CONFESSIONS: RE-EXAMINING MY PICKER...I THINK MY COMPASS WAS BROKE

One thing I have discovered about myself....I can not speak on that I have no experience in. I used to feel the need to hear my voice regarding every subject that seemed interesting.  Ask my friends....Whit ALWAYS has an opinion...lol.  But in light of wisdom, stupidity, ignorance, maturity, and the ever so famous quote, "Silence is GOLDEN"...I have learned to stfu and only part my lips with that which concerns me.  I try....Lord knows I do.

Its a hard thing for me to do of course.  Especially since I naturally have the need to get my point across (blame my daddy).  But as the experience with this blog has taught me, there are things that I should have no opinion on.

CASE IN POINT.....RELATIONSHIPS

I haven't been in a "real" relationship in almost 10 (yeah...count that) years.

I WAS PRACTICALLY A BABY...

Now I have had some prolonged situationships....that lasted way longer then they should have.

One of them I hid behind the whole "bestie" monarch.

We had a connection of course.  I mean what two human beings don't that have a sexual attraction. But I played that "bestie" card too often in my looking back and now I know better opinion.

He would hurt me and I would play the "bestie" card.  He would lie to me...slam that "bestie" card on the table.  He would put another woman before me...where the hell is that card?! SLAM! And this isn't me convincing him.  This is me convincing me in my mind that he really cared, that we had a purpose, that I mattered.  Crazy how we work so hard to convince ourselves something that is full of shit is real.

Now this ignorant state of mine went on and off.....on....and then off for almost 10 years.  There was a point in about year number 5 when I knew we weren't going to be together.  But he just felt so good.  I no longer cared about the other women and he no longer cared to lie to me about them.  He didn't even care to pretend that there was going to be his heart at the end of the dark hue'd rainbow.  Now of course at the time when I was ear deep in the bullshit, I actually thought this was growth! Lmaooo...I actually thought this was me growing into acceptance and him....well I never took the time to think what it meant to him.  I was a mainstay in his life and that's all I cared about.

I'LL JUST WAIT....TIL SHE LEAVES

He could call me with anything and I would listen.  He wanted me to come over....I literally dropped the Bible to get there.  I mean if he didn't call me when he was in need it would hurt my dayum feelings....smh.  Now catch this....the thing that finally pushed me to the "this is my stop on the merry-go-round" pimp ride was him promising my mother a bottle of wine (her fave) and not following through.  Now lie to me all you want.  Fill me up with disappointments and bullshit fairy tales.  Bless the world with your offspring from various women and lie with me and tell me they tricked you.  But don't embarrass me by spewing your venomous lies at my momma!  The ninja had to go!! The faucet of my love below finally went dry for him and I finally began to see him for what he really was in my life....nothing.

My other situationship was a bit more calculate on my behalf.  I was in the "off" period of the "bestie" at the time, and I needed someone to fill that void.  It was one of those moments as a woman where we try to be the guy in the situation.  I only ended up looking like the weakest bitch of all the weakest bitches.  I texted him, he would never text back.  I called him and he would hit ignore.  I would send him hour long text messages and he would respond with one word.  So pitiful.  So insecure.

SO EXPOSED

Now this guy had THE BEST sex I think....hell not think...he did have the best sex I'd ever had!  Forgive me momma and aunties and brother and cousins if you are reading this.  Now see at that time I was primarily sex driven.  From previous experiences I thought it was the key to a relationship. I really didn't think that anything else mattered or was more important than that.  After all, that's what I knew that all men wanted so if they got it and it was as great as it was between us....well....

Whatever wrong he did to me I let it slide right off.  No matter how hurt I was.  No matter how embarrassed I was.  No matter how much it proved that he had absolutely minimal respect for me, I held on strong.  I wanted to be with him.  I didn't pay attention to the obvious signs.  The fact that he was a single parent and I had no children and was more intimidated by kids then they were of me.  He had just gotten out of a seriously long term relationship that left him heartbroken and bitter.  He had his stuff together and I was still living paycheck to paycheck.  Falling behind in rent, bills, spending money on clothes and attempting to live like the Jones'...which I never succeeded at.  Not to mention he had/has a cougar on his team that had a plan.  And you cannot beat a woman with a plan.  I initially laughed at her.  She made so much effort to be in his corner.  But now....I get it.  She taught him the game....and well...I taught him the benefits of kagle exercises.  Go figure.

Sadly and fortunately I guess the "good sex" guy never fully committed to me.  He lied to me though.  Even went as far as to say he wanted me to be his wife one day. THAT is what I held on to for the next 3 years.  I kept telling myself that he wanted to marry me and eventually this would work out.  Even though he kept his life separate from mine, he cared less about things that were important to me, and the first and only time he said those three words was after the cougar and I had a knock down drag out fight in the residence that was in her name......lmaoooo....smh. Shame.

I walked away from both experiences not hating anyone.  I still have love for them both.  After all, I can't fault them for my ignorance.  They are however, held accountable for their deceit....but that is between them and their God.  Karma is a patient bitch and will grab ahold of their asses soon enough.  And for that I offer up prayers on their behalf.

So I conclude by saying...I know nothing about what it takes for a woman to be with the man she wants.  I'm my own experiment and I have failed miserable in my past (hence why these legs remain closed).  But what I can tell you is how to wait.  How to be single.  How to do things that cause you to fall more in love with yourself.  How when you fall down and get disappointed, how to get yourself back on track and keep it pushing.  That's what I'm about.....uplifting women...and men if need be.

The next installment of this blog is about me...and my past...my experiences and what I've learned from them.  Hopefully I can catch someone living in my past days as their present and cause them to LET IT GO or maybe hold themselves to a higher standard than I held myself.

Life is a lesson.  You can either learn from someone else's or experiences the pitfalls on your own.

Until we meet again.