not a chore.  Well while praying this morning the word TEMPORARY kept popping up in my head. 

Temporary relationships have subliminally been my thang for like….EVER!!!  I can honestly say that every relationship that I’ve been in, I’ve known that it wasn’t going to be THAT ONE.  I knew it before I got in it.  But as I always told myself, it temporarily worked for where I was at.  I could see the signs right off the back.  He had fideen (15) baby mommas, he’s content with his current living sitcho, he doesn’t like to travel, he doesn’t like to try anything new, he mistakens fear for ego…etc., I can literally go on and on and on with this one.  All the signs pointed to the road of HELL NO, but because of my love below and her personal needs,  I always took a deep breath and dived right on in.  Into something temporary.

As usual, a chic would get caught up in the hoopla.  I would really start digging the dude and then he would treat me like absolute total shit!  I wonder if he knew that I seen him as a temporary fix…..hmmmmm.  It’s like I would put my all into it too late or something.  And in all truth, my all really wasn’t a lot.  I just had sex with him without guilt, and his government name was replaced with “my boo”, “my babe” or something.  It was all bullshit when I sit and think about it.  But that’s not the point.

The point is….I became my situation.  I became “temporary”.  I don’t know if I have told you but for some reason I have become the “involved man” whisperer.  Like seriously, every guy that has approached me this year has the “in a relationship” status blinking above his head!  I can’t escape it.  Even my insurance guy is boo’d up.  I met this guy trying to get some daggone renter’s insurance.  We flirted, he helped me get all moved in…blah…blah..BLAAAAAH!!!!  I randomly ask him one day if he has a girlfriend and this som-ma-ma-bitch mumbles…you guessed it….’YEAH”….mutha mutha what?!  Seriously???  The insurance guy has a woman?  Not that insurance guys can’t have women, but why is shorty swinging my way?  What about me is saying, I date “in a relationship” men?  Again, I could go on and on with this.

So back to this temporary word and the relevance it has regarding me and “in a relationship” status men.  I speak, I act, therefore I am!  That is the only explanation that I can fathom right now.  I’ve been so busy going through the motions over the years that somewhere in there I got caught up in my own bullshit.  The very hole that I dug for temporary placement has weirdly become where I have settled.  I’m starting to pay attention to my words now.

I’m sure somewhere there are key words that trigger these “in a relationship” status men.  Phrases like, “I ain’t trippin”, “not my business”, “I’m not trying to settle down”, “I’m on the pill”, or what about “Yes”….maybe “Yes” is a not so good word to say….oooh what about “maybe”….maybe that’s a not so good one either.  And just for the record, I’m not even on the pill, but it just seemed like a trigger for those unavailables out there. 

Listen, it’s hard out here for 30 something single women these days.  This crap is not easy.  Some of these men are totally dishonest while the others that are trying to holla just don’t give a shit if you know they got a woman or not!  Then we have to briefly find a dayum to give about the girlfriend’s feelings.  Putting our self in her shoes and shit and trying to live by this unspoken woman code.  We have to care about a relationship that this sorry ass man apparently gives no dayums about.  And let’s be real, that is not always an easy task!  No woman wants to be called a whore and totally deserve the title!  And there lies our self respect that we must uphold at all times…..ALL TIMES!!!

TRIED TO ENTER THE CODE TOO MANY TIMES...GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE

In light….I’m learning to be aware of the energy that I put out there and putting a muzzle on my love below.  Some opinions are not needed.

Until next time folks!

FOR EVERY LEVEL THERE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR POLISH YOU SHOULD WEAR!!! CHANGE IS GOOD!

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!!!! So talking to my friend the other night, I had NO idea that it had been a little over a month since I blessed my Celibacy Rules blog!  I felt so detached and appalled at myself for child neglect.  I made it a point to hit up this blog today.

I've been pretty darn busy!!!  I finally have 2 out of 3 in the essentials of adulthood so I think I am doing pretty darn good.  My car and living situation have been rectified!!

Now to keep the grind going on this job situation.  Boy I tell you, it looks so easy to get a job when you have one.  But a chic has been paying more and more attention to the unemployment rate in this nation and it definitely rings true when you've been without work for 2 months.  But you can't get unemployment because it was your risk taking ass that decided to quit your job in the first place!!!  Am I mad at myself for taking the risk???  Only every 2 weeks....when that check was direct deposited into my account!  But in truth, I'm proud of myself.

It's not too often that we see something we really want and we believe in it to a point of taking a huge leap of faith.  I believe that those moments come to us often, but the window of opportunity is only available to us for a moment and if we don't move at that moment, we may miss it!  Things don't always look pretty but I'm learning to embrace those moments and allow myself to learn and to grow.  Learning to be vulnerable.

So as I sit and type and allow my brain to ramble, I have concluded that today's blog will focus on things I've learned about myself these last few weeks:

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.....NICE TO LOOK AT, A BITCH TO WALK

I have prided myself for so long in having my guards up!  I lightweight say it with pride sometimes. And at first it was something I was proud of.  I was happy that I had the ability to not dive into situations heart first and that I possessed the power to not let certain people in and keep certain feelings from getting out.  That in itself is a good and bad thing.  I've discovered the bad that comes with it recently.

You can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.  I can't say that I don't like to let people in but say that I'm ready for love.

Another thing, just because you have high walls doesn't mean that you stop being horny!  I tell ya....if there was a switch that I could utilize to get the goals that my brain has for me,to become in sync with the rest of my body parts, particularly my love below then contradiction wouldn't be something I eat daily!!!  Sheesh.


YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHO YOU WANT IT FROM

I realized that for years, due to my high walls, my deniability of bitterness and anger, my indecisiveness...etc., that I am emotional unavailable.  So what's the big whoop and what does that mean?  It means that because I'm not available emotionally that usually puts me in situations with unavailable men!  I would always wonder what were the issues with me, men, and commitment.  What was the connection?  I had to actually do a case study on my dayum self!  And when you aren't working, you tend to have a lot of time to write out a questionnaire with 20 multiple choice questions.

The conclusion was UNAVAILABILITY.  I felt most connected to men that I wasn't required to be emotionally vested in.  That way when they rejected me, it was already preordained.  I was attracted to situations that didn't require any more of me than I was willing to give.  I even went as far as to sabotage some situations if I caught myself feeling anything or actually thinking about them in the middle of the day.  I would immediately shut down.....and then offer sex as an olive branch.  Even though what I WANTED from them was EVERYTHING, my actions and my energy gave off unavailability.  And that doesn't always mean physically but in any and all forms.

This has also poured into my social and professional life.  I have become limited in my expectations and my capabilities.  I won't allow myself to go too far in anything because of the fear of being hurt/denied.

Like I said before, you can't close off one part of yourself without other parts of yourself following suit.


I AM MY OWN COMPETITION

I've heard this said plenty of times and it was usually said....or let me rephrase, I always took it as some cocky shit to say....but I've realized that no one says what I can't do more than ME!!  Everyday that I've awakened these last few weeks, and I didn't want to be responsible or I wanted to feel bad for myself, I've realized there was no one else in that room but me!  I'm encouraging myself everyday.  Giving myself a pep talk to get up and do it all over again, regardless of the daily outcome.  I'm my own worst enemy!  And I truly believe that no one can make you feel inferior if you haven't made yourself feel inferior already.

So my goal everyday is to prove myself wrong!  My goal everyday is to make me believe in myself daily! Because regardless of spiritual beliefs, support systems..etc., sometimes the circumstance itself is overwhelming to the point that is all that you see.  And it seems way easier to give up then to keep pushing.


NO HABIT IS ABOVE THE COLD TURKEY METHOD

I actually thought this was a cold turkey when I first seen it

When I would think of changing and/or breaking habits, I always thought of the bad ones.  You know the obvious ones, the "sinful" ones.  But not anymore.  There are some "good" habits that could stand to be broken.  It's good to change.  It's good to do the same thing a different way.  Who knows, you may get a different result.  And is that such a bad thing to get?  Who knows, you may learn a new thing if you approach the old thing differently.

This method, I have definitely tried to practice on the dating scene.  It's not like I've just been out here killing the dating game.  Actually I don't think that I've been on one date in a while, but just how I respond to men has changed.  Per example, I used to think that aggression on women was a bad thing.  But now I see aggression as something done on purpose and with confidence.  Knowing what I want and actively pursuing that is a great thing.

I used to love to be under the radar and sneak up for the kill.  But that season dipped out on me a long time ago.  Instead of adjusting and changing with my level, I stayed in the same place and used the same approach.  Let me tell you something, what worked on level 3 doesn't work on level 8! If I wanted to be here, I needed to start acting like I wanted to be here and not like it was by accident, prayer, or favor that I made it to this point.  My hard work, PLANNING, and strategy...mixed with divine intervention and Jesus being on my side is what got me to that place.  Being too humble to the point of denying oneself of victory dances, pats on the back, and occasional praise from your peers isn't always a good thing.


SELF SABOTAGE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLAH AMONGST........ERRBODY

Thin line between humbleness and self sabotage.  I noticed how us, we....people don't accept compliments well at all.  Especially me!  Someone gives me a compliment on some of my work, and I'm the VERY FIRST ONE to down play it as no big deal or bring up some negative aspect to dilute the kind gesture.  And when they walk away, I kick myself in the ass for doing that.

Same thing with men.  I will say time and time again that I want a man that does this and that or that treats me like this or that.  And the moment a guy comes along that does those things I immediately reject the kind gesture and in turn treat him like the scum of the earth.  I'm so so guarded that I can't embrace a man just being a gentleman.  I realized although I'm on level 8, I'm still living parts of my life on level 3.  Not wanting to let go of some of those good habits has now become a set back and not a push forward.

At some point it is necessary to change EVERYTHING about yourself.  Not all at once, but receiving the idea that maybe what worked for you in your 20s may not go over so well in your 30s.  What you used after that break up to motivate you to start your own business or finish school, may not be the tool that you need to usher love into your atmosphere.

 Different needs require a different approach.  Until next time folks!!!!